wife just had an affair

[iwearnosox]

Good lord, could someone please sum up the 400 posts and let us know what the verdict is?

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Sifl
Good lord, could someone please sum up the 400 posts and let us know what the verdict is?

Read the topic, your wife is cheating on you.

Å

 

[tkdkid]

Originally posted by: Sifl
Good lord, could someone please sum up the 400 posts and let us know what the verdict is?

The verdict is still undecided. We're going to counselling on Monday, and I'm sure a lot of really hurtful things are going to come out of that, but they need to be said. It's impossible for me to make a decision at the moment, because I'm just too hurt. Over time (a lot of time) it should become obvious whether we can make things work again or not. I'm willing to try and just see what happens.

 

[Ninjja]

The verdict is still undecided. We're going to counselling on Monday, and I'm sure a lot of really hurtful things are going to come out of that, but they need to be said. It's impossible for me to make a decision at the moment, because I'm just too hurt. Over time (a lot of time) it should become obvious whether we can make things work again or not. I'm willing to try and just see what happens.[/quote]

Man, i wish you the best of luck. Yeah, even though it sucks, time really does help things heal, one way or another, you just have to try and be at your strongest now, and for that I wish you all the best.

 

[JJWalker]

Originally posted by: tkdkid

Originally posted by: Sifl
Good lord, could someone please sum up the 400 posts and let us know what the verdict is?

The verdict is still undecided. We're going to counselling on Monday, and I'm sure a lot of really hurtful things are going to come out of that, but they need to be said. It's impossible for me to make a decision at the moment, because I'm just too hurt. Over time (a lot of time) it should become obvious whether we can make things work again or not. I'm willing to try and just see what happens.

Read as: Whether or not she's willing to start taking it in the pooper.

 

[MillionaireNextDoor]

Man, I can't imagine what's going on in your head right now. Hope that counseling works out. I'm leaning towards forgiveness though. Though both of you can't forget about it; just don't bring it up. That's forgiveness.

 

[sxr7171]

Originally posted by: MillionaireNextDoor
Man, I can't imagine what's going on in your head right now. Hope that counseling works out. I'm leaning towards forgiveness though. Though both of you can't forget about it; just don't bring it up. That's forgiveness.

I think your definition of forgiveness is a very good one, and very hard to do. I think tkdkid will find out what he needs to know during counselling, and that will help him make his decision. I'm sure the only question in his mind is: Why? That question will never be fully answered, but hopefully it will be addressed enough that he can come to a decision.

Good luck tkdkid.

 

[emb09]

get a new woman who is half your age. (assuming that that is legal.)

also, make sure to keep all the electronics (tv, dvd, receiver, speakers) and let her have all the kitchen appliances.

Good luck.

 

[WooDaddy]

Originally posted by: tkdkid

Originally posted by: Sifl
Good lord, could someone please sum up the 400 posts and let us know what the verdict is?

The verdict is still undecided. We're going to counselling on Monday, and I'm sure a lot of really hurtful things are going to come out of that, but they need to be said. It's impossible for me to make a decision at the moment, because I'm just too hurt. Over time (a lot of time) it should become obvious whether we can make things work again or not. I'm willing to try and just see what happens.

/RamblingBegin/
And that, my good man, it the best way to approach it. The sanctity of sex with your wife has been violated. It will never be the same, but that is not to say that it can't be better than it is now. Time may heal but it may not either. What you probably need to hear is whether or not she is capable of changing her ways. Additionally, it was probably not the first time that it happened. Maybe not sex, but maybe being flirtatious with other men or kissing or whatever. But you'll have to realize that it won't just be her that will have to do the changing either. If it's attention she seeks, you may need to up the game.

Unfortunately, you did get married earlier.. Personally, I believe TOO early. 18 is a year of major changes as well is 21. I'm the same age as you and I won't touch a woman/girl who is just hitting legal levels (18 and 21). My friend was just about to propose to his gf who is 22; they've been dating since 19. She just recently broke up with him and gave him the "I need space" reason. Basically, she probably realized that she was too young to make that move and felt she needed to experience life. ... Doh.. I'm rambling too much...

