wife just had an affair

[Shawn]

Originally posted by: Ranger X
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Truer words never spoken.

 

[fs5]

Originally posted by: iloveme2

Originally posted by: Ranger X
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Truer words never spoken.

 

[Spike]

Originally posted by: Ranger X
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I would disagree with that. My wife did something similar (she did not go as far, but close) right before we were engaged, 3 years later it no longer haunts me, though she sometimes has problems when something reminds her of it. It was tough man, but through prayer, support from friends, and some determination we have come through it. Now this was certianly a different situation due to the lack of actual "Affair" status and the fact we had not been married for 8 years, but the concept is the same. I believe that you should try as hard as possible to stick it out.

Just my opinion in it's natural, flawed state

-spike

 

[Atlantean]

Well marriage counselling would be in order for sure, but you have to decide if you still want to stay with her after she broke your trust. I am sure you have already decided what you are going to do though.

 

[Spike]

Originally posted by: Atlantean
Well marriage counselling would be in order for sure, but you have to decide if you still want to stay with her after she broke your trust. I am sure you have already decided what you are going to do though.

yah, that is definitly a good idea. I have heard it can do wonders for two people, especially to show them whether or not they can still exist as one.

P.S. love the quotes atlantean... good thing I deided not to skydive

 

[jerkdiggler]

This kind of thing is going to haunt you for the rest of your life, is she doing this or is she doing that etc. Best case scenario would be to move to a new town with a new job / new life with her if you can forgive her. The worst thing to do would be to have to think about the two of them reoccuring.

 

[jerkdiggler]

I was cheated on twice, then left for another guy, she came back to me, and left me for another guy and now she wants me back. During all this I've been virtually bed ridden by a collapsed disc and seeing another girl who is already in love with me but my feelings for her arent nearly the same although i care about her a lot. My attraction for my ex is fairly stronger but she is such a lying cheating slut that i just want to slash her tires and bone her brains out while she's with another guy and destroy their relationship. She's a Christina Aguillera and Britney Spears wannabe. She emulates them. (backup dancer for some pop star). Damn the pop culture turning faithful girlfriends into lying cheating whores. Anyways, the first time it's easy to forgive, forget, and move on because you dont have to deal with the grief and the downtime, but once it happens again, then you get pissed and begin to hate the woman you love which is truly painful and will affect future relationships for a while. If you can sense the cheating is not going to stop, get out, move on, before it really affects you.

 

[Golgatha]

Originally posted by: dababus
kick that guy's a$$ who take your wife to his place. Some people don't care about stepping over other people's territory and need to be taught a lesson.

Thank you! Finally someone realized that the guy who she cheated with, pretty much had to know she was married. He had a total disrespect for her spouse, and a total disregard for the institution of marriage. I'd be looking to pummel his a$$ myself, but then perhaps he isn't worth going to jail for either. Of course with no kids in the picture, it sure as hell would be tempting.

I've been married over 4 years, and have been with my (now) wife for around 10 years. This is my first, and God willing last (unless I outlive her, then it is bachelor pad time at the old folks home!), marriage. I would have a hard time letting go of the relationship, but since she cheated on you twice and went to the other guys place; she obviously was thinking logically the entire time and made the choice, not once, but twice to give her body up. Not only did she give her body up and totally shattered your trust; she also possibly exposed you to STDs by not telling you immediately after she cheated the first time. Also, if she wanted more spice, etc. in your marriage, why did she go looking for it in other places, rather than mentioning it to you first?

With no kids in the picture, I'd say you're better off without her in the long run. My advice for a smooth divorce (my dad has done this 3 times now, so I have some insider information) is cancel all joint credit card accounts immediately, pull all money from all bank accounts you can get your hands on, consolidate these accounts to a different bank, and start having your paycheck deposited to that account as well. Do this all very quickly to blindside her, and do not hide this money when it comes to divorce court, but please do realize that she can't get at it at all until the divorce is finalized. After all this financial BS is done quickly, promptly get yourself a lawyer that specializes in divorce, and kick her out immediately if the house is in your name only. She will now have the major stresses of having rejected credit cards, finding a new place to live, having less than half of her original income to live on, the fact that she probably can't afford a good lawyer or a lawyer at all, and your lawyer breathing down her neck to get the paperwork through. Put all the stress on her and she'll get closer to what she actually deserves from you, which is absolutely nothing.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: JHawk

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: JHawk
Men cheat for sex. Women cheat for the excitement/romance. If you can't provide the excitement she is looking for ( and hey this probably isn't your fault--I know from experience with my ex-wife) then I say move on.

