YAGT: How will I make my relationship last through college?

[Siva]

Best of luck to you, but I don't think there's any easy way to make a relationship last through college. Maybe you'll invent a new trick. I had a girlfriend from home for awhile, I wasted a semester going home every other weekend for a relationship that wasn't so great in retrospect. Its a lot better to be single at college then have a girlfriend back home. In fact, its awesome to be single at college as freshman, that's the best time to go out, meet women, and aquaint yourself with a newfound sexual freedom that only exists at college.

Its time to be realistic with yourself. You're young and so is she. Long distance relationships almost always crumble at college. I am a sophmore, and very few of my friends who had boy/girlfriends from home last year (as freshman) are still dating the same people. I can only think of one, it would be two but I'm not gonna count the girl who always cheats on her boyfriend.

As for dependance, I feel like it is definately bad thing. You should be your own man with your own friends. Once you become dependant your social life outside of your significant other will take a dive and there's really no easy way to recover from that. Friends have to come before your girlfriend every now and then, you should be able to go out and have a good time without worrying about her.

 

[RbSX]

Originally posted by: KLin
You'll be broken up within a month.

Seconded, I dated a girl for a year and a half.. the second I went to university.. she got paranoid and cheated on me within a month and a half of leaving. If I were you, I'd break it off so that it won't end on a bitter note..

 

[rahvin]

Originally posted by: archcommus
Guys...don't get me wrong...I KNOW THE TEMPTATIONS THAT WILL FACE ME IN COLLEGE.

Of course I will be tempted to act on them. As much as I hate to say it, SHE will be tempted to act on them, too, once SHE goes to college NEXT fall.

The thing is, I know that if I cheated on her and ended it, I would be miserable thereafter, because she is such a major portion of my life and I can't picture functioning without her.

You are too young to know your dick from your heart. Sure there is some remote possibility that if you actually did someday end up in a more permanent relationship that it might work but you and her would always be wondering if there was someone else out there that you might have been better with. But she's a HS girl and she's going to dump you less than a month after you get to college anyway. You need other experiences and so does she and if after those experiences you two still want to give it a shot that's when you would actually have a chance at long term success otherwise you end up married young and 2 kids under your belt when you divorce her because you realise you can't stand her or she can't stand you 5 years down the road.

Let me put it this way, you have so many years ahead of you, you might want to get worried if you aren't in a long term relationship by the time you are 35 but anything much earlier than 25 and that relationship will be doomed to failure. So grow the fvck up and realize that you want to date a LOT of other people and experience a LOT of different things before you decide what you want.

 

[archcommus]

Well, when I say dependence, I don't mean dependent on her to get through the day, or to have a good time. I feel I'll be plenty fine on my own with my buddies at college. I mean dependent emotionally. I depend on her being there when something's going wrong, or when I have a problem, or just when no one else really cares. It's the best feeling in the world to have her there. How can there be anything wrong with THAT kind of dependency?

Like I said, I'm not trying to be superificial or unrealistic about this. I know that when I get there I will meet lots of hot girls that will not only be just that, hot, but also have great personalities. One thing I can say from the get-go, though: casual sex will not be an occurrence for me. For one, I'd prefer not to have meaningless sex (don't bash, just listen), and for two, it would be tough at the school I'm going to (Presbyterian school with rules). But of course, it's possible to cheat without having sex. So if I'm tempted to do something physical, and act on it, how is that one good experience worth losing all that I had with my girlfriend? The trust, companionship, the person to turn to when something's wrong, the list goes on.

Then, besides the PHYSICAL part of things, there is the part of actually getting to know the girls at school. Of course, if I grew to care for one of them more than I do for my girlfriend, I would not be able to stop myself from pursuing things with that other girl. But how can I meet someone that I desire more when my current girlfriend matches my dream girl to a T?

 

[archcommus]

Originally posted by: rahvin

Originally posted by: archcommus
Guys...don't get me wrong...I KNOW THE TEMPTATIONS THAT WILL FACE ME IN COLLEGE.

Of course I will be tempted to act on them. As much as I hate to say it, SHE will be tempted to act on them, too, once SHE goes to college NEXT fall.

The thing is, I know that if I cheated on her and ended it, I would be miserable thereafter, because she is such a major portion of my life and I can't picture functioning without her.

You are too young to know your dick from your heart. Sure there is some remote possibility that if you actually did someday end up in a more permanent relationship that it might work but you and her would always be wondering if there was someone else out there that you might have been better with. But she's a HS girl and she's going to dump you less than a month after you get to college anyway. You need other experiences and so does she and if after those experiences you two still want to give it a shot that's when you would actually have a chance at long term success otherwise you end up married young and 2 kids under your belt when you divorce her because you realise you can't stand her or she can't stand you 5 years down the road.