/Rambing -2/

Here's what I'm trying to say. Some/most people feel that they need to have reference points to appreciate or end their relationships. This means flirting and/or sleeping around or just partying a whole lot. It's that whole grass is greener, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone syndrome. On the flip side there's the I've got the catch, now I don't have to do anything. Both mindsets are counterproductive to keeping a successful, enjoyable relationship. tkdkid, you'll have to realize the catch you've got and make sure she is reminded on a regular basis how much you are happy to be with her. Trust me, it's easier than it sounds. It could be as simple as ironing her clothes or a grandiose as taking her on a vacation. My gf brags to all her friends about how I'll just dump her garbage and iron her clothes. Simple things can speak volumes to women when they come from the heart and show that you are paying attention to her. As for her,.... well we don't know much about her side, but she does need to understand that her low self-esteem and drop in morals needs to be rejuvenated as well as regain trust in you.

..... I don't know how I can end this message... so...

Seek counseling for yourself, then both of you.

Marriage is a vow to God, family and you. If she doesn't realize the seriousness, God will forgive you for taking part of a divorce.. if you repent.

Doh... more rambling...

/RamblingEnd/

 

[SleepNoMore]

I'm not married but might as well be. I've been totally monagamous with the same lady for 3 years and I am pretty sure she has been also. For one thing she's makes it clear that she's physically attracted to me. There are so many good things about the relationship and I like her family too. So she is good for me and it dawns on me that... if I have a brain, I will stay. I would be a fool to betray her. * And I uh KNOW this *.

That being said. Relationships involve * work * to some degree. And a lot of fun too. There are a lot of good looking tempting people around. Some people have realtionships glued together for the wrong reason - money, security etc. It's not that they are really attracted to each other or see each other's hearts.

Some people lack the courage to end some relationships because of habit or because - nonsexually they really are friends or have been through a lot together.

Some parts of attraction are "automatic" if one does not have the brains, attention span or willpower to see where things are going or might lead. I have found that somehow women are easier to be in denial about this aspect of human nature and responsibility. I have overheard women co-workers and female acquaintences, etc over the years: "it just happened"(with a big grin on their faces). Men however * KNOW * EXACTLY where this (their emotional sexual drifting off course) IS going, whether they go through with it or not. They don't kid themselves about what the are toying with doing or what the price of it would be. It just then gets down to whether they are going to do it or not. My opinion. (Male here speaking...all you other males who understand about this one, raise your hands). I personally choose to nip it in the bud when I find some mutual attraction with someone. Doubly if the person is married. A friendly distance keeps me out of a lot of trouble. Yeah, I could "let" myself go there ...but I would be an idiot. That is the decision everyone must make who is in a committed relationship. You make that decision daily if you work or live around attractive others.

What you have in a healthy relationship: Someone to talk to, emotional security, a history with someone, family (hopefully it's good), etc. What you give up: Variety. You know every inch of your partner's body, no matter how good they look. You gotta start looking for something else from them or it isn't going to last. I don't think humans are built for monagamy, it's an aquired behavior.



With that being said..... I can only tell you what I would do: I would be done with her. I wouldn't get violent or evil. I might say a few things and make sure she's gone but I personally could not trust someone like that...or...let me put it another way: Life is too short to take more than one sucker punch from the same lover.

There's a reason this happened and I think after 8 years she realizes she missing something and you arent the one who can give it to her. Either that or you are but you don't need to be around in 6 months when she realizes you were a good deal.

Be wise pal. Take care.


:gift:

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: SleepNoMore

That being said. Relationships involve * work * to some degree. And a lot of fun too. There are a lot of good looking tempting people around. Some people have realtionships glued together for the wrong reason - money, security etc. It's not that they are really attracted to each other or see each other's hearts.

Well some say these are actually better reasons than emotions for a relationship. Many of these material relationships last longer and are more comfortable for both if they know where they stand within the relationships.

Some parts of attraction are "automatic" if one does not have the brains, attention span or willpower to see where things are going or might lead. I have found that somehow women are easier to be in denial about this aspect of human nature and responsibility. I have overheard women co-workers and female acquaintences, etc over the years: "it just happened"(with a big grin on their faces). Men however * KNOW * EXACTLY where this (their emotional sexual drifting off course) IS going, whether they go through with it or not. They don't kid themselves about what the are toying with doing or what the price of it would be. It just then gets down to whether they are going to do it or not. My opinion. (Male here speaking...all you other males who understand about this one, raise your hands). I personally choose to nip it in the bud when I find some mutual attraction with someone. Doubly if the person is married. A friendly distance keeps me out of a lot of trouble. Yeah, I could "let" myself go there ...but I would be an idiot. That is the decision everyone must make who is in a committed relationship. You make that decision daily if you work or live around attractive others.

