YAGT: Is this controlling?

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
...someone has been burned fairly bad before. What's your rationale for your view?

Self respect is my rationale. I simply won't allow anybody, especially somebody who is supposed to like/love me disrepect me.

Emotional cheating, like in OPs case is the worst kind.

 

[Garet Jax]

Originally posted by: Chryso
She is wrong for lying. You are wrong for telling her who she can talk to.

I generally agree with this. My experience has been that men have contact with a woman for one reason and one reason alone: they want sex.

Sure there are a few men who appreciate women friends, but they are few and far between and just plain wierd.

Women are much more innocent in their desire to have men friends because they typically underestimate men's intentions.

 

[DaiShan]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Update: she said she will no longer talk to him at all - however I wanted her to text him and say - do not talk with me anymore, she refused to do that - and she also said that she cant stop him from calling her - I said dont answer his calls, so he'll get the hint - and she said she would do that.

Is this acceptable?

No. You need to ease up and trust that she won't do anything to hurt your relationship (e.g. cheating)

She lied to him and that should instill trust in him how? Listen man, I think that you're right asking her not to keep talking with her ex boyfriend. A lot of relationships end because people just get sick of each other. If she is only seeing/talking with him occassionally, she's probably forgotten why they broke up. Personally, I'd end it with her, but it's up to you.

 

[Encryptic]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious

Originally posted by: BD2003
The question isnt whether or not shes allowed to...but why does she want to? Doesnt want to break his heart? She already did...thats a sham reason. And lying about it too. Doesnt sound right.

Sometimes break ups are amicable and the two remain friends. Lying about it could have been brought about by the OPs controlling nature and her desire not to escalate a benign situation into a maelstrom. I don't know the exact situation, but this is what I have gathered.

Yeah, but her rationale is fishy (I don't want to break his heart because his wife cheated on him). It's entirely possible nothing's going on and nothing will happen, but if that's her explanation for still talking to this guy, I'd be uncomfortable with it too.

 

[stars]

controlling no, naive yes.

 

[CollectiveUnconscious]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
...someone has been burned fairly bad before. What's your rationale for your view?

Self respect is my rationale. I simply won't allow anybody, especially somebody who is supposed to like/love me disrepect me.

Emotional cheating, like in OPs case is the worst kind.

I do not see how that is disrespect or emotional cheating. Her lying is wrong, but her motive for doing so could have been to prevent an escalation.

 

[DaiShan]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious

No. You need to ease up and trust that she won't do anything to hurt your relationship (e.g. cheating)

The thing is she is already cheating. The worse kind of cheating.

No OP, you're not being controlling at all. Call the dude up and tell him it's over and to never contact her again. She's being completely and totally disrespectful to you. I'd presonally dump her over that level of disrespect.

QFMFT.

 

[Garet Jax]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
I do not see how that is disrespect or emotional cheating. Her lying is wrong, but her motive for doing so could have been to prevent an escalation.

It probably was, but the ex's intention were almost certainly not so innocent.

She is tempting fate for little to no reason to do so.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
...someone has been burned fairly bad before. What's your rationale for your view?

Self respect is my rationale. I simply won't allow anybody, especially somebody who is supposed to like/love me disrepect me.

Emotional cheating, like in OPs case is the worst kind.

I do not see how that is disrespect or emotional cheating. Her lying is wrong, but her motive for doing so could have been to prevent an escalation.

No. If this friendship means so much to her that she will sneak around behind her BF's back, but not enough that she'll stand up for it, she's trying to have them both. If she's not real clear with the BF about exactly what's going on, she's not giving him a choice on whether to live with it or go.

 

[Vegitto]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
How would she feel if you were talking to and possibly getting cozy with your ex g/f, and stating that you don't want to break your ex's heart?

That's what's known as a double standard.

For example, if you're in a relationship and she has an opinion, you have to support it because otherwise you don't care about her. If you have an opinion, you're on your own. You can't tell ME what to think... :disgust:

 

[CollectiveUnconscious]

Originally posted by: Garet Jax

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
I do not see how that is disrespect or emotional cheating. Her lying is wrong, but her motive for doing so could have been to prevent an escalation.

It probably was, but the ex's intention were almost certainly not so innocent.

She is tempting fate for little to no reason to do so.

We don't know the ex's motivation for talking to her, and it is not prudent to speculate. If the OP has a strong relationship with her, then he should trust that nothing is going to happen. It takes two to cheat.

 

[jmdeathsquad]

Originally posted by: jmdeathsquad
pics?

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious

Originally posted by: BD2003
The question isnt whether or not shes allowed to...but why does she want to? Doesnt want to break his heart? She already did...thats a sham reason. And lying about it too. Doesnt sound right.

Sometimes break ups are amicable and the two remain friends. Lying about it could have been brought about by the OPs controlling nature and her desire not to escalate a benign situation into a maelstrom. I don't know the exact situation, but this is what I have gathered.

But their not the same kind of friends they used to be. She would only lie if she had something to hide.

Theres a certain basic level of respect that I expect in a relationship. One of them is not to consistently hang around or be on the phone with someone who has banged you. Lying about it, even worse.

