wife just had an affair

[OutHouse]

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: athithi
I really don't understand western relationships - it's ok to have multiple sex partners before marriage, it's ok to get married and divorced multiple times, it's ok to have a live-in relationship and it's even ok to have kids without marraige and yet, it's the worst crime in the world when sex becomes a symptom of what's wrong with an otherwise functional marraige?.

Are you joking? All of the things you mention deal with mutual consent and not being deceptive EXCEPT for marital infidelity. You would have to be a deaf mute retard to not see the difference between premarital sex, premarital kids, etc versus cheating on your spouse.

Yea dude, its the sneaking and lying and dishonesty that gets people hurt. My wife and I have been married for 16 years and for about 12 of those years we have had a very open relationship when it comes to sex. I dont want to go in too much detail, gotta think about all of the poor kittens that will get killed.

 

[Balthazar]

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77
So what was the point in telling you? what good did it do for you? Shes a weak person who couldnt handle her own guilt and had to hurt you to get it out of her system to make her feel better.

Wow, thats certainly one way to look at it.
Sounds almost like you've been cheated on before.

But really, is the only explanation for her telling him weakness, and a need to hurt someone else?

From my point of view I would consider it allready hurtfull to someone if I did that to them, and then to continue hiding it would just be extending that hurt further. So if I did that to someone, and I told them, it would have absolutely nothing to do with me being weak (except for the fact that my weakness caused the situation) but rather my need to be honest with that person.

By your rational she should have just sucked it up, gotten over it and left it alone....thats pretty stupid. Just ignore it, it will go away.

But like I said, you sound more like someone who's been cheated on than anything else, and if thats the case, I guess I can understand your reaction. Still dont think its right though.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77
So what was the point in telling you? what good did it do for you? Shes a weak person who couldnt handle her own guilt and had to hurt you to get it out of her system to make her feel better.

so since you are being honest how many affairs have you had then

I think honesty is the best avenue to go in infidelity, esp if it happened twice. One time perhaps let it die, a second time something must need addressing. If one doesn't care of the relationship, then they probably should keep a lot of secrets, I'd imagine.

Å

 

[maziwanka]

wow. im really sorry to hear this. i would advise you to leave your wife - its something i would never ever do to my wife (i know that i would never have the urge to either) and i expect the same in return. it seems like your taking it pretty well - this sh!t is heartbreaking. again, wow. i really hope you work things out and are happy once again.

 

[Geekbabe]

I wonder what I should have done to the parade of women my ex cheated on me with?

 

[waggy]

sorry to hear that.

If my wife ever cheated on me i would stay with her (we have a child) but if i ever thought she did it again i would kick her to the curb. not sure if i would be able to trust her though.

either way good luck. its not going to be easy over the next few months/years.

 

[dartworth]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
I wonder what I should have done to the parade of women my ex cheated on me with?

why does everything have to be about you?

go away.

 

[911paramedic]

I have no idea what to do.

Kick her to the curb, end of story.

If she doesn't respect you enough not to sleep around she's not worth it.

 

[NeoV]

remember that even if you stay in the relationship, it will never be the same....also, for the peole here that say "I cheated on my wife and we stayed together blah blah blah"...know that for her, the relationship has never been the same, regardless of what she tells you, and that is burns in her mind nearly every day...I don't care if it was 1 year ago or 25 years ago, it is still smoldering in there..

 

[athithi]

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: athithi
I really don't understand western relationships - it's ok to have multiple sex partners before marriage, it's ok to get married and divorced multiple times, it's ok to have a live-in relationship and it's even ok to have kids without marraige and yet, it's the worst crime in the world when sex becomes a symptom of what's wrong with an otherwise functional marraige?.

Are you joking? All of the things you mention deal with mutual consent and not being deceptive EXCEPT for marital infidelity. You would have to be a deaf mute retard to not see the difference between premarital sex, premarital kids, etc versus cheating on your spouse.

Wow! Tell me how you really feel! Seriously, do you have anything against the deaf, mutes and retards? What's the deception here? tkdkid thinking he had a good marraige going on or his wife choosing (and subsequently regretting) to express emotional distress? Which is a bigger insult to the concept of marraige - an action that is the result of a bad marraige or actions that belittle the very concept of marraige? If a culture can so freely work around the concept of marraige in the form of premarital (or non-marital) relationships that involve sex, I don't see what the huge deal is about your partner sleeping with someone else without your knowledge. Is that the biggest form of deception in western marraiges? Sex outside marraige?

I am not joking, I am not deaf, I am not a mute and I am not a retard. But you are crude.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: dartworth

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
I wonder what I should have done to the parade of women my ex cheated on me with?

why does everything have to be about you?

go away.

because you know what? I've actually lived thru what the OP is talking about here.