Let me put it this way, you have so many years ahead of you, you might want to get worried if you aren't in a long term relationship by the time you are 35 but anything much earlier than 25 and that relationship will be doomed to failure. So grow the fvck up and realize that you want to date a LOT of other people and experience a LOT of different things before you decide what you want.

What you say makes sense, though. How can I know if I have the perfect girl when I haven't really experienced any others? Good advice.

A couple things I disagree with, though. First, there is no way in hell she will dump me, there is absolutely nothing tempting to her at all in high school (in her own grade level and below). If either of us ends it, it will be me, and thus 10x sadder for her.

The other thing is, I really understand what you're saying about needing to experience a lot before settling down, but how do I make myself go out and date other people when they are really not more appealing than a girl I already have that I deem perfect? I have received advice similar to yours from so many other people but all of them come from relationships that had problems, so it was EASY for them to find someone else who was more appealing. I can't say that would be true for myself.

 

[Injury]

Originally posted by: archcommus

Originally posted by: Injury
First off, mark it with a "YAGT" tag. (If you aren't going to take it to yagt.org, at least do this.)

Second, get over it now. High School relationships are a bunch of BS 99% of the time.

If you are too much of a sissy to deal with that fact, come to the agreement that you two are still together, but while you are at college you are safe dating other people, so long as you don't fool around. Then when some perfect, matured, educated girl comes your way, you'll be happy.

College will change your life in only a matter of weeks. In those weeks, you do more maturing than you have done in the entire previous portion of your life. With that comes new thoughts about women. She will have the same thoughts about men. Best to end on a high note than to be bitter that one of you cheated on the other.

Well how do you identify a high school relationship that is in that 1%?

I won't argue with you about the maturity change in college; I will be experiencing that, she won't. But I don't see why we should cut it off when things are good. That's just not possible, as it's FORCING yourself to be miserable. Doesn't that mean we should just play it be ear and see what happen as we get to it?

That 1% is chronicled by not wondering how to make it work.

Playing it by ear works. But you should have an understanding that if you meet someone special at college, you want to be able to go on dates. You will be much more miserable if you are at college, she is at another college, a couple of hours between you, and only getting to see each other every other weekend. That's not a relationship, that's simply "getting to see each other every other weekend."

You think that you will make things miserable now if you break it off or put yourself in a position where you are together when you are together, but you will be more miserable if you break up when you are at college because you don't see each other, or break up after a stupid fight and can't go to see her to fix things up...

I'm not telling you that you don't love this girl or that she may not be the one for you. I'm not telling you that she's bad for you or that if will NEVER work out, but what I am saying is that at this point in your life, it's time to start asking yourself "Would I want to marry this girl? Would I want to grow old with her? Will I be happy with her, her bad habits, her attitude, her choices in life 5, 10, 20 years down the road?

Ultimately, you have to do what's best for you. But I'll tell you that most, if not all, relationships I've heard of where people go to different colleges have been one disaster after the next.

Make your own decision but just remember one thing: You have to do what is best for YOU and YOU alone. As cruel as it sounds, you can't let the idea of her getting hurt or you being miserable for a while play a factor in making a decision because that happens in EVERY relationship coming to an end.

 

[Injury]

Originally posted by: archcommus
The other thing is, I really understand what you're saying about needing to experience a lot before settling down, but how do I make myself go out and date other people when they are really not more appealing than a girl I already have that I deem perfect?

No girl is ever perfect. Every girl has their flaws, some major, some minor. Things work out because a relationship is a comprimise. Comparing one girl to another is not a legitmate means of judging the ability to have a relationship.

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: archcommus
First, there is no way in hell she will dump me, there is absolutely nothing tempting to her at all in high school (in her own grade level and below).

You underestimate the power of sexual chemistry, young padewan. If you're off in college and she meets a guy who has the right effect on her, you're ass out no matter how good the intentions of both of you. If it doesn't happen when she's still in high school, it WILL happen when she goes to college.

 

[Baked]

You'll be banging hot slutty sorority girls and dump this high school chick in no time once you're in college.

 

[thirtythree]

Good luck.

 

[MAME]

you're screwed, sorry dude

 

Move on with your life, try to get the threesome thing before you break it to her though.

 

[TallBill]

Originally posted by: KLin
You'll be broken up within a month.

I'd give it 3-4 to be officially broken up, but they'll be broken up in his head much sooner.