This is not true. What happen's is you find yourself attracted to someone and are forced to work with them. If they are attracted also is when trouble can happen. You both may be in love his other people, but you have all this chemistry going (saying a woman is not thinking it may go or wanting it to the bedroom is naive), of course you both have self-control....

However, perhaps as much as you both fight it, one day some harmless flirting happens...then a little more another....this continues. Then one day you both are out somewhere late, tired, and not thinking it totally through....maybe both drinking a little after a long week on the road....then either person kisses the other and that's that. You then are now in the heat of passion. Depending on the level of it, you may catch yourself and stop "I can't do this I am married" is probably said more often than the other spouse knows and then of course there is the remorse and guilt part of waking up the next day with another married person....you both know you screwed up and you both know to keep it quiet.

What you have in a healthy relationship: Someone to talk to, emotional security, a history with someone, family (hopefully it's good), etc. What you give up: Variety. You know every inch of your partner's body, no matter how good they look. You gotta start looking for something else from them or it isn't going to last. I don't think humans are built for monagamy, it's an aquired behavior.

With that being said..... I can only tell you what I would do: I would be done with her. I wouldn't get violent or evil. I might say a few things and make sure she's gone but I personally could not trust someone like that...or...let me put it another way: Life is too short to take more than one sucker punch from the same lover.

Now this is in conflict...you are saying humans aren't built for monogamy and they have to aquire that behavior....it should also go without saying then to acquire that behavior there will be slipups....whether before you meet her, during her, or after her. A little bit of sex doesn't change a lifetime together.....if the relationship is new then I'd say break it down and start over elsewhere, but cheating spouse/SO's after 7 years of monogamy is sort of a proven 'problem', it happens a lot....mostly never known by the other person, who may also be keeping a secret.

Some more information I have learned. You have people that dated frequently and those that could never get a date....the latter are usually the ones that harp on how they WOULD never cheat and elaborate about all the OPPORTUNITY they have

The former acknowledge it better and admit it's sometimes hard to say faithful, but they do because they love their SO. Even worse are the people that claim if you are ever even in a position where cheating can happen you are guilty or if you gained the attention of someone else you must have been looking for their attention.

I write off any 'ugly/unsocial' person's complains on this kind of thing (NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING THIS ABOUT ANYONE HERE, this in general)...I am not saying I am Tom Cruise or whoever, but I do like to talk to people around me and even wearing my wedding ring I have been hit on by some women I am just chatting with in a restaurant or book store....I have even had them go as far as to say "it's just going to be sex and how is your WIFE going to find out, she'd not here is she? You could stop 'on the way home' for something...well here is my number in case you change your mind". Now at that point I am sort of confused as while I thought it may be a remote possibility she may think I am single and see if I want to go out sometime, I was not looking for a proposal mid afternoon in a conservative type of place .

married men are definitely a challenge I think for sexually thinking/aggressive women.....I can even be a little overweight and get flirted with in front of my wife....(it goes the other way too, people flirt with her as well time to time).

Å

 

[MystikMango]

The verdict is still undecided. We're going to counselling on Monday, and I'm sure a lot of really hurtful things are going to come out of that, but they need to be said. It's impossible for me to make a decision at the moment, because I'm just too hurt. Over time (a lot of time) it should become obvious whether we can make things work again or not. I'm willing to try and just see what happens.

I had a similar thing happen to me. We had 2 kids (1yr & 3yrs). I went on a 6-month deployment, my wife cheated. I was young and dumb, so I forgave her. I went on a second 6-month deployment a few years later, and she did it again. Getting divorced was the most selfish thing I could have done because of the kids and my beliefs that children need both parents. Would I get divorced again? Hell yes.

You can try the counselling, and it might make you feel better in the short-term. In the end, you will will always be questioning yourself on the whereabouts of your wife while you are at work or other places without her. Like the addage goes, if you taste the milk from the fridge and it's spoiled, placing in back and checking it tomorrow won't make it better.