 

[SP33Demon]

Originally posted by: athithi

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: athithi
I really don't understand western relationships - it's ok to have multiple sex partners before marriage, it's ok to get married and divorced multiple times, it's ok to have a live-in relationship and it's even ok to have kids without marraige and yet, it's the worst crime in the world when sex becomes a symptom of what's wrong with an otherwise functional marraige?.

Are you joking? All of the things you mention deal with mutual consent and not being deceptive EXCEPT for marital infidelity. You would have to be a deaf mute retard to not see the difference between premarital sex, premarital kids, etc versus cheating on your spouse.

Wow! Tell me how you really feel! Seriously, do you have anything against the deaf, mutes and retards? What's the deception here? tkdkid thinking he had a good marraige going on or his wife choosing (and subsequently regretting) to express emotional distress? Which is a bigger insult to the concept of marraige - an action that is the result of a bad marraige or actions that belittle the very concept of marraige? If a culture can so freely work around the concept of marraige in the form of premarital (or non-marital) relationships that involve sex, I don't see what the huge deal is about your partner sleeping with someone else without your knowledge. Is that the biggest form of deception in western marraiges? Sex outside marraige?

I am not joking, I am not deaf, I am not a mute and I am not a retard. But you are crude.

The deception ocurred when she slept with someone outside of their marraige TWICE and not telling him that she was going to do it. If you can't grasp the fact that this is deception then I don't know what to tell u bud.

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: dartworth

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
I wonder what I should have done to the parade of women my ex cheated on me with?

why does everything have to be about you?

go away.

because you know what? I've actually lived thru what the OP is talking about here.

Where as the only experience dickworth has is his left hand cheating on him!

 

[SP33Demon]

Originally posted by: NeoV
remember that even if you stay in the relationship, it will never be the same....also, for the peole here that say "I cheated on my wife and we stayed together blah blah blah"...know that for her, the relationship has never been the same, regardless of what she tells you, and that is burns in her mind nearly every day...I don't care if it was 1 year ago or 25 years ago, it is still smoldering in there..

Good words to abide by... remember, women NEVER FORGET even if men do!!!!!!!!!!

 

[JackBurton]

Originally posted by: SP33Demon

Originally posted by: NeoV
remember that even if you stay in the relationship, it will never be the same....also, for the peole here that say "I cheated on my wife and we stayed together blah blah blah"...know that for her, the relationship has never been the same, regardless of what she tells you, and that is burns in her mind nearly every day...I don't care if it was 1 year ago or 25 years ago, it is still smoldering in there..

Good words to abide by... remember, women NEVER FORGET even if men do!!!!!!!!!!

Remember, men never do either. :|

 

[rickn]

the hell with counseling. counseling just delays the inevitable. Adultery ranks right up there with murder, you can forgive, but you can't forget. If you stay with her, from now til the day one of you dies, everytime she's an hour or two late coming from work or the grocery store, your first thought will be who was she fvcking. That kind thoughts of distrust are very destructive to your well-being. And ask yourself this, when the babies are born, are you gonna believe they're yours?

 

[athithi]

Originally posted by: SP33Demon

The deception ocurred when she slept with someone outside of their marraige TWICE and not telling him that she was going to do it. If you can't grasp the fact that this is deception then I don't know what to tell u bud.

Let me clarify my stance further: tkdkid's wife did something without his knowledge. She did something that she knew would hurt him if he found out. She did something that is not a socially acceptable action in traditional marraiges. Is that wrong? Yes. Is that a mistake? Yes. Should she have to face the consequences? Absolutely! Why does it matter that it was sex?

Sex is a very sensitive issue where I come from. However, here in the U.S, I've found that people accept it more naturally and are not ashamed to talk about it and what effect it has on society. I am surprised that sex is a fairly comfortable topic for everybody here to handle *except* when it comes to infidelity. Her mistake was in doing something that would hurt someone she purportedly love - the sex was just a media for her deception and in my personal opinion, her deception was serious, but not devastating. It's not like she killed somebody or ate someone's child.

Go ahead, burn her on a stake if that will cleanse her of all the sexual demons

 

[dethman]

i'm sorry. hope you find your way.

 

[Aharami]

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77
as is TRUST.. now where does that leave him?

as is FORGIVENESS.. what now?

hehe jk

personally, i think forgiveness is overrated. noone would need to forgive their SO didnt break the TRUST in the first place. so first she broke his trust and now asking for forgiveness. basically she is asking 2 favors of him...that he overlook the fact that she broke his trust and then forgive her. wife or not, kid or not, i personally would NOT stand for something like that...esp when she did it TWICE!!!
now some might say, "oh if you really love her, you wont be like that". i dont think love has anything to do with it. im a very jealous person. i would never do anything like that to my gf. if she cheated on me, would i love her less? maybe. but i'll still love her and care for her. just that i wont be able to be with her knowing the fact that she cheated on me. that will be on auto-repeat on the back of my mind during every moment we are together...and that will hamper the relationship.
now, this is all just speculation on my part. this is what i think i'd do. but ive never been unfortunate enuff to be cheated on (yet). so for all my preaching, i might just decide to forgive. i would never know until im in that position. but i really do believe that once SO cheats, its VERY hard to be with her

