Would you disown your relatives

[AreaCode707]

My advice would be to help her out, maybe it'll help her turn her life around now that she realizes you guys were right all along. But careful you don't get used by someone who has no intention of changing. Offer to help her help herself. Whatever kind of help you offer her, don't be mad at her for her stupid choices, which have already punished her sufficiently it seems. Setting yourself up as her judge - "her own stupid fault, let her suffer" - is a bad position to take. Be merciful.

 

[soccerbud34]

Personally i would help her....

Don't kick somoene down further when they are already laying on the ground.

*Edit* It all depends on your cousin though. Do you feel she is still a good person despite the mistake she made? If yes, definitely help her. However, if no, i would think twice about it.

 

[linuxboy]

Be merciful.

Lots of help right there. I'll spare all the sermon-y crap and tell you this: family is blood. In this twisted system of a society we call the West, family is nearly all you have. If you think yourself somehow morally superior due to some arcane notion of righteousness, then reconsider it. When you desert those who should mean more to you in favor of some outcome due to perceived malfeasance, who will comfort you should you fall down or otherwise encounter a bad spell. Support systems need to exist and the family is it for most of us. Don't desert them, but do try to help by first understanding yourself and then the world around you.


Cheers !

 

[Deleted member 4644]

Be merciful, but dont let it ruin your life. Since they are really part of your family, I do think you should try to help them, but at the same time I know that I dont have a super big bond with my cousins either. In fact, I have a lot of friends I care more for than my cousins. Still, there is something about "family bonds".

Help them, but again, if you notice it affecting you life negatively, be it emotional, financial, or otherwise, get out

 

[oLLie]

Hmmm.... I think it's perfectly understandable that you don't feel like helping them.
That said, it would be a really great thing if you could actually make a difference in their lives.
You listed off the stuff that they have problems with, maybe you can help them stop the bad stuff (drugs, drinking).
I think it'd be really crazy (good kind of crazy) if you were the turning point in their lives.
Think about it. If you still don't want to help them then I guess it's still understandable, though.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

<< My cousin, with whom I used to be best friends, well, I wouldnt spit on him if he were on fire.

His parents went through a divorce, he practically lived at another guys house for a year doign drugs, and whatnot, turned into a lazy bum, and doesnt have any prospects for the futre beyond what hes gonna drink in an hour. >>



Yea exactly!!! A lot of folks go through a divorce or something worse, and many folks bounce back up. There is no damn excuse for them. Like I said earlier, they were leaning towards the other side where drugs and gambling or even murder takes place. I've heard of stories where the two guys were already locked up and they're not even 20 years old!!!



<< I have no respect for people who use a past trauma (unless its something like rape or a beating) as an excuse for their life. I mean, yeah, when my dad left, it messed with me, but I fought to keep those effects down, so I can have a decent life and not end up like my peice of crap that I call father. My cousin decided to be a lazy bum, in almost the same circumstances. >>



Right, I have no respect for them. My neighbor is 21 and he's got two kids. He should've learned and he was a promising young man. Now he's fathering another baby and struggling to make ends meet. Should I feel sorry for him also?!?!?! I know what you mean man, it's tough but you gotta move on!



<<
[edit to clarify a little] My dad left us twice. Mom accepted him back the first time because we were children and needed a "father figure" or whatever. I defended my dad to the end the first time he left (But then, I was 10). When he left again, he crushed whatever respect I had in him. My mom then married a man who beat her. She was smart and left quick, but hes still trying to get her back. With this kind of background, going by the trauma theory, you would think that I would be worse off than my cousin, but no, Im trying to make something of my life. Im sorry if I feel strongly about this, but thats the way I feel.[/edit] >>



I feel for ya man! I'm also trying to make something of my life. Of the folks I knew since grade school, I believe I am the ONLY one who's still in school. My former friends are out of school married or working under the table or something busting their a$$es off at some f**ked job.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

<< Reading your other posts your point of view regarding your family seems European or Asian. It is typical of immigrant families to respect hard work in others and require it of thier own family. Your comments regarding your cousins seem conflicted. You desire to help her and share love and companionship with a member of your family yet you resent her choices, choices you did not make. >>



Yea, we're asians all right. i cant be mad over decisions other folks make. But what really gets me is that they had a chance, and now they want an easy way out. Why should i help when im struggling to make it through school financially? I'm trying to do something with my life, and i know it will pay off in the end.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

<< wow. you are a dick.
she did make bad choices, and maybe she didnt realise the concequences of these actions OR maybe her parents divorce hit her really hard and screwed her up. >>



Oh please...spare me the lecture. Would you say the same thing to someone who took up drinking or drugs?

