Would you disown your relatives

[LuckyTaxi]

When we were younger, my cousins and I were very close. My bro and I would sleep over and we would have some
great times together just chilling @ home playing games and watching movies. Fast forward to 2001 & now the new year,
and we hardly talk. Their family (my cousin's) broke up, parents separated, one boy and two girls left to live with their mom
in Atlanta, and the other three stayed in Philly to live with their pops. I never thought it would come down to this, and I always
thought we would always have a solid connection as we mature and grew older. However, things are starting to crumble, and
in a way I'm sad, but also don't feel like I owe much to them for the path they took.

I rceived a phone call from my cousin who was calling from the hospital. i thought of the worst case scenerio, but it was close enough.
A few weeks earlier, I heard my cousin got pregnant by sleeping with some married guy. Now she's 7 months pregnant, and the docs
made her stay overnight cuz her cervix was expanding or something. I could tell she needed my help cuz I was always there for her
5-6 years ago. In a way I wanna help as much as I could, but at the same time her and her brothers chose a different path from my
brother and I. We're in school now, and living a great life while they're suffering trying to make ends meet. It's sad to see anyone let
alone your own relatives, but I dont know. Why should I bother when I busted my a$$ off in school and work full time while they can
live off the system? I know it may sound mean and I'm coldhearted and all, but what got me was that my aunt doesnt want to deal
with them. She's moved on with her own family, and she doesnt care as much as she did. I have to admit that my cousins are on the bad
side, but the divorce really hurt their family.

Am I right for feeling this way? If it was my immediate family, would I feel different? Probably yes. I have my own problems to deal with,
and I don't want to stick myself into a position where I may get sucked into doing other things for them.

 

[NakaNaka]

I've disowned my grandfather but that is a very long, complicated and personal story.

 

[Juniper]

I believe in helping someone if that person asked for help.

 

[atrowe]

Good deeds do not often go unrewarded.

 

[killface]

What kind of help are we talking about here? Financial, or emotional? I can't really see why you wouldnt help her out just because you lost contact with her years ago. At the very least, you'll feel good about yourself for helping.

 

[Yo Ma Ma]

What kind of help, just being supportive? People can still change, perhaps the divorce and lifestyle was more difficult for them than you know. Hope things do work out for you!

 

[LuckyTaxi]

<< What kind of help are we talking about here? Financial, or emotional? I can't really see why you wouldnt help her out just because you lost contact with her years ago. At the very least, you'll feel good about yourself for helping. >>



Well, it's more of like driving her places. Financial wise I probably wouldn't mind a few dollars here and there. But I told her I was working
all next week and I couldn't drive her to the family court. I lied cuz I only work two days a week. It's not that we lost contact, but I'm more
pissed at her and her brothers for following the wrong crowd. BUT here is where I sort of contradict myself. I work at a pathology office with 10 rich-a$$ docs. They look down at you and don't care much for you as long as you get their work done. But i guess that like anywhere else in corporate america. anyways, i know their logic is "i busted my butt through college and med school, and look at me now. why should i care about you?" I hate to think that way, but maybe this is that time with the roles reverse.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

<< What kind of help, just being supportive? People can still change, perhaps the divorce and lifestyle was more difficult for them than you know. Hope things do work out for you! >>



Divorce definately hurt their family. They were good kids in high school. I would help them with their work and stuff. Now, the two
boys are drinking and smoking weed and no longer in school. The girl is 7 months pregnant with the guy no where in sight.

 

[Modeps]

We 'disowned' my dad's sister. She was a hellab!tch when my grandmother (her mother) died. She thought that she deserved much more money and posessions than she was alotted in the will (she moved to canada, while my dad stayed in the same town, always helping out my gram)... so, long story short, she came down for the funeral, grabbed a whole buncha stuff from the house, got a lawyer, contested the will, and never showed up at the hearing... we havn't heard from her since, but that dosen't help here.

My advice? If you want to help, go for it... but it sounds to me like you dont want to... so just say 'sorry, but i cant help you'.

 

[ravanux]

<< Good deeds do not often go unrewarded. >>


But don't do a good deed simply for the reward.