WTF?!? is this your rationalization for all men and all women? Women can cheat just for the sex of it and men can cheat looking for love.

No wonder you have an ex-wife.

Å

I'm not rationalizing anything Bud--just speaking from personal experience. Not all men cheat for sex nor women for romance. All I know is that the spark I brought to my marriage wasn't enough for my wife. I caught her with another man and THAT is why I have an ex-wife.:disgust:

I have also learned from experience that the 'other' person in the divorce is always totally wrong. If you can't admit your some of your own doing influenced the divorce, then 1) it was doomed from the start or 2) it's doomed to perpetuate.

Å

 

[Conky]

Buy a hatchet, a meat grinder, and some bleach.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: LLLosingit
Man I'm so sorry to hear that.
I was with my (ex) wife for almost 10 years and found out she was cheating on me for the last 3 months we were together.
we tried to work things out but my trust in her was gone and no matter how hard I wanted it to work I found I could forgive her but not forget.
We have two kids so that made it even harder but my life is better now, yes I lost my kids and yes I lost everything I owned (and some I didn't) and yes I will end up paying $200,000 in child support before it's all over but I kept my sanity! She's still trying to get that LOL
If you think you can learn to trust her again then saving what you have is still possible, if you feel the trust is lost forever then it's time to move on.
Give it some time, I have some friends that worked through the same thing and ended up with a stronger marrige for it.
Good Luck

P.S. don't dwell on it, keep yourself busy and don't do anything that you will regret later, Right now she's the guilty one so don't do anything to try to even the score, If you do it may come back to bite you in the butt later.

Hmmm what was the reason for the divorce given on the court docs? I hardly think it was stated as infidelity and then she got the kids.

Your $200,000 figure is a nice one for those that don't understand divorce....for many only $200k for 2 kids LIFETIME child support would be pretty cheap....also technically whether or not the divorce occured it would have been money to have been spent anyway.

I say this is a simple thing....you either love her and realize there were mistakes on both sides made, work through fixing that and move on (the whole forgive but not forgetting is not forgiving....you keep bringing the past up whether it happened during the marriage or before it, she's out of there (or he)).....

The other side is you realize you aren't in love, that the marriage was just a shell to begin with and should never have been entered into (whether 1 or 100 children are involved, the healthiest thing for them is a happy homelife, seeing two people that hate each other everyday but are married is utterly confusing), and end it on the note that you guys made a mistake.

People change and they can only change themselves. People do things usually for themselves, not to hurt another person in these kinds of things. It doesn't matter if it's someone taking auto shop or dance lessons monday - friday and ignoring their spouse or going out and having sex with multiple partners or suggesting 'another' joins the bedroom..... People have wants and needs that no marriage or position in life changes. It's up to the other person to accept it or move on. It's that simple.

When I divorced I knew it became a mistake...her family believed their was never any problems in the world (despite two of them in the immediate family violently attacked and left crippled for life)....when my wife broke her neck she changed, her family kept saying she was the same person as always....our friends said I should be able to change her or keep her from doing things/tell her what to do. You cannot tell another adult what to do, if they want to have it their way it happens....beating them or locking them up is not an acceptable technique.

I made some mistakes near the end as well, I just ignored it all and decided to start living my life the way it was going to be soon (single)...I didn't think she'd care, but it really hurt her feelings and there were times when she'd agree to get help, but it was soon forgotten (she'd literately go into different personalities, the old sweet and understanding and then into a new cutthroat and selfish one that was owed everything the world offered)....She was beautiful though and say all these trophy wives everyday (she danced and did dressage) and her new personality dictated to her since she was more beautiful she should have more. It took her all of about 3 months after our divorce to become established with the son of a extremely wealthy family. There was alot more to the whole thing....but that's the jist. Was I bitter? no....I was a little ticked about how at the time I gave up a lot to help her then she goes out and just gets rid of it all for better stuff, but that was my choice.

Å

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Golgatha

Originally posted by: dababus
kick that guy's a$$ who take your wife to his place. Some people don't care about stepping over other people's territory and need to be taught a lesson.

Thank you! Finally someone realized that the guy who she cheated with, pretty much had to know she was married. He had a total disrespect for her spouse, and a total disregard for the institution of marriage. I'd be looking to pummel his a$$ myself, but then perhaps he isn't worth going to jail for either. Of course with no kids in the picture, it sure as hell would be tempting.

Jesus....that view comes from considering a WIFE as property....she is a big girl and doesn't need some 'guy' saying to her 'no honey you should go back to your husband at once, onward march!'

