wife just had an affair

[Rufio]

 

[athithi]

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: athithi

Originally posted by: SP33Demon

The deception ocurred when she slept with someone outside of their marraige TWICE and not telling him that she was going to do it. If you can't grasp the fact that this is deception then I don't know what to tell u bud.

Let me clarify my stance further: tkdkid's wife did something without his knowledge. She did something that she knew would hurt him if he found out. She did something that is not a socially acceptable action in traditional marraiges. Is that wrong? Yes. Is that a mistake? Yes. Should she have to face the consequences? Absolutely! Why does it matter that it was sex?

Sex is a very sensitive issue where I come from. However, here in the U.S, I've found that people accept it more naturally and are not ashamed to talk about it and what effect it has on society. I am surprised that sex is a fairly comfortable topic for everybody here to handle *except* when it comes to infidelity. Her mistake was in doing something that would hurt someone she purportedly love - the sex was just a media for her deception and in my personal opinion, her deception was serious, but not devastating. It's not like she killed somebody or ate someone's child.

Go ahead, burn her on a stake if that will cleanse her of all the sexual demons

No one is saying to burn her at the stake.

There are two sexual topics that are taboo - infidelity and non-consenting. Why is it so hard to understand that these are harder to talk about? They're the most hurtful and deceptive of all sexual practices.

I really don't understand what you're saying. Infidelity is disasterous to a relationship. All you've really said is that infidelity is less severe than murder and baby eating - DUH.

D-UH, indeed. If marraige is only about sex, then I can understand how your world would collapse if you partner had sex with someone else. I see it a little differently. If you want to punish her for the sex, I disagree. If you want to punish her for cheating, I suggest you try counselling to see if it can be fixed.

 

[isildur]

Originally posted by: athithi

Originally posted by: SP33Demon

The deception ocurred when she slept with someone outside of their marraige TWICE and not telling him that she was going to do it. If you can't grasp the fact that this is deception then I don't know what to tell u bud.

Let me clarify my stance further: tkdkid's wife did something without his knowledge. She did something that she knew would hurt him if he found out. She did something that is not a socially acceptable action in traditional marraiges. Is that wrong? Yes. Is that a mistake? Yes. Should she have to face the consequences? Absolutely! Why does it matter that it was sex?

Sex is a very sensitive issue where I come from. However, here in the U.S, I've found that people accept it more naturally and are not ashamed to talk about it and what effect it has on society. I am surprised that sex is a fairly comfortable topic for everybody here to handle *except* when it comes to infidelity. Her mistake was in doing something that would hurt someone she purportedly love - the sex was just a media for her deception and in my personal opinion, her deception was serious, but not devastating. It's not like she killed somebody or ate someone's child.

Go ahead, burn her on a stake if that will cleanse her of all the sexual demons

flame him if you want, but this guy has a good point:

all relationships include the violation of trust in one form or another if they last long enough and every marriage includes broken vows - to trust, cherish, love...better/worse, sickeness/health, etc. but people get WAY more worked up over this one that the others. I'm not saying its WRONG necessarily, but it should at least give you pause - and if you can't even ask yourself the question or tolerate someone else asking the question, the please just stfu - that mentality is irrational.

what athithi is doing is going one step further - he recognizes that people freak out over this sexual infidelity more than over the breaking of other vows and other infidelities and then goes to consider the view of US culture re: non-marital sexual relations to consider what special significance we might place on sexuality to make it somehow more critical than the other elements in the marriage.

- shrug -

he's not defending or attacking anyone so you guys really need to chill. what he IS doing is asking a question that alot of people can't even think about w/out getting all crazy.

 

I would not stand for it. I don't know your situation and all, but if she was my wife she would be out on her ass.

 

[CaseTragedy]

you should probably take some time away from each other. like a few months or so.

if you feel like you can get back together after the break--go for it.
if not, you're still really young.

 

[Aharami]

Originally posted by: jinduy

Originally posted by: aRCeNiTe

Originally posted by: HomerSapien
First, ignore 90% of the people in these forums.

Work with your wife. Go to counseling with your wife to find out why and what you two can do to make sure it doesnt happen again. There could be deep reasons that need to be worked out with outside help along. Plus it will help you learn trust her a little bit again, if things work out that way.

Good luck

To me, everything in a marriage can be forgiven except cheating.. I can not imagine looking at her the same way if she went and put her body all over another guy... Just the images...

Bill

yea thats what i was talkin about when i said it be on auto repeat on the back of my mind. id never be able to make love to her agian with those images in my mind. the relationship would just deteriorate cuz id probably end up treating her without any respect

oh man... that'd drive me nutts

 

[HeroOfPellinor]

Originally posted by: tkdkid

She says she sorry and she doesn't know what she was thinking.

