Dear tkdkid,
A couple thoughts.
First, I am a young, single man; I have had a few serious relationships, but I've never been married, never even close. So take my thoughts with a grain of salt.
This is such a heart-wrenching situation, it is quite possibly one of the worst possible scenarios into which a person could be placed. Regardless of the path you choose, you are going to "lose": if you seek a divorce, you lose what you have built with her, and depending on the details you could lose even more than that. If you forgive and move on, you run the risk of ending up as a cuckold. The most difficult path that I can imagine is counseling - I think of this process, one that I have been down most of my life (not marital, only myself), and I think of surgery without anesthetic. If you decide to seek professional counseling, it will be painful; it requires honesty, openness and the willingness to listen to statements and thoughts which will rip you apart. After a while you go numb, you stop listening because you can't handle any more. When you leave, you'll have to live with this person, endure car rides with them, share a house, meals, everything. Are you prepared to endure further pain for the sake of healing? Perhaps to discover other infidelity, whether physical or emotional, to learn and deal with her deep, emotional issues? Perhaps, a year down the line, to conclude that divorce really is the only resolution?
But this is the only path that brings healing and the possibility of a healthy relationship in the future. Disregard these childish, brash statements about exacting revenge - it brings immature satisfaction at first, but it is like trying to save a sinking ship with a bucket. Any revenge you could enact would only leave you bitter and empty afterwards. But I think you already know this. Divorce at this point seems useless, because you have already stated your willingness to work things out.
So, I don't know what else to say. I reexamine my thoughts, and I become enraged - an act which she commits twice, with foresight and concealment; but there is guilt there, too. Anger tempered with pain, confusion, need and habit; you say you are a religious man, a couple, Christian, I so arrogantly presume. It goes without saying that the pillar of the three monotheistic religions is forgiveness and repentence, for Christians it is death and rebirth, the conquering of sin through Jesus; He forgives sin even though it is willful. What determination it takes to forgive pain consciously and maliciously inflicted, repeatedly!
Are you strong enough to take these steps?
I would recommend talking to a pastor/priest/imam/rabbi/monk that you trust and laying this out for them, and praying about it, and praying for your wife. You will need support through this, through the counseling process, and your wife will need support, and a competent, experienced priest will be your best route, someone who will pray with and for you both.
Good luck, whichever path you choose.
Shalom!
Nate
A couple thoughts.
First, I am a young, single man; I have had a few serious relationships, but I've never been married, never even close. So take my thoughts with a grain of salt.
This is such a heart-wrenching situation, it is quite possibly one of the worst possible scenarios into which a person could be placed. Regardless of the path you choose, you are going to "lose": if you seek a divorce, you lose what you have built with her, and depending on the details you could lose even more than that. If you forgive and move on, you run the risk of ending up as a cuckold. The most difficult path that I can imagine is counseling - I think of this process, one that I have been down most of my life (not marital, only myself), and I think of surgery without anesthetic. If you decide to seek professional counseling, it will be painful; it requires honesty, openness and the willingness to listen to statements and thoughts which will rip you apart. After a while you go numb, you stop listening because you can't handle any more. When you leave, you'll have to live with this person, endure car rides with them, share a house, meals, everything. Are you prepared to endure further pain for the sake of healing? Perhaps to discover other infidelity, whether physical or emotional, to learn and deal with her deep, emotional issues? Perhaps, a year down the line, to conclude that divorce really is the only resolution?
But this is the only path that brings healing and the possibility of a healthy relationship in the future. Disregard these childish, brash statements about exacting revenge - it brings immature satisfaction at first, but it is like trying to save a sinking ship with a bucket. Any revenge you could enact would only leave you bitter and empty afterwards. But I think you already know this. Divorce at this point seems useless, because you have already stated your willingness to work things out.
So, I don't know what else to say. I reexamine my thoughts, and I become enraged - an act which she commits twice, with foresight and concealment; but there is guilt there, too. Anger tempered with pain, confusion, need and habit; you say you are a religious man, a couple, Christian, I so arrogantly presume. It goes without saying that the pillar of the three monotheistic religions is forgiveness and repentence, for Christians it is death and rebirth, the conquering of sin through Jesus; He forgives sin even though it is willful. What determination it takes to forgive pain consciously and maliciously inflicted, repeatedly!
Are you strong enough to take these steps?
I would recommend talking to a pastor/priest/imam/rabbi/monk that you trust and laying this out for them, and praying about it, and praying for your wife. You will need support through this, through the counseling process, and your wife will need support, and a competent, experienced priest will be your best route, someone who will pray with and for you both.
Good luck, whichever path you choose.
Shalom!
Nate