The whole 'going to jail' thing is also the coward's (or someone who would never do it anyway) claim....how long do you really think you will sit in jail for fighting someone who slept with your wife? I'd say overnight at the most, that's as long as I have sat. More often than not they drop the charges at that point because they know you will probably beat their ass again....sometimes not, but you can deal with it, it's not a life sentence or whatever. Just make sure you can take the guy....I have had that backfire on people when I didn't even touch the girl.

Many many times you either don't think of her as married or never knew it from the start (I have woke up with women and noticed 'the ring' the next morning)...

Teaching someone else the lesson is just an excuse to make up for a whore of a wife and usually stated by those that already have their doubts (and are probably right).

Å

 

[StageLeft]

I personally think that kicking the guy's ass is pathetic. If I was single and wanted to sleep with some woman it's her and her husband's issue if she's ready and willing, not mine. I won't say it's a nice thing to do, and I'd prefer not to take a married woman, but I have no concern for the husband, so why should I care about the marriage if his own wife doesn't? Him trying to kick my ass would be taking out frustrations that should squarely fall on her, but since he can't beat up her, he beats up me? It's rather silly.

If you know who slept with your wife that's a different matter, but if it's a stranger you should be pissed at your wife, not them for simply taking advantage of an opportunity.

 

[AMCRambler]

Originally posted by: y2kc

Originally posted by: AMCRambler
You guys have been together for 8 years, thats a long time. It's probably even been longer since you went out before you got married. You can't just throw all that away because she slept with somebody else. Yeah it hurts like hell, but you have to realize she didn't go sleep with the guy because she loved him. She obviously loves you because she told you. She slept with someone else out of physical need and that's not nearly as bad as if she didn't love you anymore. I think you guys can work through it. You've got to deal with her physical needs though. Are you guys going through a dry stretch in the bedroom? If so you gotta remedy that. She shouldn't be looking elsewhere for this kind of attention. I think you need to forgive her and then sweep her off feet, take a nice vacation with her some place like Aruba, something exotic, romance her, make her realize that even though she did what she did, nothing is going to change how you feel about her. I can only imagine how bad you feel right now, but you've got to get past it and move on. Don't lose a good thing.

Correct me if i'm wrong but it sounds like you're saying that it's his fault. He neglected her and she only acted out of a need left unfulfilled? now he should wine and dine and sweep this woman off of her feet?

wrong.

This is not his fault. If she had needs that were unfulfilled she should have expressed them to her husband and if he chose not to fulfill them she should have left the relationship.

Maybe she was expressing them. Maybe it was subtle and he was missing the signals. I'm not saying it was his fault, I'm just saying maybe she was trying to tell him but he really wasn't picking up on it and she didn't know how else to express it. Or maybe she dind't even realize it was happening herself. I don't know enough about it to say. But I do know is that there has to be a reason she is cheating after 8 years of marriage. That sort of thing usually happens a lot sooner. I remember hearing somewhere that divorces usually occur in the first 4 years of marriage. If it's 8 years later and they are still together, then obviously she was happy for quite a while. I think something changed with their intamacy and he didn't realize it but she did. I still think she deserves a second chance. People screw up, it happens.

 

[jdogg]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Oh so many people have asked but I forgot to respond, no we don't have any kids.

We've been talking and it's kind of the same old story. She feels unappreciated.... That we don't flirt much with each other anymore, or that we don't act like crazy teenagers in love apparently bothers her. We do have a fair share of that, but when you get older, it's just different, you know? She has very poor self esteem...she never thought anybody else would ever like her like I did when we started going out, and this guy did and she just went with it.

We're still young, 26 and 27.... I change my mind every 5 seconds. I am hurt on the deepest level possible, I just want her to leave and never see her again. At the same time, I still love her and hope to work it out.... Well, professional counseling is something we've agreed on. No idea what to do in the meantime.

I would say take a deep look at what you said here ....
" She feels unappreciated.... That we don't flirt much with each other anymore, or that we don't act like crazy teenagers in love apparently bothers her."
... Sorry man, but it sounds like the two of you got married way to young and she apparently is not mature enough to handle a serious relationship. Did this episode mature her? .... or did she just get a taste of life and has made her hungry for more. Honestly, i think your best bet is at least a trial seperation ... move out ... don't live with eachother ... both of you might find that you really would rather not be with eachother ... certainly this is a far better choice than going on and having kids in a bad marriage!!