But she says he's just a friend. She doesnt have enough friends, that she needs to hang on tightly to each and every one?

 

[multiband8303]

Update: She just wants to drop the conversation obviously......I guess I feel like I'm being too nosy, too controlling - I mean the way I found out - was by snooping on her phone - I feel like a dolt. But.....this isn't the first time she has lied about this guy.......and I'm not going to lie either - when we first wen tout - I did the typical guy thing, and lied about things to impress her (which I came clean on) but I can honestly say, I have never cheated on her. Ever.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Update: She just wants to drop the conversation obviously......I guess I feel like I'm being too nosy, too controlling - I mean the way I found out - was by snooping on her phone - I feel like a dolt. But.....this isn't the first time she has lied about this guy.......and I'm not going to lie either - when we first wen tout - I did the typical guy thing, and lied about things to impress her (which I came clean on) but I can honestly say, I have never cheated on her. Ever.

No, you feel like you'd rather have her sneaking than not at all. Understandable.

 

[Garet Jax]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
We don't know the ex's motivation for talking to her, and it is not prudent to speculate. If the OP has a strong relationship with her, then he should trust that nothing is going to happen. It takes two to cheat.

You're right that we don't know for sure, but I'm a gambling man and I believe the odds of the ex's intentions being innocent can be counted on two hands (ie < 10%).

Referenced from an earlier post of mine:

I generally agree with this. My experience has been that men have contact with a woman for one reason and one reason alone: they want sex.

Sure there are a few men who appreciate women friends, but they are few and far between and just plain wierd.

Women are much more innocent in their desire to have men friends because they typically underestimate men's intentions.

I also agree that it takes two to cheat, but I think everyone has their breaking point and there is no reason to tempt it.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
We don't know the ex's motivation for talking to her, and it is not prudent to speculate. If the OP has a strong relationship with her, then he should trust that nothing is going to happen. It takes two to cheat.

That's what you don't understand. She is already cheating. She's having an emotional affair. If she keeps this up the relationship is doomed.

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Update: She just wants to drop the conversation obviously......I guess I feel like I'm being too nosy, too controlling - I mean the way I found out - was by snooping on her phone - I feel like a dolt. But.....this isn't the first time she has lied about this guy.......and I'm not going to lie either - when we first wen tout - I did the typical guy thing, and lied about things to impress her (which I came clean on) but I can honestly say, I have never cheated on her. Ever.

The honest truth - if you're going to "ask" her, then she's going to continue to do it behind your back, because she can.

If you're going to TELL her, then either she'll stop, yor you'll break up.

Reason is not an option here. Take your pick.

 

[CollectiveUnconscious]

We are deviating into speculation and chastisement. The original question was "is this controlling," and the answer is, yes. What the OP is trying to do is controlling. Whether it is right or wrong is up for debate.

 

[Garet Jax]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
We are deviating into speculation and chastisement. The original question was "is this controlling," and the answer is, yes. What the OP is trying to do is controlling. Whether it is right or wrong is up for debate.

Agreed, but like all men we want to offer up undesired advice

 

[lokiju]

Originally posted by: sixone
Nope. She destroyed your trust by lying about another guy. Kick her sorry ass to the curb.

You tell him SixTwo.

But seriously, I agree. The lying would be the real issue for me at least.


Hmm, well after reading the updates (why don't people update their OP's?) I'd have to say you're in the wrong with trying to be so controlling as that will never end well but she shouldn't have lied either. Two wrongs here IMO.

 

[Encryptic]

Originally posted by: Garet Jax

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
We are deviating into speculation and chastisement. The original question was "is this controlling," and the answer is, yes. What the OP is trying to do is controlling. Whether it is right or wrong is up for debate.

Agreed, but like all men we want to bang anything that moves.

Fixed.

 

[multiband8303]

Another problem - this guy I dont think even knows we are in a relationship......

I feel like a twerp - I do everything for this girl...everything. I'm not a bad guy, but I can come off mean, when I'm... "scared" - I use to never have this problem with any other woman, ever. However I was engaged, and my ex fiancee did cheat on me (a drunken night, not an excuse) and I'm starting to think - maybe there is a common demoinator - why women are cheating in my relationships....and that common deominator is me... I must be doing something wrong. I know money isn't everything - but I have thrown tons of money on this girl (she doesn't have a lot, and...I'm a trust fund baby...sorry not trying to have an e-penis fight here, but the way I was raised is you take care of a woman, any way you can) and I do.

All in all, I really love the girl - maybe her communication with this ex is innocent, but I think he wants to be with her. Even though she says, he hates her now.....

I love this girl with all my heart - and would do anything for her. But I can't get hurt again.

So what do I do? I do not want to give an ultimatum.....I just want advice...

 

[RaiderJ]

Who she talks to is really none of your business.

However, if she's talking to an ex and lying about it, that should be a HUGE RED FLAG that someone isn't ready to move on.

The point of dating is to figure out if someone is worth spending more time with... not trying to mold someone into what you think they should be doing.

Maybe I'm just old and lazy?

 

[Triforceofcourage]

She lied to you about it. How can you even trust her to do what she says. There is no relationship if there is no trust. I know its hard but save yourself some future grief and leave this lying bitch.