wife just had an affair

[rickn]

Originally posted by: JHawk
Men cheat for sex. Women cheat for the excitement/romance.

that's bull. women like sex too and will cheat for it. guys are just pigs, always sniffing for fresh ass.

 

[silverpig]

Originally posted by: rickn

Originally posted by: JHawk
Men cheat for sex. Women cheat for the excitement/romance.

that's bull. women like sex too and will cheat for it. guys are just pigs, always sniffing for fresh ass.

uh, yeah....

 

[StageLeft]

Because she slept with someone else, doesn't make her nasty or evil or weak - it doesn't mean that you guys have problems in any way or that she's missing out or longing for something or that you're not doing something right or that she doesn't love you or whatever may be going through your, or anyone elses mind.

It could very simply have just been, for what it's worth - some sex. But for what, why would she, you ask?

Actually it does mean she's weak, or doesn't love him, or the relationship is in a bad way. Unless they'd previously agreed that they can sleep with other people most relationships - even if unspoken (and in this case it WAS spoken) rely on the fact that the other won't cheat. Wanting to cheat is something a lot of people experience. Many say no to it. She said yes. So, she is one of the conditions you mentioned.

 

[BrianA]

She is sorry...she hasn't stopped crying since she told me. She's been verbally chastising herself about how she's ruined her whole life. She says that 'it didn't meant anything' and that she still loves me and wants to be with me.

She won't have anywhere to go if I tell her to just leave. Her Dad is in Miami, her mother is in Panama. She won't make enough money at her new job to support herself and she says she doesn't want to live alone anyway. Does all that make a difference to me? Well.....yeah it seems like it does. If she had a well paying job or some friends to stay with, I (most likely) would have told her to just leave.

She probably should have thought of that before she f*cked another guy. Twice.

Regardless of what you decide, you need time apart so you can think. She needs to leave, or you do.

Sorry it happened to you man...

BrianA

 

[AndrewPaulNet]

"First bolded part: You ask "why wouldn't she just leave unless she really does love me right?". Obviously if you're supporting her with money, a place to stay, and let her fvck around with men when she wants then you're right, she would have no reason to leave. Hell, that would be paradise for me, someone supporting me while I go out and have the time of my life! Also, you would honestly let her fvck guys if she found them sexually attractive? Please grow some balls and take a stand, I don't go around asking my g/f if I can fvck a girl b/c I'm attracted to her and don't expect her to either. I can look, but not touch.

Second bold part: If you're planning to spend the rest of your life with someone and consider your sex with them a "treasure", then how can you go and say that this "treasure" can be had by more people than you and your wife? You aren't making sense. If you shared your "treasure" with someone else outside of the marraige, it wouldn't be a "treasure" anymore, it would be trash.

Third bolded part: You say you don't like the idea of "open relationships", yet "an introduction of another partner or 2 between the couple, is fine". You just basically said that swinging is ok every now and then, which isn't much different from an "open relationship" except that you have an "open relationship" together instead of alone."

1. She can leave because she can easily find someone richer, sexier, etc. etc. There are always options when you're single. The fact that she doesn't - as much as he may not think so - may actually mean something. As for taking a stand, etc. etc. I mos' def' do not go out there and ask my girl if I can do a girl because I'm attracted to her, and she doe not do that to me. At the very core of what I wrote, I said people are different. My wife and I have a stable relationship between us where we are both fully satisfied with just each other. I don't feel the need to have sex with other girls, I look, I don't touch and I'm sure she does the same. But not everyone is the same. And if the day came where I was about to go and cheat on her, then I would have this very same discussion about introducing someone else.

2. I didn't mean that sex, as sex is treasure. I really meant sex as love making between a man and his wife or 2 LOVED ONES *a girlfriend and boyfriend* as a treasure. After which I said sex feels good and is fun, and some people are able to treat it as such. I'm saying what the 2 people do, the love they make is what I consider the treasure in itself. If another is introduced after mutual agreement, then what exactly is wrong with that? Under your stipulation, am I to take it that if a girl had sex or made love with several partners before me, that what I consider as treasure is actually trash? or vice versa? What if she was married before? and leading into....