 

[killface]

Just because they started following the wrong crowd, doesnt mean you shouldnt help them. That' s a pretty narrow and selfish view of things. Kids deal with divorce in alot of different ways. I have yet to mean a kid who comes from a broken home who does not have serious issues.

 

[crystal]

Just help her out. Maybe with this little help, it might change her life around. About her past? ...water under the bridge... look forward, not backward when you go through life.

 

[wyvrn]

People change as they get older. I was close to my bro when we were young, but we have distanced because of our views. He is staunchly religious and I am not, main reason. And his wife likes to alienate our side of the family when she gets the chance. But he is still cool and we can depend on each other, just don't see each other as much as we used to.

My wife's family: I was worried about her parents, feared them slightly. They seemed overbearing at first. I always got along with her siblings and cousins in high school though. Fast forward to today, several years later. I get along fabulously with her parents, trust them and we respect each other. Her siblings and cousins are back stabbing mutants now though

 

[pulse8]

At least for me, there are certain people that no matter how they may have treated me in the past, I'd always help them if they truly needed it.

 

[eakers]

quite frankly i think you are a dick for not wanting to help her when she needs it.
why would you disown someone that has never hurt you or done soemthing bad to you?

just because the choices she made were bad it doesnt mean that she doesnt have the opportunity to make better ones.

*kat. <-- this thread angers her.

 

[IGBT]

Shure...if they were crack smokin, wife/girlfriend beatin rappers, I'd flush em in a heart beat.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

<< quite frankly i think you are a dick for not wanting to help her when she needs it.
why would you disown someone that has never hurt you or done soemthing bad to you?

just because the choices she made were bad it doesnt mean that she doesnt have the opportunity to make better ones.

*kat. <-- this thread angers her. >>



it's not that she hurt me or anything, but i remember specifically when my parents along with her parents told her and her
brothers and sisters to stay in school and not join the wrong crowd. they were very supportive yet they chose to hang out
with the wrong crowd. im sorry but i worked too hard, and why should i bend over for someone who wants to live life the
easy way out and live off the system? there's always school, yet they gave up on it becuz they were too lazy to wake up early
and attend classes.

i would prefer helping those who i know have worked their a$$es off, but yet seem to have a hard time to make ends meet
than someone who just decided to sit at home and have fun playing video games all day. and besides, when you smoke weed
and drink all day when you're only 19, that doesnt sit well with me.

 

[BruinEd03]

You may think you've busted your a$$, but keep in mind that you have both your parents, and that's a luxury they didn't have. Sad as it may be divorce affects children TREMENDOUSLY.

Also keep in mind help doesn't just come in terms of monetary/financial support. It can also come in babysitting for her child once in a while, helping her to find a job, getting her back in school, etc. etc. That's not to say you just take care of the child completely or let her walk all over you. This is to say that support her by helping her get her life back on track. This is your family you're talking about. While the relationships may not be immediate, I'd say cousins still have a fairly strong bond to each other. And no, you don't have to get sucked into their divorce/family thing, but you can still remain supportive while being impartial.

Bottom line: help her out, if you don't, who will?

-Ed

 

[eakers]

<<

<< quite frankly i think you are a dick for not wanting to help her when she needs it.
why would you disown someone that has never hurt you or done soemthing bad to you?

just because the choices she made were bad it doesnt mean that she doesnt have the opportunity to make better ones.

*kat. <-- this thread angers her. >>



it's not that she hurt me or anything, but i remember specifically when my parents along with her parents told her and her
brothers and sisters to stay in school and not join the wrong crowd. they were very supportive yet they chose to hang out
with the wrong crowd. im sorry but i worked too hard, and why should i bend over for someone who wants to live life the
easy way out and live off the system? there's always school, yet they gave up on it becuz they were too lazy to wake up early
and attend classes.

i would prefer helping those who i know have worked their a$$es off, but yet seem to have a hard time to make ends meet
than someone who just decided to sit at home and have fun playing video games all day. and besides, when you smoke weed
and drink all day when you're only 19, that doesnt sit well with me. >>


wow. you are a dick.
she did make bad choices, and maybe she didnt realise the concequences of these actions OR maybe her parents divorce hit her really hard and screwed her up.

but hey, its your family, you must be better than them cuz i mean, you work hard.

anyways, i dont think you will help her without resenting her so yeah, disown her.