She's lying or in denial. You don't just suddenly go home home early with somebody and suddenly sleep with them. There had to have been some lunches together and some inappropriate talk or behavior that LED UP to this.

Dump her. I'd forgive her, absolutly, but she doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to put your heart and mind on the line repeatedly for a woman who will undoubtedly crush them both again some day.

 

[SP33Demon]

Originally posted by: athithi

Originally posted by: SP33Demon

The deception ocurred when she slept with someone outside of their marraige TWICE and not telling him that she was going to do it. If you can't grasp the fact that this is deception then I don't know what to tell u bud.

Let me clarify my stance further: tkdkid's wife did something without his knowledge. She did something that she knew would hurt him if he found out. She did something that is not a socially acceptable action in traditional marraiges. Is that wrong? Yes. Is that a mistake? Yes. Should she have to face the consequences? Absolutely! Why does it matter that it was sex?

Sex is a very sensitive issue where I come from. However, here in the U.S, I've found that people accept it more naturally and are not ashamed to talk about it and what effect it has on society. I am surprised that sex is a fairly comfortable topic for everybody here to handle *except* when it comes to infidelity. Her mistake was in doing something that would hurt someone she purportedly love - the sex was just a media for her deception and in my personal opinion, her deception was serious, but not devastating. It's not like she killed somebody or ate someone's child.

Go ahead, burn her on a stake if that will cleanse her of all the sexual demons

You have to give us better examples than murder and baby eating. Many husbands here WOULD forgive their wife for murder (manslaughter for example, which is unintentional) before forgiving them for adultery (create a poll if you don't believe me).

Sex between 2 people who have agreed to only share their bodies with each other represents marraige itself, ask any married couple. Sex represents the highest form of love a couple can express for one another. It's one thing for a woman to lie to her husband, clear out his bank account, and blow the money in a casino. Yes, that violates trust, but a husband is likely not to take it as personally as if the wife snuck behind his back and had a threesome with 2 guys.

For a woman to give her body away represents that she doesn't acknowledge the love aspect between her and her husband, and love is the American idealized reason for marraige. Like I said, give us better (and realistic examples: baby eating is not likely) examples.

 

[Red Dawn]

How could you ever kiss her again knowing what's probably been in her mouth?

 

[Quixfire]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn
How could you ever kiss her again knowing what's probably been in her mouth?

Are you saying that kissing your girl friend is like kissing your own :Q?

 

[rickn]

Originally posted by: isildur

Originally posted by: athithi

Originally posted by: SP33Demon

- he recognizes that people freak out over this sexual infidelity more than over the breaking of other vows and other infidelities.

there's a good reason sexual infidelity is so important. you're exchanging DNA with someone else. Babies get made. It seems the OP and his wife were young when they got married. Neither of them probably had time to sow their wild oats. I think this is a problem for many young marriages

 

[GoingUp]

[luvly] Since youre a male and the female cheated, you must be at fault. You need to forgive her and hope that shell take your sorry ass back. Now if some man ever cheated on me, I'd kick his ass to the curb. [/luvly]


Sorry to hear it man...

 

[Reliant]

I was cheated on by one of my best friends and my girlfriend. I couldn't deal with it so I no longer deal with those people. It's tough to live on with, knowing that it happened, and I couldn't do it. I hope you find out what you need to do sooner than later, because that indecision is what tears you apart.

 

[nick1985]

i have a zero tolerance policy. i dont know how people can be cheated and stay with them, you are just asking for it to happen again.

 

[KarenMarie]

I have read every post on the first two pages here, and then only from the OP after that. Here is my $0.02...

the ppl who are telling you to get revenge, dont listen . that will make you a liar, a cheat and a sneak. You will lower youself and sell yourself out. And to me, if you are the type of person to be in a relationship this long, and be this broken up over her actions.... well, it tells me you are a decent man and behaving like that to get revenge will do you more damage within youself than anything that has happened thus far.

Only you can decide if you can forgive her. I would have to agree with the posters that say they could not, and would have to leave, as the relationship will never be the same. it will, indeed, always be there. The fact that you are still concerned about where she will live and how she will support herself reinforces to me that you are really a decent man. Perhaps you can move out temporarily and give her a time frame to get herself together, find a place and you can see where you both stand from separate living places.

What you are feeling now will change.... you will probably go thru phases of hurt, anger and humliation. The big question you need to ask is how you will feel about yourself by staying and accepting what she has done to you. In any case, you cannot let her shift the blame on you in any way what so ever. Saying that she felt unattractive or undesirable etc so she did what she did, is crap. If she felt that way, the time (and way) to let you know is before she slept with someone else. Not after , then try to shift the blame off of herself. She should have come to you and told you how she was feeling, and tried to work that out with you.