3. "I don't like the idea of open relationships or anything like that as in each person being sexually independent, but an introduction of another partner or 2 between the couple, is fine; and if compromise is present and fair then there should be no problems whatsoever", is what I said,
If you want to call it swinging, then I suppose that is what it is. Swinging technically is regularly habitual. In his and her case, this is something she did after 8 years. Not months, 1 or 2 years, 8 years. If they're minds were open enough to the idea of introducing someone AT ALL, she would not have done it behind his back, possibly.

I think many of you are judging this woman with unfounded reasoning. You think of her as complete gutter trash without even taking the time to consider yourself in her place, or knowing the situation. There are always 2 sides to EVERY story....
She could very well be no good; but I refuse to judge and condemn her without knowing exactly what was going through her head, that after 8 committed years she would go out and sleep with another man, twice. And I'm sorry, after 8 years of being committed (if she really was completely committed), something has to be going through her head. As somone else mentioned, this was somewhat premeditated, she knew what she was doing. And I really don't think it was, "oh i think i'm just going to go and find a man and cheat on my husband"....i really don't.

 

[Richdog]

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77
So what was the point in telling you? what good did it do for you? Shes a weak person who couldnt handle her own guilt and had to hurt you to get it out of her system to make her feel better.

What a stupid thing to say. Not telling him would be worse. While she did a terrible thing, at least she was honest and admitted it. You're all making judgements here when you know nothing about what their marriage is like or any of the other circumstances which could have possible led to her cheating. Not exscusing her at all, as infidelity is one of the most hurtful things imaginable.

BUT... maybe he should be thinking about WHY she cheated.

Even so, i'm sorry to hear it mate.

 

[rickn]

Originally posted by: Skoorb

Because she slept with someone else, doesn't make her nasty or evil or weak - it doesn't mean that you guys have problems in any way or that she's missing out or longing for something or that you're not doing something right or that she doesn't love you or whatever may be going through your, or anyone elses mind.

It could very simply have just been, for what it's worth - some sex. But for what, why would she, you ask?

Actually it does mean she's weak, or doesn't love him, or the relationship is in a bad way. Unless they'd previously agreed that they can sleep with other people most relationships - even if unspoken (and in this case it WAS spoken) rely on the fact that the other won't cheat. Wanting to cheat is something a lot of people experience. Many say no to it. She said yes. So, she is one of the conditions you mentioned.

and she had to go back a second time. Either the guy was bad in bed and she needed to try it again just to make sure, or she's just a floozie. And this guy may not even be the first.

 

[DrPizza]

Advice:

Step 1. Marriage counselor.
On the first visit, he/she'll meet with you together. Then the counselor will meet with you individually. Then, the counselor will decide and advise you whether your marriage is worth saving. Or what the chances are of saving your marriage. Counselors are fairly honest with their appraisal of a marriage, and it's what they do - they've probably worked with more couples than you're receiving the advice from on ATOT.


Note: (I only read about 100 of the posts so far, so this may have been mentioned)
Some (many?) health insurance policies cover a certain number of visits to a marriage counselor.

Been there, done that, (not over a cheating issue), and my marriage is much stronger now.

 

[Sepen]

Originally posted by: AMCRambler
You guys have been together for 8 years, thats a long time. It's probably even been longer since you went out before you got married. You can't just throw all that away because she slept with somebody else. Yeah it hurts like hell, but you have to realize she didn't go sleep with the guy because she loved him. She obviously loves you because she told you. She slept with someone else out of physical need and that's not nearly as bad as if she didn't love you anymore. I think you guys can work through it. You've got to deal with her physical needs though. Are you guys going through a dry stretch in the bedroom? If so you gotta remedy that. She shouldn't be looking elsewhere for this kind of attention. I think you need to forgive her and then sweep her off feet, take a nice vacation with her some place like Aruba, something exotic, romance her, make her realize that even though she did what she did, nothing is going to change how you feel about her. I can only imagine how bad you feel right now, but you've got to get past it and move on. Don't lose a good thing.

Don't lose a good thing?

Yeah..right. A good thing doesn't go out and get porked not once but twice. Good thing my butt.

 

[xxAgentCowxx]

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77
So what was the point in telling you? what good did it do for you? Shes a weak person who couldnt handle her own guilt and had to hurt you to get it out of her system to make her feel better.