*kat. <-- really angry you wouldnt help out YOUR OWN DAMN COUSIN when she really needs it.

 

[Beau]

A true friend would look beyond their past choices and help them to correct the ones they haven't made yet. You need to be a bigger person and let go of your own feelings. Rafiki was right in say that it's in the past, so it doesn't matter anymore. This may be the turning point in her life, and you may be the person to help her overcome the mistakes she made in the past.

 

[Ionizer86]

I'd say that you can at least send her a card or phone her...or visit her if she's nearby. Give her some encouraging words. Maybe she needs somebody to confide in.

 

[djheater]

Blood is thicker than water. Anyone in my family no matter how distantly related can always call me for help, I'll drop whatever it is I'm doing and help them. Not to do so is incorrect action, not to mention egocentric. They're your family, in the end that's all you've got. Maybe it's 'cause we're hillbillies and we're kind of clannish.

 

[Swag1138]

My cousin, with whom I used to be best friends, well, I wouldnt spit on him if he were on fire.

His parents went through a divorce, he practically lived at another guys house for a year doign drugs, and whatnot, turned into a lazy bum, and doesnt have any prospects for the futre beyond what hes gonna drink in an hour.

I also have survived a divorce. I finished high-school, went to community college, moved to CT to do something (though that didnt turn out well) moved back to NC, and am now going to school again.


I have no respect for people who use a past trauma (unless its something like rape or a beating) as an excuse for their life. I mean, yeah, when my dad left, it messed with me, but I fought to keep those effects down, so I can have a decent life and not end up like my peice of crap that I call father. My cousin decided to be a lazy bum, in almost the same circumstances.


And before you say I dont know how it would affect him....I grew up with him for the first 15 years of our lives. I know how just about anything will affect him. I also know that he is too good to be where he is right now, but he chose to be there.

so, I understand how you feel about your cousins man. I doubt I would feel compelled to help them either.

[edit to clarify a little] My dad left us twice. Mom accepted him back the first time because we were children and needed a "father figure" or whatever. I defended my dad to the end the first time he left (But then, I was 10). When he left again, he crushed whatever respect I had in him. My mom then married a man who beat her. She was smart and left quick, but hes still trying to get her back. With this kind of background, going by the trauma theory, you would think that I would be worse off than my cousin, but no, Im trying to make something of my life. Im sorry if I feel strongly about this, but thats the way I feel.[/edit]

 

[sciencetoy]

You don't have to disown your cousin, but you don't have to help either. Maybe she needs help, but maybe she's trying to find someone to get her out of a mess that she could have avoided pretty easily, to be honest. WTF is she doing sleeping with a married man in the first place, and why didn't she do something back when it was easy to get rid of? If she chooses to go this route, let her pay the price herself. She'll be prouder of herself when she succeeds.

You may not be doing her any favors by "helping".

I don't mean to sound harsh, but some people get themselves into situations and expect others to bail them out.

You might want to consider getting together with her to talk, and maybe you'll be closer to figuring out what kind of "help" would really be best for her.

You sound properly suspicious and ticked off, and it sounds like someone is playing your guilt button pretty successfully. The first step here is making contact with your relatives and finding out if you really want to get to know them better. Only then can you decide what the proper course is for helping out.

Lots of people live through divorces perfectly well, and lots of people are really screwed up while living with both parents. Don't let excuses bring you down. Congrats, you sound like you're taking pretty good care of yourself. Don't feel bad for it!

 

[djheater]

Reading your other posts your point of view regarding your family seems European or Asian. It is typical of immigrant families to respect hard work in others and require it of thier own family. Your comments regarding your cousins seem conflicted. You desire to help her and share love and companionship with a member of your family yet you resent her choices, choices you did not make.

The tone of your comments specifically regarding your resentments sounds like your parents voices coming through. Remember this woman needs help, she is not you. Your choice to help a person in need does not condone thier actions. Help a person when they ask, you don't need to get all tied up in the moral implications. I'm certain your compassion will lead you to the right decision.