YAGT: at what point does not being willing to do something/get involved with something become immaturity

[BigToque]

This is in reference to my last thread.

There is a festival coming up that all my friends and all my ex-gf's friends are going to. Big group of people and we all get along.

The ex-gf's has invited her new ex-bf (the bf she had after me and them broke up with). Nobody has ever liked this guy, including me. He has threatened me and he was dating the girl I still had feelings for.

She phoned me last night saying she was angry that her friends were angry at her because she invited this guy and that they weren't going to the festival because of it. She also said that one of her friends said that I wasn't going because the guy was showing up (which wasn't true, I'm still going regardless).

Now one part of me says that if nobody likes the guy (and have good reasons for it), what is wrong with saying "I/we choose to not to associate with you or this guy because I/we don't like him or the situation". The other part of me says, the mature thing to do is to just be friendly to all involved, and just hope that eventually she just stops hanging out with the guy. Unfortunately, by doing that, it's almost like supporting her hanging out with the guy and reinforcement for bringing him around (hey, everyone's being nice, so it's fine to bring him again).

So the question... at what point does not being willing to do something/get involved with something become immaturity?


update

What ended up happening was that I went to the festival and had an absolute blast. I got along with everyone and didn't pay any attention to the guy that nobody liked. He made an ass of himself and that was the night. As far as I know, my friend doesn't talk to the guy anymore.

 

[sixone]

It's a free country - you're under no obligation to associate with him in any way. If you're willing to accept him in order to see her, you can do that, too. Nothing immature about that.

I'd say it's definitely MORE mature to avoid situations that have the potential to turn ugly, but that's just me.

 

[polm]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to see your Ex-GF. Especially if she's with another dude. It's not immature, it's totally normal.

I can appreciate the complications of mutual friends. I'm dealing with it these days myself. Just do what feels comfortable, and if that means avoiding your Ex-GF then by all means avoid her.

 

[MmmSkyscraper]

If it was just you, maybe you could be accused of needing to get over it. As everyone thinks the guy is a tool, no worries.

 

[theknight571]

I would say that there's nothing wrong with not going. If this one person will ruin the entire trip/event/etc. then why bother going at all?

There are situations where I'd say suck it up and go, but a festival, to me, isn't one of them.

 

[shortylickens]

Real maturity means calling it quits when you've had enough.
Only fools and cowards hang on for dear life after the party's over.

 

[IceBergSLiM]

Everyone should just go out of their way to make him feel unwelcome. You know how to do this I'm sure, using both overt and subtle insults. Bring his past douchebaggery up in conversation. Just in general throwing him under the bus as often as possible. He will end up leaving on his own or crying.

 

[Aikouka]

I'd say that she's sort of at fault for inviting someone to an event where everyone who's already planned on going does not enjoy the new invitee's (i.e. ex-bf) company.

I have a somewhat similar situation going on, but it's with a friend and his wife and the fact that no one trusts his wife after an incident involving another friend, my brother, the first friend's wife and his ex-gf (she was his girlfriend at the time). I feel bad about it, because my friend hasn't changed at all, but no one wants to associate with him because of his wife. I'm pretty much the only person out of the group of friends that has no problem with anyone .

Oh but anyway, you'd be perfectly legit to not go. You've had troubled times and I know I wouldn't want to be around that guy. One glance at you hugging the ex-gf would probably get the caveman all riled up.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Aikouka
I'd say that she's sort of at fault for inviting someone to an event where everyone who's already planned on going does not enjoy the new invitee's (i.e. ex-bf) company.

Yeah, what's up with that? Does she think she can wave her magic wand and make the past not matter? Some friend...

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: IcebergSlim
Everyone should just go out of their way to make him feel unwelcome. You know how to do this I'm sure, using both overt and subtle insults. Bring his past douchebaggery up in conversation. Just in general throwing him under the bus as often as possible. He will end up leaving on his own or crying.

See, that's what all my friends want to do. They don't like him because he was threatening me.

I'd rather just be respectful and not start anything. I'm just curious to know if I'm being immature if I decide to not hang out with her because he's going to be there rather than going and being friendly to her and him.

As I said, I'm not the only one who doesn't like the guy, but it also seems like I'm the only one not giving her a hard time by saying things like "I'm not going if he shows up".

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: BigToque

Originally posted by: IcebergSlim
Everyone should just go out of their way to make him feel unwelcome. You know how to do this I'm sure, using both overt and subtle insults. Bring his past douchebaggery up in conversation. Just in general throwing him under the bus as often as possible. He will end up leaving on his own or crying.