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: rickn
the hell with counseling. counseling just delays the inevitable. Adultery ranks right up there with murder, you can forgive, but you can't forget. If you stay with her, from now til the day one of you dies, everytime she's an hour or two late coming from work or the grocery store, your first thought will be who was she fvcking. That kind thoughts of distrust are very destructive to your well-being. And ask yourself this, when the babies are born, are you gonna believe they're yours?

wow...that puts a whole new perspective on it, and it really made me think

for me personally, i would be gone the second she even told me she kissed someone...sounds stupid, i know, but think about that for a second.

if she is willing to kiss and makeout and touch another guy, its inevitable that they are going to have sex. its one of those things that you would rather just get away from than hear the actual bad news after it happens. i could NEVER forgive something like this. you cant make me believe that most of you would forgive your wife for doing this. i absolutely love my girlfriend and ive had an opportunity or two to cheat on her, but i didnt even think about it for a split second (well, maybe .000001 seconds), but then i was either telling the girl to back the fvck up or i just kept on walking. if i would have done it, she would probably have forgiven me, i dont know why, but she would. i, however, would never forgive her. you have to just figure out what kind of person you are. for me, i would always think about the look on her face when she decided to do it, while she was doing it, and when she realized what she had done and she had to worry about me finding out. i could not handle that and there would be an instant divorce, no questions asked. at that point, love is irrelevant because trying to say you still love someone after doing that is bullsh!t. you obviously dont love them 100% if you slip even once. its just one of those things you cant ever do and try to make up for it.

 

[TranceNation]

So it looks like you guys married when you were still teenagers (18-17 yrs old)?
You should decide based on how much you love her and not based on how much you feel cheated. You will need to work out some trust issues. If you decide to leave her, contact an divorce attorney asap to discuss your options.
Many couples cheat on each other if that helps.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Is this the first time she's ever done anything like that? What the hell were here reasons/what was her rationale, if any?

If you truly love her and want to make it work, I would suggest going in for counseling together. If you think that knowing what she did will haunt you the rest of your life and that the trust has been irreparably broken, I would file for divorce.

I'm so sorry to hear that... best wishes to you.

 

[DougK62]

Originally posted by: athithi

Originally posted by: SP33Demon

The deception ocurred when she slept with someone outside of their marraige TWICE and not telling him that she was going to do it. If you can't grasp the fact that this is deception then I don't know what to tell u bud.

Let me clarify my stance further: tkdkid's wife did something without his knowledge. She did something that she knew would hurt him if he found out. She did something that is not a socially acceptable action in traditional marraiges. Is that wrong? Yes. Is that a mistake? Yes. Should she have to face the consequences? Absolutely! Why does it matter that it was sex?

Sex is a very sensitive issue where I come from. However, here in the U.S, I've found that people accept it more naturally and are not ashamed to talk about it and what effect it has on society. I am surprised that sex is a fairly comfortable topic for everybody here to handle *except* when it comes to infidelity. Her mistake was in doing something that would hurt someone she purportedly love - the sex was just a media for her deception and in my personal opinion, her deception was serious, but not devastating. It's not like she killed somebody or ate someone's child.

Go ahead, burn her on a stake if that will cleanse her of all the sexual demons

No one is saying to burn her at the stake.

There are two sexual topics that are taboo - infidelity and non-consenting. Why is it so hard to understand that these are harder to talk about? They're the most hurtful and deceptive of all sexual practices.

I really don't understand what you're saying. Infidelity is disasterous to a relationship. All you've really said is that infidelity is less severe than murder and baby eating - DUH.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: dartworth

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
I wonder what I should have done to the parade of women my ex cheated on me with?

why does everything have to be about you?

go away.

because you know what? I've actually lived thru what the OP is talking about here.

Where as the only experience dickworth has is his left hand cheating on him!

Dartworth is always the good source of quips...deep inside he has the pain of knowing he will always be the lowest on that totem pole called life. Let's all have a beer for Dartworth :beer:

Å

 

[arcenite]

Originally posted by: gUEv
why do i get the feeling that most of the people saying "8 years or no 8 years, i dont put up with that stuff", "counseling doesnt work", "dump the tramp if you dont have kids" etc

are... antisocial virgins?!

just thought i'd throw that out there...

Stop talking about yourself there... I feel that what this lady did is highly unacceptable. an 8 year relationship going downhill is no reason to go cheating on someone. If she's claiming that's the reason, then it's her fault for a lack of communication.

Bill