Writing my first song...

[Lummex]

Okay, I'm kind of proud of these lyrics. But maybe I'm just really tired and they actually suck. You can tell me if you think it sucks and make fun of it if you want, I won't be offended. However, I'd prefer some constructive criticism or simply letting me know that you like it (if you do). Oh yeah, I really hate the line in there that says "Life can be so sweet". Way too corny for me, so help me change it. I also don't really like the end. Okay maybe I'm not as proud of it as I thought. I am tired and rambling too much. Anyway, here goes:


I guess I should have told you
I guess you didn't know
That the long dirt road with broken glass
Would never lead you home

Now you're at my doorstep
With calloused toes and bloody feet
And I wish someone had told you
That life can be so sweet

Oh, my girl
My beautiful girl
I will douse your feet in water
I will warm your weary bones
I will kiss the tear trails on your cheeks
And laugh with you again
Then I'll set you on your feet
And send you out the door
I'll point in her direction,
But I cannot lead you home

You told me how you hate her
How her heart is made of stone
You say "I do not love her"
As your calluses crack

Then you fall back into my arms
And beg to be led back
But you know where I will point to
And you know you won't go back...
To your home

Oh, my girl
My beautiful girl
I will douse your feet in water
I will warm your weary bones
I will kiss the tear trails on your cheeks
And laugh with you again
Then I'll set you on your feet
And send you out the door
I'll point in her direction,
But I will not lead you home

I know I should have told you
That your heart, it is her own
And I should have told you,
She's the only one who knows what's in your soul

I could have said "When you lose the way
And feel life cavin' in,
She will hold you close and make it all okay"
Yeah, I should have told you,
But would you have listened, anyway?

Oh, my darling girl
I point in her direction when you arrive on my street
Will you ever make it home?

 

[Newbian]

tl;dr

Make a youtube video of you singing it.

 

[GodlessAstronomer]

To be honest I like it. And I'd be the first to tell you it's lame if that were the case. It's a bit cheesy in parts but over all, not bad.

But I'm really not an expert, either.

 

[Lummex]

Originally posted by: Newbian
tl;dr

Make a youtube video of you singing it.

The music to it is way too rough to do that yet.

 

[olds]

I guess I should have told you
I guess you didn't know
That the long dirt road lined with broken hearts
Would never lead you home

But you were on a mission
And I was going fishing
So your direction I would steer

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

 

[DangerAardvark]

Less songs about losing lovers and more songs about monkeys IMO.

 

[TestedAcorn]

It's kind of a cliche country song.

 

[rikadik]

This this a country song about foot fetishes?

 

[dwell]

It's okay. A little too literal for my tastes. I try to write lyrics that can leave interpretation to the listener and you're almost there but not quite.

 

[DangerAardvark]

Originally posted by: TestedAcorn
It's kind of a cliche country song.

Just needs some steel guitar.

 

[olds]

:music:
Well, it was all that I could do to keep from cryin'
Sometimes it seems so useless to remain
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.

Well, you don't have to call me Waylon Jennings
And you don't have to call me Charley Pride.
And you don't have to call me Merle Haggard, anymore.
Even though your on my fightin' side.

And I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain.
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.

Well, I've heard my name a few times in your phone book
And I've seen it on signs where I've played But the only time I know I'll hear David Allan Coe
Is when Jesus has his final judgement day.

So I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain.
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.

Well, a friend of mine named Steve Goodman wrote that song
And he told me it was the perfect country-western song
I wrote him back a letter and told him it was NOT the perfect country-western song because he hadn't said anything at all about
mama, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or gettin' drunk.
Well, he sat down and wrote another verse to the song and he sent it to me
And after reading it, I realized that my friend had written the perfect country-western song.
And I felt obliged to include it on this album. The last verse goes like this here:

Well, I was drunk the day my Mom got outta prison.
And I went to pick her up in the rain.
But, before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned old train.

And I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain. No,
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me
Well, I wonder why you don't call me
Why don't you ever call me by my name?