"geez, i think im going to smoke some crack. i wonder what will happen to me a year from now. i think i'll be all right."
They KNEW damn well what they were getting themselves into. Why should any of us feel sorry for them?



<< but hey, its your family, you must be better than them cuz i mean, you work hard. >>



Maybe I am better than them, but I never would say something like that to characterize myself against somenoe else.



<< *kat. <-- really angry you wouldnt help out YOUR OWN DAMN COUSIN when she really needs it. >>



Gosh, I wish I was your cousin. I think I'll take up smoking and doing drugs, and call ya later when i need some quick cash!
How would you like that huh? Come on, I'm only smoking crack. I know ppl get into some serious sh*t when they start doing
drugs, but I'll be ok. Seriously now, I will be ok and nothing will happen to me.

 

[kt]

If your cousin is determined to get her life back together, I think you should at least give her a hand. Give it a try and see if she is trying. If not, then there's no point in helping her. You are a good person to give her a second chance. Since you are asking for advice here, it shows you actually are somewhat "willing" to help her but just need a little nudge in the right direction. Like I said, the best thing to do is give her a push in the right direction. I have been in somewhat similar situation like yours. I have a cousin that simple hangs with the wrong crowd. She dropped out of school, started doing drugs, and almost got pregnant. Basically, her parents already gave up on her. Well, one day I got a call from her (I rarely speak with her) and told me that she may be pregnant. It kinda shock me since 1. we rarely speak with each other, 2. she coming to me for help. I could see how desparate she must be just because she came to me for help since we rarely know each other. Anyway, bringing the long story short, I brought her to a doctor and finds she's not pregnant after all. That was a relief. This all happens when she was only 15 years old. Her parents basically doesn't want to do anything with her, so she pretty much on her own. For about a year, she lived with me and while going back to school. Now she's living with her parents again while continuing her schooling. It's possible to turn someone around, but they can't do it themselves. Just give your cousin a chance.. it's not going to have a big impact on you, but it just may be for her.

 

[jjones]

disown the useless POS since you don't care for her anyway. why bother asking?

 

[Sir Fredrick]

Is she doing drugs? No? Then that's irrelevant. If you help someone who's doing drugs, you're enabling them.

If you help someone who made a few bad decisions but is trying to get their life back together, then you really are helping them. I mean, it seems like she chose to have the baby anyway, that takes a lot. It's going to affect the rest of her life. Since her brothers are screw ups too, it seems to run in the family. I would help her out, it would do her a lot of good to be around someone who's not like her family, she could possibly see how much you've achieved and strive for that. You could offer her advice on how to do better.
I would not condemn her for what has happened to her. If you help her out a few times and she's ingrateful and seems to just be using you then go ahead and stop talking to her, that's fine, but at least give her a chance man.
I don't care if you busted your butt to get where you are, so did I. In fact I'm STILL busting my butt, you seem to be taking it pretty easy with your work schedule. You have the time to help her and won't do it...I don't have the time (full time student, ful time programmer), and I'd still help her out.

 

[EngenZerO]

been disowned by basicaly everyone on my mom's and dad's side of the family...i realy dont care either...I figure I can by me more xmas presents for my self, ahhh, gotta love selfishness

ez


...edit reason why I was disowned...parents had me @ a young age

 

[KingHam]

What exactly is it that she wants? Money?

KingHam

 

[Perknose]

lilcam, I see both sides of your story, but something in the way you present yourself and your situation stirs up eakers like anger in me towards you. As I think about the why of this, the most I can come up with is that you come accross as prissy and cold and judgemental and uncaring.

Yet, in my own heart, I sense that that's not the whole story. As I read further, I came to feel your own vulnerability in your own situation -- that you're just trying to hang on and make it your own damn self. OK, so maybe you have no margin for mercy, due to your own struggle.

I guess my anger towards you stems from the fact that you turn to us and seem to expect us to affirm your own uncaring attitude. Like you seem to expect us to say, "Hey, lilcam, that's ok, you're a good guy."

Well, I just can't give you this. I just can't say you're a good guy for turning your back on family. Maybe you're just another hurting pup trying to get by as best you can, but you're not a good guy, lilcam, not in my book, and I resent you're coming to us here for that sort of validation.

 

[jshrieve]

She's coming to you for help. You have a chance here to really make a difference in someone's life.
If she was sincere in trying to turn her life around, would you want to be the person who could have given her that chance, but refused to because "you worked hard, and she made mistakes" ?

Everyone makes mistakes. People deserve second chances.