She broke your marriage. She destroyed the foundation. Only you can decide if it is worth trying to rebuild, but remember the foundation is unstable. Counseling is a good start, but don't be surprised if it leads to the ending of the marriage.. After all, anyone who would actually be that physically intimate with another person.... well, that defines what type of person they are, and what their defination of marriage and commitment is.

IMHO, you deserve better.

Good luck and GodSpeed,

 

[Karsten]

Originally posted by: SP33Demon


Sex between 2 people who have agreed to only share their bodies with each other represents marraige itself, ask any married couple. Sex represents the highest form of love a couple can express for one another. It's one thing for a woman to lie to her husband, clear out his bank account, and blow the money in a casino. Yes, that violates trust, but a husband is likely not to take it as personally as if the wife snuck behind his back and had a threesome with 2 guys.

For a woman to give her body away represents that she doesn't acknowledge the love aspect between her and her husband, and love is the American idealized reason for marraige. Like I said, give us better (and realistic examples: baby eating is not likely) examples.

Good point.

I am late to this discussion. While I would try to make up there would have to be some consequences. Such as a required series counseling session at church. Since you mention that you are both Religious it has clear implications not just between the two of you, but between you both and your relationship to God. Time to clear the Garbage and come clean with each other with the help of your spiritual leader! That should be the minimum you guys should do!

 

[spidey07]

Yes. Do get some counseling if even just for yourself.

But I've read that many marriages can actually get stronger after an affair. Its the age old question "am I better off with or without her?"

 

[ProUser]

Ask yourself: Would you ever cheat on her like she did on you?

If you said "No", why not? <-- Take your response and know, she DOES NOT have the same sentiments towards you. Do you want to be with someone like that?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. This is a universal truth.

Trust is completely destroyed. You will *always* carry this in the back of your mind, to think otherwise would only be lying to yourself. Everytime she comes home late - you will wonder. Everytime she goes out with friends - you WILL wonder.

If you truly love someone, you wouldn't cheat on them (in this case MULTIPLE times) and cause them so much pain. [Period] She does not truly love you with all her heart, if she did she would NOT have done this to you.

And no offense, but obviously there are problems in the relationship to begin with. If she was a strong & healthy person to be in a relationship with she would have addressed those with you, or seeked help BEFORE resorting to doing the nasty with someone else on multiple occasions.

Sorry for your situation... I can't imagine...

 

[Shanteli]

I'm so sorry about that man...I'd so dump her and move on somehow. There really is no point staying together. Is the relationship ever going to be the same or is it ever going to get to a higher level? I think not....not after this. This will always be a huge hole that will never be filled. I've been cheated on once in the past and I went through the same emotional stuff you are feeling right now. I wasn't married so I would multiply my pain by 10x to feel what you are feeling... Anyway....in a nutshell dump her and don't care about what happens to her. It is her fault and she deserves to wallow in her own mistakes. It is no longer your responsibility to care about her financial situation or whatnot.

From a legal standpoint it might suck becasue since you make more money than her you will probably have to pay alimony and other "fees". I'd talk to a divorce lawyer about all of this.

Hang in there buddy.

 

[Ausm]

Originally posted by: JackBurton

Originally posted by: SP33Demon

Originally posted by: NeoV
remember that even if you stay in the relationship, it will never be the same....also, for the peole here that say "I cheated on my wife and we stayed together blah blah blah"...know that for her, the relationship has never been the same, regardless of what she tells you, and that is burns in her mind nearly every day...I don't care if it was 1 year ago or 25 years ago, it is still smoldering in there..

Good words to abide by... remember, women NEVER FORGET even if men do!!!!!!!!!!

Remember, men never do either. :|

I second that!!

Sysadmin

 

[Yo Ma Ma]

Originally posted by: Shanteli
I'm so sorry about that man...I'd so dump her and move on somehow. There really is no point staying together. Is the relationship ever going to be the same or is it ever going to get to a higher level? I think not....not after this. This will always be a huge hole that will never be filled. I've been cheated on once in the past and I went through the same emotional stuff you are feeling right now. I wasn't married so I would multiply my pain by 10x to feel what you are feeling... Anyway....in a nutshell dump her and don't care about what happens to her. It is her fault and she deserves to wallow in her own mistakes. It is no longer your responsibility to care about her financial situation or whatnot.

From a legal standpoint it might suck becasue since you make more money than her you will probably have to pay alimony and other "fees". I'd talk to a divorce lawyer about all of this.

Hang in there buddy.

I doubt there would be any alimony involved, unless she worked and sacrificed her own education/career to put him through medical school or some other sort of training, I don't think alimony is awarded very often "these days."