 

[Webthug]

I feel real sorry for you man... life can be real hard some times but that's life i s'pose
Firsly go have one of these :beer: to cool off
Perhaps the best thing you can do at the moment is to understand that all of the pain, anger and betrayal that has built up in side you (unless you are very placid) really achieves nothing positive for you. Your wife has proven to you that she really doesn't give a flying f**k about you not once but TWICE. Considering this, why then are you wasting your precious brainpower giving her more than what she has shown she will give you. As for the floods of tears, it is more probably an act to remove some of the blame from herself by trying to have others pity her. Tkdkid we can only offer advice. What u do must come from your heart and your heart only. If u want to burn her at the stake do so but i would recomend that u get a great deffence lawyer first.
an ausie saying for you....
Shit happens and it's up to you to move it.

 

[repdtek]

Hey man I gotta give my 2 cents:

Just the thought of my wife giving up the most sacred and powerful parts a woman has to another man is enough to make me sick. It is pure selfishness and it didnt happen overnight. If you are able to forgive her you are a far better man then me. I would detatch myself emotionally and move out, file a divorce and find a more mature and dedicated woman...kids or not and I have 4. I am sorry to hear this it is a very scary thought...I would be afraid as to what I might do to the other individual...I can just about promise you I would at least kick his ass. Hang in there bro I bet you have more empathy from guys in these forums then your "WIFE" does.

 

[jdogg]

I think many of you are judging this woman with unfounded reasoning. You think of her as complete gutter trash without even taking the time to consider yourself in her place, or knowing the situation. There are always 2 sides to EVERY story....
She could very well be no good; but I refuse to judge and condemn her without knowing exactly what was going through her head, that after 8 committed years she would go out and sleep with another man, twice. And I'm sorry, after 8 years of being committed (if she really was completely committed), something has to be going through her head. As somone else mentioned, this was somewhat premeditated, she knew what she was doing. And I really don't think it was, "oh i think i'm just going to go and find a man and cheat on my husband"....i really don't.[/quote]

While you certainly have an interesting viewpoint, i would have to say in this point you are certainly wrong. This woman is gutter trash, and here's the reasoning ... she entered into marriage with the preconception of FIDELITY .. at least on hubbies part. Then she went behind his back and slept with with another man. Now marriage, if about nothing else, should be about trust .... and this woman went and performed just about the greatest act of mistrust one could do. You might consider fidelity to a spouce archaic ... but is the idea of being able to trust your spouse archaic as well?? What is even the point of marraige then? Tax benefits? LOL

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: repdtek
Hey man I gotta give my 2 cents:

Just the thought of my wife giving up the most sacred and powerful parts a woman has to another man is enough to make me sick. It is pure selfishness and it didnt happen overnight. If you are able to forgive her you are a far better man then me. I would detatch myself emotionally and move out, file a divorce and find a more mature and dedicated woman...kids or not and I have 4. I am sorry to hear this it is a very scary thought...I would be afraid as to what I might do to the other individual...I can just about promise you I would at least kick his ass. Hang in there bro I bet you have more empathy from guys in these forums then your "WIFE" does.

If you think a couple folds of skin is the most sacred and powerful part of a woman your wife really got herself a winnar!

By your definition of it being the 'most powerful' part then the man's counterpart is also....if it is the 'most powerful' saying no to infidelity when it's offered would be impossible with that logic.

Å

 

[spidey07]

www.marriagebuilders.com

good stuff. Real good stuff. You two can survive this if you want to.

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: repdtek
Hey man I gotta give my 2 cents:

Just the thought of my wife giving up the most sacred and powerful parts a woman has to another man is enough to make me sick. It is pure selfishness and it didnt happen overnight. If you are able to forgive her you are a far better man then me. I would detatch myself emotionally and move out, file a divorce and find a more mature and dedicated woman...kids or not and I have 4. I am sorry to hear this it is a very scary thought...I would be afraid as to what I might do to the other individual...I can just about promise you I would at least kick his ass. Hang in there bro I bet you have more empathy from guys in these forums then your "WIFE" does.

If you think a couple folds of skin is the most sacred and powerful part of a woman your wife really got herself a winnar!

By your definition of it being the 'most powerful' part then the man's counterpart is also....if it is the 'most powerful' saying no to infidelity when it's offered would be impossible with that logic.

Å

while i always agree with what you have to say alkemyst, i do disagree with this...

i think he meant physically its the most powerful part, and he is right. it is a sacred bond that only the two involved in the marriage should share. i see what you are saying, but i think you are just a little off base on this one.

 

[purepolly]

tkdkid - how are you doing today?