I agree. in my case she'd be a goner, unless youre the doormat type

 

[rickn]

there has to be a level of confidence established between him and his wife before he could ever trust her again, and he can't follow her wherever she goes. so instead of a marriage counselor, hire a PI. Maybe that will give you back some confidence, or give you the real answer about how she feels about your marriage, and PROOF

 

We've openly criticized other couples for sleeping around. Our relationship has been great for over 8 years. We're very religious and very honest with each other. I have no idea what to do.

You're lame. That's your problem.

 

[SP33Demon]

Originally posted by: AndrewPaulNet
"First bolded part: You ask "why wouldn't she just leave unless she really does love me right?". Obviously if you're supporting her with money, a place to stay, and let her fvck around with men when she wants then you're right, she would have no reason to leave. Hell, that would be paradise for me, someone supporting me while I go out and have the time of my life! Also, you would honestly let her fvck guys if she found them sexually attractive? Please grow some balls and take a stand, I don't go around asking my g/f if I can fvck a girl b/c I'm attracted to her and don't expect her to either. I can look, but not touch.

Second bold part: If you're planning to spend the rest of your life with someone and consider your sex with them a "treasure", then how can you go and say that this "treasure" can be had by more people than you and your wife? You aren't making sense. If you shared your "treasure" with someone else outside of the marraige, it wouldn't be a "treasure" anymore, it would be trash.

Third bolded part: You say you don't like the idea of "open relationships", yet "an introduction of another partner or 2 between the couple, is fine". You just basically said that swinging is ok every now and then, which isn't much different from an "open relationship" except that you have an "open relationship" together instead of alone."

1. She can leave because she can easily find someone richer, sexier, etc. etc. There are always options when you're single. The fact that she doesn't - as much as he may not think so - may actually mean something. As for taking a stand, etc. etc. I mos' def' do not go out there and ask my girl if I can do a girl because I'm attracted to her, and she doe not do that to me. At the very core of what I wrote, I said people are different. My wife and I have a stable relationship between us where we are both fully satisfied with just each other. I don't feel the need to have sex with other girls, I look, I don't touch and I'm sure she does the same. But not everyone is the same. And if the day came where I was about to go and cheat on her, then I would have this very same discussion about introducing someone else.

2. I didn't mean that sex, as sex is treasure. I really meant sex as love making between a man and his wife or 2 LOVED ONES *a girlfriend and boyfriend* as a treasure. After which I said sex feels good and is fun, and some people are able to treat it as such. I'm saying what the 2 people do, the love they make is what I consider the treasure in itself. If another is introduced after mutual agreement, then what exactly is wrong with that? Under your stipulation, am I to take it that if a girl had sex or made love with several partners before me, that what I consider as treasure is actually trash? or vice versa? What if she was married before? and leading into....

3. "I don't like the idea of open relationships or anything like that as in each person being sexually independent, but an introduction of another partner or 2 between the couple, is fine; and if compromise is present and fair then there should be no problems whatsoever", is what I said,
If you want to call it swinging, then I suppose that is what it is. Swinging technically is regularly habitual. In his and her case, this is something she did after 8 years. Not months, 1 or 2 years, 8 years. If they're minds were open enough to the idea of introducing someone AT ALL, she would not have done it behind his back, possibly.

1. What if the girl hasn't found anyone yet? And is just waiting for someone richer to come along, but until then she will suck the $$/resources out of you? If you don't think this could happen, consider my roomate. He made this married lady cheat with him, and broke up their marraige (it was bound to happen anyway, she's such a whore with no morals). Anyways, my roomate is wealthy. He just cosigned on her $1500 house for her kids, bought new washer/dryer, beds for all the kids. He cosigned for her car and helps her on the payments ($500/month) b/c her credit sucked. I just talked to her the other night, she said she is no longer our maid (we hired her after she moved out) b/c her and my roomate are THROUGH. She had been cheating on him for the past 2 months, and now she wants to pick up a package at our house cuz my roomie is on vacation. She claims that my roomate bought her kids an xmas present and it will be delivered to my place. She wants to get the package before my roomate comes home from vacation b/c she doesn't want to deal with him anymore, of course he's in Costa Rica and doesn't even know of her "plan".