I chaulked up my mistakes as learning experiences and moved on. I still have a good relationship with my kids (12 & 15 now). I'm remarried and in a perfect relationship, and have a new son (1yr next month). Getting divorced and out of that losing situation was the best thing I could have done for myself.

 

[Gillbot]

Originally posted by: Ranger X
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

[Chrono]

dump her quickly
you'll never forget in your mind how much of a @#$@#$ she is
so better to let her go then mess up your mind

 

[huesmann]

What's good for the goose is good for the gander!

Find some bitch you like and hit it.

 

[Rendition]

Hang in there man.

 

[AndrewPaulNet]

Personally, I'm proud of you TK. Counselling is a great first step. Lots of people would have taken the easy way out.

And as much as it hurts....the pain will go away, especially if it's meant to be. It'll never be completely gone, it'll always be a touchy, bad memory, but it won't hurt so much if the trust and fire is rekindled the right way.
Don't let people sway you with statements like "she's been touched by someone other than you within marriage". Fact is people make mistakes, and they don't make them once or twice, they make them their whole life. This was a big mistake on her part; but if she is truely sorry - forgiveness is the key.

I was with my girlfriend for 6 years before we decided to get married. Thankfully she hasn't done anything like that and neither have I - but I know for a fact that if she did, I would not be kicking her to the curb - I mean as long as I felt in my heart she was genuinely sorry ofcourse. And I know it's not because I'm whipped or can't find anyone else or because I'm just lazy or comfortable, it's because I love her....as in I don't see myself being without her because of any reasons less than death or she wanting to leave me or cheating and not being remorseful (which is aka wanting to leave me). I am completely happy with her in my life and have felt complete for about 4 years now. And if she did ever cheat I don't think of her as my property anyway, so I would obviously not be thinking oh my God, another man has touched my stuff or whatever - I'd be extremely hurt for obvious reasons....self esteem, pride, trust, etc. but I'd never be thinking she was dirty or nasty. There's always a real reason, and hopefully going to counselling, which will be as painful as you think it will be - is the perfect thing.
Remember that before you go through all this, you need to look inside yourself and make sure you love her. Noone can tell you what love in general is. I think love is an individual emotion. Unlike anger or some other emotions, love is the most unique feeling one can have and for no 2 people does it feel the same. For me I guess to explain it in the least amount of words, my wife makes me happy is all. After the anger, the embarassment, the pain, all the bad, I mean...whatever a relationship can throw at you in a negative way, in the end - the one you love makes you happy and soulful....by that I mean I feel 100 percent comfy around her, happy, safe (yes, safe).

Please please noone read this the wrong way - but it's kind of the way parents made me feel safe, happy, angry, sad, etc. But in the end, the feeling is of happiness and being content and glad they are your parents, and you wouldnt want any other...get what I'm saying?

I hope you understood what I've said. I've explained my situation so maybe you could identify with some of them and figure out your own.

Good luck to you and I sincerely hope things work out for you.

 

[viking1966]

if you cant forgive .. get out..
If you have been unhappy .. get out..
getting out is not something i consider to be a easy way out or you would not have posted the topic.
dont rely on god to save you, he gave you the mind to choose to be in a good or bad situation..
life is to short..
there is more than one fish in the sea..
separate for a month or so and do the things you have wanted to do but couldnt because you didnt want to upset her..
..

99% of the time if a person cheats once they will do it again..

.. good luck.. and be where you want to be and with the people that treat you the way you want to be treated..

 

[Finalnight]

updates?

 

[tkdkid]

Counselling Results:
Well, it was decided at the marriage counselling that I've been depressed for several years now. I've given up caring about anything, including her. I really believe that the reason for the depression is that my wife never showed any appreciation for anything that I ever did for her. I never came home to a nice meal, or a clean house. I got a simple thanks when I would go out of my way to get her a nice gift or just spend some time giving her a massage or something like that. She would never do anything for me. She didn't ever seem to care about anything herself, and I really believed that it didn't matter what I did for her, there was nothing I could do to make her happy.