Help her. That doesn't mean you have to commit to helping her forever. If it becomes clear she's just using you, then you can drop her. But she may really be trying to turn things around and heck, may just need some emotional support. Someone who will forgive her for what mistakes she has made.

If you refuse to help her, you'll be saying a lot about yourself, and you'll never know whether or not she was sincere. If you do help her, the worst case is that you tried to the right thing but it didn't work and she's back out of your life. Best case? You turn help change her life for the better. You help change that child's life for the better. And you gain some family and friendship.

Isn't it worth a try? Can you live with yourself down the road, when you realize that the extra little money you have because you "worked hard" doesn't really matter in the end, but your family does? And knowing that you refused someone who asked for help, without ever even giving them a second CHANCE?

I think your conscience is telling you to do the right thing, but you're looking for justification or reassurance from us to do the easier, emotionally safer, wrong thing.

 

[yllus]

A lot of people say they'll be there for their family no matter what right up until they realize that when they're needed, it's annoying and distracting enough from their own comfortable routine that they try to slink their way out of it. Having a HUGE extended family and being the only ones in the clan in Canada (the rest are overseas), my family gets called up to be taken for a ride by some aspiring cousin or another every once in a while. They come over, live in our house, let us ferry them around (in between classes and work, and of course on our budget) and basically live the high life. It taught me the rules when dealing with family very quickly, and they go something like this.

1. Do NOT offer to be there/do anything needed any time you're needed. Outline that you are indeed family and you will do what you can, but there's things in your life you need to take care of before you can be taking care of anyone else. That's just reality.
2. If any loans are given out, especially large ones, have it put in writing. And if there's any conditions you'd like them to follow before the amount is lent, spell it out loud and clear (no drinking, no drugs, get a job ASAP, go back to school, etc.). Yes, by giving a family member money and expecting it back, you can put any condition on their life that you want, else no deal. Sounds harsh but that's not your problem...
3. Try not to be too critical and comparative, and tell them you love them early and often. Don't lie and say things will be all right, say the truth about their situation.

Good luck, and some of us understand where you're coming from. In the end, I think you should grit and then ungrit your teeth, and go help out where you can. What she did to mess up is now in the past, see what you can do to help her from where she is now.

 

[TallBill]

what you described is not disowning...

 

[AaronP]

I disowned my dog after she got into a bag of snickers. She still lives with me, but I ignore her.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

<< lilcam, I see both sides of your story, but something in the way you present yourself and your situation stirs up eakers like anger in me towards you. As I think about the why of this, the most I can come up with is that you come accross as prissy and cold and judgemental and uncaring. >>



uncaring huh? im 21 and my family is quite stable. however, my mom is kinda whack, which i wont get into, but do you know i work FT and attend school FT to make ends meet? I dont ask my parents for money nor do they support me with my schooling. I pay my own tuition, buy my own clothes and do sh*t on my own. i basically learned sh*t on my own when my parents should've been there to lend me a hand. on top of that i am paying for my bro's tuition!!! uncaring huh? i guess i dont care when it comes to my bro not attending school cuz my mom wont pay for him, and at the age of 21 when i should be out partying with my friends, i am working during the day and going to school @ night while you're probably sitting at home chilling. my day doesnt end until late at night before i turn in for the next day. granted i know i have it easy in some ways compared to some other kids who are living on their own and stuff, but i consider myself lucky for not steering into a different path that leads into violence and drugs.



<< Yet, in my own heart, I sense that that's not the whole story. As I read further, I came to feel your own vulnerability in your own situation -- that you're just trying to hang on and make it your own damn self. OK, so maybe you have no margin for mercy, due to your own struggle. >>



yea im struggling, but im not poor or anything. i do have to worry about how i am going to pay for my books this coming semester or how the heck i am going to find 4 grand for my bro's tuition.



<< I guess my anger towards you stems from the fact that you turn to us and seem to expect us to affirm your own uncaring attitude. Like you seem to expect us to say, "Hey, lilcam, that's ok, you're a good guy." >>




i really dont care what ppl say about me. you have to understand where im coming from in order to understand and appreciate who i am. i appreciate those who have replied and given me advice, and i also appreciate those with the harsh comments, but hey you're free to say whatever you want. no hard feelings there. it's rough doing what i do and i get plenty of compliments from my co-workers. it's not everyday you find someone as young as i am doing what i do for myself along with my bro.



<< Well, I just can't give you this. I just can't say you're a good guy for turning your back on family. Maybe you're just another hurting pup trying to get by as best you can, but you're not a good guy, lilcam, not in my book, and I resent you're coming to us here for that sort of validation. >>



see above...