I can remember what a surreal nightmare the first few months were after finding out about the ex's cheating. Nothing like being caught in a storm not of your making. Some suggestions: please remember to take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and sleep (tylenol pm is great if you need help). Talk to someone in real life about this, there are plenty who have gone through this who can help, don't try to go through this alone.

And this is going to sound silly, just remember to breath.


you might also want to check out divorceonline.com - the good people there can help

 

[Geekbabe]

The worst thing about the cheating is that it leaves you sitting there wondering what you did wrong to cause it. let's face it,people don't step out and cheat on wonderful,sexy,desirable spouses do they?

 

[rickn]

Originally posted by: AMCRambler

Originally posted by: y2kc

Originally posted by: AMCRambler
You guys have been together for 8 years, thats a long time. It's probably even been longer since you went out before you got married. You can't just throw all that away because she slept with somebody else. Yeah it hurts like hell, but you have to realize she didn't go sleep with the guy because she loved him. She obviously loves you because she told you. She slept with someone else out of physical need and that's not nearly as bad as if she didn't love you anymore. I think you guys can work through it. You've got to deal with her physical needs though. Are you guys going through a dry stretch in the bedroom? If so you gotta remedy that. She shouldn't be looking elsewhere for this kind of attention. I think you need to forgive her and then sweep her off feet, take a nice vacation with her some place like Aruba, something exotic, romance her, make her realize that even though she did what she did, nothing is going to change how you feel about her. I can only imagine how bad you feel right now, but you've got to get past it and move on. Don't lose a good thing.

Correct me if i'm wrong but it sounds like you're saying that it's his fault. He neglected her and she only acted out of a need left unfulfilled? now he should wine and dine and sweep this woman off of her feet?

wrong.

This is not his fault. If she had needs that were unfulfilled she should have expressed them to her husband and if he chose not to fulfill them she should have left the relationship.

Maybe she was expressing them. Maybe it was subtle and he was missing the signals. I'm not saying it was his fault, I'm just saying maybe she was trying to tell him but he really wasn't picking up on it and she didn't know how else to express it. Or maybe she dind't even realize it was happening herself. I don't know enough about it to say. But I do know is that there has to be a reason she is cheating after 8 years of marriage. That sort of thing usually happens a lot sooner. I remember hearing somewhere that divorces usually occur in the first 4 years of marriage. If it's 8 years later and they are still together, then obviously she was happy for quite a while. I think something changed with their intamacy and he didn't realize it but she did. I still think she deserves a second chance. People screw up, it happens.

I think a married woman, going over to another guys house, not once, but twice, and then telling her husband about it, is a good way of expressing yourself. I her case, I think she wants the hell out of the marriage. And he should find someone else he can respect and trust. He'll never trust her again. Not unless he ties her to bed 24hrs a day

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: repdtek
Hey man I gotta give my 2 cents:

Just the thought of my wife giving up the most sacred and powerful parts a woman has to another man is enough to make me sick. It is pure selfishness and it didnt happen overnight. If you are able to forgive her you are a far better man then me. I would detatch myself emotionally and move out, file a divorce and find a more mature and dedicated woman...kids or not and I have 4. I am sorry to hear this it is a very scary thought...I would be afraid as to what I might do to the other individual...I can just about promise you I would at least kick his ass. Hang in there bro I bet you have more empathy from guys in these forums then your "WIFE" does.

If you think a couple folds of skin is the most sacred and powerful part of a woman your wife really got herself a winnar!

By your definition of it being the 'most powerful' part then the man's counterpart is also....if it is the 'most powerful' saying no to infidelity when it's offered would be impossible with that logic.

Å

while i always agree with what you have to say alkemyst, i do disagree with this...

i think he meant physically its the most powerful part, and he is right. it is a sacred bond that only the two involved in the marriage should share. i see what you are saying, but i think you are just a little off base on this one.

I just dont see how it matters...maybe I am too experienced who knows.

My wife was 41 when we married (me 31)...I know she likes sex even though she is a sweetie.

Do I care if she had been a prostitute at sometime before? no Maybe she did 1000 Bukkake films (she's japanese)....oh well

The thing is sex is so trival....it's the misconception that's not. People think those that have all this sex stuff are whores, or they secretly wish 'that guy/girl' was back in their arms/between their legs...a lot of my previous sex was just that, some girl I don't even remember providing a free-service at that time. Yes, it was a blast, I had fun, I may have done things illegal in most states...but I don't remember her, or think about her if I do.

From tons of women, 4 fiancees, 1 divorce, 1 current marriage, I will say that what the woman does for you is more important than what she has done.

Å