See, that's what all my friends want to do. They don't like him because he was threatening me.

I'd rather just be respectful and not start anything. I'm just curious to know if I'm being immature if I decide to not hang out with her because he's going to be there rather than going and being friendly to her and him.

As I said, I'm not the only one who doesn't like the guy, but it also seems like I'm the only one not giving her a hard time by saying things like "I'm not going if he shows up".

Your friends are just going to escalate things on your behalf. And who knows where that will end, if the dumbass has already made it clear that violence isn't out of the question?

You're right to stay out of it, but you need to be asking her what kind of friend she wants to be, bringing that jerk around again after how he acted before.

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: Aikouka
I'd say that she's sort of at fault for inviting someone to an event where everyone who's already planned on going does not enjoy the new invitee's (i.e. ex-bf) company.

Yeah, what's up with that? Does she think she can wave her magic wand and make the past not matter? Some friend...

I asked her about that. She just said it's her right to do so. I told her that it's also the right of her friends to say "We're not going if he's showing up".

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: BigToque

Originally posted by: IcebergSlim
Everyone should just go out of their way to make him feel unwelcome. You know how to do this I'm sure, using both overt and subtle insults. Bring his past douchebaggery up in conversation. Just in general throwing him under the bus as often as possible. He will end up leaving on his own or crying.

See, that's what all my friends want to do. They don't like him because he was threatening me.

I'd rather just be respectful and not start anything. I'm just curious to know if I'm being immature if I decide to not hang out with her because he's going to be there rather than going and being friendly to her and him.

As I said, I'm not the only one who doesn't like the guy, but it also seems like I'm the only one not giving her a hard time by saying things like "I'm not going if he shows up".

Your friends are just going to escalate things on your behalf. And who knows where that will end, if the dumbass has already made it clear that violence isn't out of the question?

You're right to stay out of it, but you need to be asking her what kind of friend she wants to be, bringing that jerk around again after how he acted before.

Nobody knows why she still hangs out with him or invites him to things. They're not dating (although it seems like one of those relationships where they've broken up like 5-6 times already). Hell, from what I've heard he doesn't treat her all that well either (though it is 2nd hand information from possibly biased sources).

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: BigToque
Nobody knows why she still hangs out with him or invites him to things. They're not dating (although it seems like one of those relationships where they've broken up like 5-6 times already). Hell, from what I've heard he doesn't treat her all that well either (though it is 2nd hand information from possibly biased sources).

Unfortunately, people tend to stay with what's familiar, even if it isn't healthy. Her choice, but it's gotta be tough to see her wasting herself like that.

Are you still planning to go to the festival?

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: BigToque
Nobody knows why she still hangs out with him or invites him to things. They're not dating (although it seems like one of those relationships where they've broken up like 5-6 times already). Hell, from what I've heard he doesn't treat her all that well either (though it is 2nd hand information from possibly biased sources).

Unfortunately, people tend to stay with what's familiar, even if it isn't healthy. Her choice, but it's gotta be tough to see her wasting herself like that.

Are you still planning to go to the festival?

Yes, I'm still going, and I've convinced her friends to go as well.

I don't like seeing her wasting her time with that guy (as a friend). I also don't like her spending time with the guy because I still want to be with her. Everyone knows how I feel, but I don't ever get involved though. If she ever wants to get back together that's her choice and I can't make it for her. I just want to be the best person I can, and for me that actually feels like I should be the "mature one" (if you can call it that) and just be nice to her, him and everyone else. It just feels like the right thing to do.

 

[Aikouka]

Originally posted by: BigToque
I don't like seeing her wasting her time with that guy (as a friend). I also don't like her spending time with the guy because I still want to be with her. Everyone knows how I feel, but I don't ever get involved though. If she ever wants to get back together that's her choice and I can't make it for her. I just want to be the best person I can, and for me that actually feels like I should be the "mature one" (if you can call it that) and just be nice to her, him and everyone else. It just feels like the right thing to do.

I'm curious... does she know you feel that way? Is it possible that you're both "waiting" on the other to act?

 

[sixone]

Let us know how it went, will you?

 

[dcr]

Well, if the current course isn't working, I say throw a heavy dose of violence in there.

If she wanted a mature, responsible adult, she would probably be going to the festival with you instead of him.

 

[AbsolutDealage]

Originally posted by: BigToque

Originally posted by: IcebergSlim
Everyone should just go out of their way to make him feel unwelcome. You know how to do this I'm sure, using both overt and subtle insults. Bring his past douchebaggery up in conversation. Just in general throwing him under the bus as often as possible. He will end up leaving on his own or crying.