The OP already stated that this woman barely has a cent to her name, maybe she was just with him for the financial support until something better came along? I've seen it happen ALOT. Don't think it doesn't happen!
2. My point is that if making love = treasure, and u allow her to sleep with other guy/s then it will diminish you and her's ability to "make love". Why? Because you might be jealous, she might still be thinking of how much better the other guy was than you, you may be worried that you can't compare to the new guy etc. A million more thoughts are involved b/c you let someone else into your marraige, and now your treasure won't be treasure anymore.
3. It's hard to imply that letting another into their marraige would have saved it. To reiterate, what if she cheated just to have a reason for divorce b/c she found someone better? What if she did it for the excitement of being bad/rebellious? A third party introduced to the couple wouldn't satisfy these reasons, and there are many more.

 

[theNEOone]

humans aren't meant to be in a monogamous relationship. this goes for both guys and girls.


=|

 

[purepolly]

Dump her.

Bottomline, your peace of mind is more important than any piece of a**.

I went through the same thing with my ex, and I tried to make it work for almost 4 years because of the kids. What I came to realize is that people who can justify cheating just are not wired right - and no amount of counselling is going to change that. Let her find someone with the same warped belief system, and find someone who is going to treasure what a great guy you are.

{{{sorry for your pain}}}

 

[dirtboy]

Personally, I would divorce her. If my wife cheated on me I'd know I could never trust her again and besides, what would be the point of being married to someone you can't trust?

 

Personally, I would divorce her. If my wife cheated on me I'd know I could never trust her again and besides, what would be the point of being married to someone you can't trust?

So if it's a trust issue. What if she approached you and said she wanted to sleep with another man?

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: JHawk
Men cheat for sex. Women cheat for the excitement/romance. If you can't provide the excitement she is looking for ( and hey this probably isn't your fault--I know from experience with my ex-wife) then I say move on.

WTF?!? is this your rationalization for all men and all women? Women can cheat just for the sex of it and men can cheat looking for love.

No wonder you have an ex-wife.

Å

 

[T2T III]

The counseling idea is a good one. I can't recommend dumping her like the other advisors have stated. However, I've never been in your situation and can't imagine what it would be like. However, if you do go through counseling, keep an open mind. There's a chance that when the counseling is over, you're still not able to trust her and it could mean the divorce of you and your wife.

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: theNEOone
humans aren't meant to be in a monogamous relationship. this goes for both guys and girls.


=|

up until this post, everything was good advice

 

Quote

Originally posted by: theNEOone
humans aren't meant to be in a monogamous relationship. this goes for both guys and girls.


=|


up until this post, everything was good advice

Hes right, monogamy is not in human nature.
Never has been, never will be.
Monogamy is purly a willpower thing. It's also a great way to stay ignorant to the lives of others.

But, I'm sure what I'm talking about is far beyond what you can understand.

 

[BCinSC]

From experience: cover your a$$. I don't what state you're in, but the second you "forgive" and, god forbid, have sex with her again, she OWNS you. You will no longer be able to file for divorce for adultery, she will get half of everything, if not more, and if there are children (has this been answered?), stupid court will probably grant her custody and sock you with a whopping support order, even though SHE showed lack of moral judgement, breached a binding legal contract, and has proven to be a pathelogical liar. <end rant>

 

[TheNinja]

I'm happy for you, now you have a good reason to get out of that man-made prison.

Kramer: They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
Jerry: I can?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?
Jerry: Boy.
Kramer: It's sad , Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs..
Jerry: I'm glad we had this talk.
Kramer: Oh, you have no idea.

 

[Rufio]

btw, you state that if you kick her out, she has no where to go.

she can go stay w/that dude.....so don't worry 'bout it!

 

[BCinSC]

OK, read the whole thread and know there are no kids, so I will quote my response to another thread

Dude, at least she didn't bear another married man's child and pass it off as yours, only to screw you out of fatherhood 2½ years later even though the other guy won't ever have anything to do with either of them, but the fvcking laws in this state are so backasswards, all you can do is bend over and pass the value sized jar of vaseline.