I just thought that if we hung in there long enough, that we could get a house, a dog, maybe even have kids. Maybe then she would be happy and she'd care and things would be good. I went to see a therapist on my own after the counselling and now I'm taking antidepressants. She understands that she needs to show appreciation and she's going to try to work on that. I thought all women naturally felt that they should put something back into the relationship themselves. Shouldn't she just naturally want to do things for me? Anyway, for now we're just going day by day and seeing what happens.

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Counselling Results:
Well, it was decided at the marriage counselling that I've been depressed for several years now. I've given up caring about anything, including her. I really believe that the reason for the depression is that my wife never showed any appreciation for anything that I ever did for her. I never came home to a nice meal, or a clean house. I got a simple thanks when I would go out of my way to get her a nice gift or just spend some time giving her a massage or something like that. She would never do anything for me. She didn't ever seem to care about anything herself, and I really believed that it didn't matter what I did for her, there was nothing I could do to make her happy.

I just thought that if we hung in there long enough, that we could get a house, a dog, maybe even have kids. Maybe then she would be happy and she'd care and things would be good. I went to see a therapist on my own after the counselling and now I'm taking antidepressants. She understands that she needs to show appreciation and she's going to try to work on that. I thought all women naturally felt that they should put something back into the relationship themselves. Shouldn't she just naturally want to do things for me? Anyway, for now we're just going day by day and seeing what happens.

As long as you both work to change for the better then it might turn out okay, but don't delude yourself if she isn't changing.

 

[rh71]

How does she act around the house and around you these days ?

 

[Doggiedog]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Counselling Results:
Well, it was decided at the marriage counselling that I've been depressed for several years now. I've given up caring about anything, including her. I really believe that the reason for the depression is that my wife never showed any appreciation for anything that I ever did for her. I never came home to a nice meal, or a clean house. I got a simple thanks when I would go out of my way to get her a nice gift or just spend some time giving her a massage or something like that. She would never do anything for me. She didn't ever seem to care about anything herself, and I really believed that it didn't matter what I did for her, there was nothing I could do to make her happy.

I just thought that if we hung in there long enough, that we could get a house, a dog, maybe even have kids. Maybe then she would be happy and she'd care and things would be good. I went to see a therapist on my own after the counselling and now I'm taking antidepressants. She understands that she needs to show appreciation and she's going to try to work on that. I thought all women naturally felt that they should put something back into the relationship themselves. Shouldn't she just naturally want to do things for me? Anyway, for now we're just going day by day and seeing what happens.

That is scary. That is like my marriage right now except I have kids.

Good luck and hang in there.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Counselling Results:
Well, it was decided at the marriage counselling that I've been depressed for several years now. I've given up caring about anything, including her. I really believe that the reason for the depression is that my wife never showed any appreciation for anything that I ever did for her. I never came home to a nice meal, or a clean house. I got a simple thanks when I would go out of my way to get her a nice gift or just spend some time giving her a massage or something like that. She would never do anything for me. She didn't ever seem to care about anything herself, and I really believed that it didn't matter what I did for her, there was nothing I could do to make her happy.

I just thought that if we hung in there long enough, that we could get a house, a dog, maybe even have kids. Maybe then she would be happy and she'd care and things would be good. I went to see a therapist on my own after the counselling and now I'm taking antidepressants. She understands that she needs to show appreciation and she's going to try to work on that. I thought all women naturally felt that they should put something back into the relationship themselves. Shouldn't she just naturally want to do things for me? Anyway, for now we're just going day by day and seeing what happens.

don't question the counselling or try to say if this or that about it. It was a valid response 9/10 times.

She works too right, you said she did this when she got off early? how do you expect meals/clean house? Maybe she is faulting you for messing it up.

The depressed mind wants compliments and more....I understand that as I went through it. However, many things don't get complimented and that is normal.

You wife is also probably feeling left out of life. She wants to be appreciative more than likely, but she is also waiting for her Prince Charming and Solver of All Problems.

Usually the common problem is men get married and think their wives will just offer up every orifice on a 24/7 policy, cook dinner, have all the clothes clean, starched and ironed, the floors and counters spotless, and a 7 course meal nightly. Also they need to bring home a upper-low to mid level 5 figure annual salary

Å

 

[GoingUp]

I still think you need to show her the door. Very religious? Musta forgot about Jesus and honoring the marraige vows when she was getting screwed by some loser from her work.

Get her tested for STDs too BTW.