 

[alm4rr]

Originally posted by: randal
you won't. might as well dump her and hit everything you can that's on campus.

that's what everybody else does -- there is no place like college for tons of free, random, consensual sex.

 

[z0mb13]

do her first for old times sake!!

 

[archcommus]

Perhaps I should also ask of each poster in this thread what their age and current relationship status is now, I'm not sure what opinions I should be valuing and which ones I shouldn't be.

I can assure you all I won't be banging anybody on a random basis. The two things to keep in mind are 1) Presbyterian school with rules about opposite sex in dorms, and 2) my own personal feelings about when I want to have sex.

I am not doubting that she will be tempted by many other men once she goes off to college herself. But like I said, that's not for another year still, and I can guarantee that there will be nothing tempting her in high school while I'm gone.

I seem to agree with most of what you say, Injury. It all makes pretty good sense. I still cannot see ending it now, though, just to prevent a hard breakup later. If that happens, then it happens, but I can't see ending now just in case that happens. I do know a few couples that have survived the first year apart, and if I end things prematurely with her I'll always be wondering if things could've worked out.

But like you said, I don't want to stop myself from dating and meeting other people. I DO want to stop myself from fooling around with other girls who I do not even care for, as that's essentially meaningless and ruining a very good thing that I have.

So when I see other girls, yes, I will meet them, talk to them, get to know them. If a situation arises where I want to get to know one better, then perhaps it's time to break it off. But I see it being very possible where no one will appeal to me more than she does.

 

[spidey07]

Easy answer to your question - you won't. They all fail within the first year.

 

[archcommus]

Originally posted by: spidey07
Easy answer to your question - you won't. They all fail within the first year.

Not all - most.

 

[SacrosanctFiend]

Originally posted by: spidey07
Easy answer to your question - you won't. They all fail within the first year.

So true. It's a good thing they do as most people change a great deal throughout college.

 

[meltdown75]

I broke up with my SO of the moment back when I went away for school. We tried to keep it going, but I guess we weren't strong enough for that. We continued dating when I got home from school though.

Not sure what to tell ya. Do whatever makes you happy. It's not easy though, and imho those people that were in relationships that lived on my floor just came off seeming reclusive and didn't have near as much fun & socializing time as the people who were single. Basically it's a nice time to be free. Not implying sowing your seeds all over the place, not at all. It's just easier to have a good time when you don't have to worry about what's 'back home'. Good luck in school - most of us only do it once.

 

[archcommus]

We discussed some things. She actually didn't cry as much as she used to, I think she's getting used to thinking about it.

Basically, I told her that I don't want to go to school in the mindset that we HAVE to stay together, because that will result in me avoiding all girls and any kinds of potential relationships. I said I need to go feeling open and free, so I can meet new girls, go on dates if I want, etc. She understood and realized that she'd want to do the same thing when she goes to college.

BUT, and this is the very important part, we realize that just because we see other people, that doesn't mean we INSTANTLY have to cut off all relations with each other. We can still see each other, we just won't be a strict couple anymore. For example, when I come home for breaks, we can still catch a movie, maybe go to dinner, basically just have fun as if we were any other two people going on a date. And, if at the end of the school year I'm still not dating anyone ELSE seriously, and if I still want to be with her, then that means our relationship survived a healthy test.

What do you think, do our thoughts on this sound good?

 

[chowmein]

try to make it work, if it doesn't life goes on, you're still young. for some college is the best yrs of their lives. don't waste them mopping or regretting.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: archcommus
We discussed some things. She actually didn't cry as much as she used to, I think she's getting used to thinking about it.

Basically, I told her that I don't want to go to school in the mindset that we HAVE to stay together, because that will result in me avoiding all girls and any kinds of potential relationships. I said I need to go feeling open and free, so I can meet new girls, go on dates if I want, etc. She understood and realized that she'd want to do the same thing when she goes to college.

BUT, and this is the very important part, we realize that just because we see other people, that doesn't mean we INSTANTLY have to cut off all relations with each other. We can still see each other, we just won't be a strict couple anymore. For example, when I come home for breaks, we can still catch a movie, maybe go to dinner, basically just have fun as if we were any other two people going on a date. And, if at the end of the school year I'm still not dating anyone ELSE seriously, and if I still want to be with her, then that means our relationship survived a healthy test.

What do you think, do our thoughts on this sound good?

sounds good on paper, but the constant wondering of who did what with whom will sow the seeds of distrust and ruin any intimacy you once had.

 

[otispunkmeyer]

itll be a test to see if u really do love each other, thats for sure

 

[DaTT]

I took that as you breaking it off with her, more or less.