See, that's what all my friends want to do. They don't like him because he was threatening me.

I'd rather just be respectful and not start anything. I'm just curious to know if I'm being immature if I decide to not hang out with her because he's going to be there rather than going and being friendly to her and him.

As I said, I'm not the only one who doesn't like the guy, but it also seems like I'm the only one not giving her a hard time by saying things like "I'm not going if he shows up".

I don't think that there is a maturity issue if you decide not to go. In fact, just because this guy seems a little caveman-smashy-smashy with you, it might be a good idea to not go.

If it were me, I would probably tell her that I'm not going because if this guy decides to start something you don't want there to be an incident and have it ruin the day for everyone.

You know that this guy is not going to just let sleeping dogs lie... he will try and get you to have a confrontation with him. If you do end up going to this thing, make sure that you don't let him get the better of you. Act like the bigger person, and that you don't care about what he says. Don't get in a shouting match with him, because it will bring you down to his level.

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: Aikouka

Originally posted by: BigToque
I don't like seeing her wasting her time with that guy (as a friend). I also don't like her spending time with the guy because I still want to be with her. Everyone knows how I feel, but I don't ever get involved though. If she ever wants to get back together that's her choice and I can't make it for her. I just want to be the best person I can, and for me that actually feels like I should be the "mature one" (if you can call it that) and just be nice to her, him and everyone else. It just feels like the right thing to do.

I'm curious... does she know you feel that way? Is it possible that you're both "waiting" on the other to act?

I'm pretty sure she knows. We broke up a year ago, and for the first few months I was always trying to get back together, and she didn't want it. We wouldn't see each other for a month, then see each other again and I'd tell her again, wouldn't see each other for a month, repeat. I haven't said anything to her in about 6 months. I've just kept to myself. We don't hang out and only speak every once and a while (every couple of weeks for a few minutes)

I just decided I wouldn't mention it anymore because nothing good comes from me saying "I still love you" when she's trying to have a relationship with someone else. She says she doesn't have feelings for me, although I doubt that's entirely true, based on how well we do get along when we actually do see each other.

I'm just a friend for now, and that's how I will act.

 

[sixone]

Too bad SHE's not acting like a friend. And I feel bad that that's good enough for you.

 

[BigToque]

Originally posted by: sixone
Too bad SHE's not acting like a friend. And I feel bad that that's good enough for you.

I think it's disrespectful for her to be associating with someone who treats one of her friends (me) the way that he does (even if it is just insecurity on his part). That said, I feel that I should always be the best person that I can, and to me that means being friendly to her and nice to him if he's around.

I could 'grow a pair' and just say "Who's your friend, him or me? It's your choice.", but that just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. A real friend wouldn't give someone an ultimatum, so I wouldn't put her in that position (even if she isn't really acting like a friend).

 

[spidey07]

Immaturity IMHO is exactly what is going on by every single person involved. The he said, she said BS. Plus, dear lord that much drama! It'd be perfrect for a highschool MTV show.

Maturity is not creating and avoiding that drama in the first place and making good decisions that doesn't lead to a bad outcome for yourself or others.

 

[Aikouka]

Originally posted by: spidey07
Immaturity IMHO is exactly what is going on by every single person involved. The he said, she said BS. Plus, dear lord that much drama! It'd be perfrect for a highschool MTV show.

Maturity is not creating and avoiding that drama in the first place and making good decisions that doesn't lead to a bad outcome for yourself or others.

How can they help it if the ex-girlfriend tries to pull in the guy that no one really wants around? Pretend to like him when he shows tendencies that they don't care for? It's easy to say one thing, but actually doing it? I know I've dealt with and been around people that I didn't care for in the least bit and it's not much fun being around them ( hey, you dislike them for a reason ).

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: BigToque

Originally posted by: sixone
Too bad SHE's not acting like a friend. And I feel bad that that's good enough for you.

I think it's disrespectful for her to be associating with someone who treats one of her friends (me) the way that he does (even if it is just insecurity on his part). That said, I feel that I should always be the best person that I can, and to me that means being friendly to her and nice to him if he's around.

I could 'grow a pair' and just say "Who's your friend, him or me? It's your choice.", but that just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. A real friend wouldn't give someone an ultimatum, so I wouldn't put her in that position (even if she isn't really acting like a friend).

Why should she respect you? You don't respect yourself, when you let her treat you like that. Giving her an ultimatum isn't required - making your own choices, in your own best interest, is.