 

[Shanteli]

Originally posted by: Yo_Ma-Ma

Originally posted by: Shanteli
I'm so sorry about that man...I'd so dump her and move on somehow. There really is no point staying together. Is the relationship ever going to be the same or is it ever going to get to a higher level? I think not....not after this. This will always be a huge hole that will never be filled. I've been cheated on once in the past and I went through the same emotional stuff you are feeling right now. I wasn't married so I would multiply my pain by 10x to feel what you are feeling... Anyway....in a nutshell dump her and don't care about what happens to her. It is her fault and she deserves to wallow in her own mistakes. It is no longer your responsibility to care about her financial situation or whatnot.

From a legal standpoint it might suck becasue since you make more money than her you will probably have to pay alimony and other "fees". I'd talk to a divorce lawyer about all of this.

Hang in there buddy.

I doubt there would be any alimony involved, unless she worked and sacrificed her own education/career to put him through medical school or some other sort of training, I don't think alimony is awarded very often "these days."

Oh really? Wonderful then. Yeah go talk to a lawyer and if things can go smoothly there the get rid of her.

 

[virtuamike]

I say take some time off and get away from her while you try to sort things out. What you should really be asking yourself is if this is the same woman you still want to stay married to for the rest of your life. The precepts that you based your marriage on are gone, so don't get drawn in by the lingering hope that you can make your marriage what it used to be. Try to examine things for what they are in the present. Can you trust someone that sleeps around? At the same time I respect her for coming forward and telling you. A lot of you are saying she's weak and she can't hold the guilt in, but I respect her for coming out with it.

This is something you're going to have to figure out on your own. I strongly suggest you do it away from her though, it'd make it easier to sort out your feelings and thoughts. Ask yourself where this fits in your religious beliefs. Ask yourself if you're willing to live with this women for the rest of your life. And if you're going to forgive, ask yourself if you can be happy with your decision.

Me personally, I'm not one to forgive and forget something like sleeping around, really defeats the purpose of marriage in my eyes. But contrary to the majority of ATOT I say you take the time to sort it out, I don't think anyone would think less of you for it.

Too bad you're not local, I'd buy ya a beer. :beer: :beer: :beer:

 

[thunderhorse]

You screw me once, shame on you. You screw me twice, shame on me. Where does it all stop????? You've got a tough decision to make. I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. I feel sorry for you dude.

Marriage is a bilateral agreement. If it's good for one, it is also good for the other. If one should not be hurt would it not be the same for the other?????

If sex is why you got married,,,,,,,,,,,, you made a bad decision if this was not the reason for both.

Three reasons to get married. Money, sex or companionship.

 

[athithi]

then goes to consider the view of US culture re: non-marital sexual relations to consider what special significance we might place on sexuality to make it somehow more critical than the other elements in the marriage.

isildur, my faith in human intelligence is restored Seriously, that is exactly what I am asking. I couldn't rephrase it better if I tried all day!

SP33Demon:
Did you see Red Dawn's question? According to his dubious logic a vast majority of Americans cannot ever kiss their wives because in the past something was in their mouths. And yet, they do.

Sex between 2 people who have agreed to only share their bodies with each other represents marraige itself, ask any married couple. Sex represents the highest form of love a couple can express for one another. It's one thing for a woman to lie to her husband, clear out his bank account, and blow the money in a casino. Yes, that violates trust, but a husband is likely not to take it as personally as if the wife snuck behind his back and had a threesome with 2 guys.

For a woman to give her body away represents that she doesn't acknowledge the love aspect between her and her husband, and love is the American idealized reason for marraige. Like I said, give us better (and realistic examples: baby eating is not likely) examples.

Delightfully mis-stated If they agree to share only their bodies, I believe the accurate American term for that is fvckbuddies (hey, blame Playboy! That's where I read the term first!). My point is that if they agree to share their bodies exclusively with each other then tkdkid's wife has betrayed him. It's a bad thing. He should seek and receive justice. Agreed? Agreed! My question is about the shock that so many are expressing here. Trust me, back in India, if this happened, it would be scandalous beyond your wildest imagination. I can understand that because ours is a sexually repressed (for good or bad is not the issue here) society. Yours is not. Western culture is supposed to be sexually mature. But the overwhelming sentiment expressed in this thread is that tkdkid's wife committed a horrendous crime. My contention is that when adult Americans know to not act like 13-year old boys when it comes to sex, why is this an exception? Don't go back to the betrayal again. I have already conceded that to you. Is the sexual maturity a myth or is the moral righteousness a mere facade? Or is it some amalgam of the two where in the absence of greater enlightenment, people take the path of least resistance (or conversely, most acceptance). It's just a rhetorical question. Don't lose sleep over it