 

[Lummex]

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
I guess I should have told you
I guess you didn't know
That the long dirt road lined with broken hearts
Would never lead you home

But you were on a mission
And I was going fishing
So your direction I would steer

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Hahahaha

Originally posted by: DangerAardvark
Less songs about losing lovers and more songs about monkeys IMO.

It's not about losing a lover. And it may or may not be about a monkey who is very special to me. I shall never reveal the real meaning...

 

[hiromizu]

where da beats at yo

 

[leftyman]

mmmbop?

 

[nakedfrog]

Originally posted by: DangerAardvark
Less songs about losing lovers and more songs about monkeys IMO.

Everybody's got something to hide

(except for me and my monkey)

 

[zinfamous]

I see that single going "Myrrh" in no-time flat.

 

[Q]

I like the lyrics but to me it needs a stanza that is repeated / is the chorus

 

[KeithTalent]

Originally posted by: zinfamous
I see that single going "Myrrh" in no-time flat.

Haha :thumbsup:

KT

 

[CPA]

As your calluses crack

ewwwwww.........

 

[Platypus]

not my bag lyrically but props for having the balls to share it with everyone else.

it takes a lot of guts to share something personal like music with the rest of the world, especially in its early stages.

 

[benzylic]

ask Harvey for pointers...

 

[nakedfrog]

Originally posted by: Platypus
not my bag lyrically but props for having the balls to share it with everyone else.

it takes a lot of guts to share something personal like music with the rest of the world, especially in its early stages.

Maybe that's why some of us stick with three chord punk songs with nonsensical lyrics

 

[James Bond]

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
I guess I should have told you
I guess you didn't know
That the long dirt road lined with broken hearts
Would never lead you home

But you were on a mission
And I was going fishing
So your direction I would steer

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Haha.... Win.

 

[Perknose]

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
:music:
Well, it was all that I could do to keep from cryin'
Sometimes it seems so useless to remain
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.

Well, you don't have to call me Waylon Jennings
And you don't have to call me Charley Pride.
And you don't have to call me Merle Haggard, anymore.
Even though your on my fightin' side.

And I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain.
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.

Well, I've heard my name a few times in your phone book
And I've seen it on signs where I've played But the only time I know I'll hear David Allan Coe
Is when Jesus has his final judgement day.

So I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain.
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.

Well, a friend of mine named Steve Goodman wrote that song
And he told me it was the perfect country-western song
I wrote him back a letter and told him it was NOT the perfect country-western song because he hadn't said anything at all about
mama, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or gettin' drunk.
Well, he sat down and wrote another verse to the song and he sent it to me
And after reading it, I realized that my friend had written the perfect country-western song.
And I felt obliged to include it on this album. The last verse goes like this here:

Well, I was drunk the day my Mom got outta prison.
And I went to pick her up in the rain.
But, before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned old train.

And I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain. No,
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me
Well, I wonder why you don't call me
Why don't you ever call me by my name?

Don't mind me, I'm in a mood and just can't let this passing mention to a personal hero go by unremarked upon.

NONE of you probably even know who the hell Steve Goodman is, but, yeah, he DID write that song, and the additional verses, and, let me just say, David Allen Coe was damn privileged to have been a friend of his.

Steve Goodman not only wrote "the best damn country song ever", he wrote "the best damn train song ever" City Of New Orleans. :music: "Good mornin' America, how are you! Don't you know, I'm your native son." :music:

And though he died in 1984 from leukemia, his voice is STILL heard at each and every Cubs game, because he wrote and sang their official song "Go, Cubs, Go!, not to mention, even as he was dying, the absolutely hilarious A Dying Cubs Fan's Last Request.

He was Chicago born and bred, just like my late wife Jessie. We loved his music, as well as that of his good friend and fellow Chicagoan John Prine.

Steve Goodman could also be dead serious, and it was parts of his song My Old Man that I chose to (attempt) to sing at my father's funeral.

If that song doesn't move you, you ain't got soul.

Ok, that's it, rant's over, please return to your personal calvalcade of mediocrity, and thanks for your time.

 

[Fritzo]

I've seen a lot worse. You have flow, it tells a story, not bad. Needs some polishing. There's a thing called a "songwriters thesaurus" that has more elegant alternate words. I used to use it all the time. It really helps.