YAGT: Is this controlling?

[multiband8303]

I guess in all honesty, I would prefer them not to talk to each other, but if they are going to - I at least want to be aware of it. I want her to be open/honest with me on EVERYTHING.

 

[MisterJackson]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Update: She just wants to drop the conversation obviously......I guess I feel like I'm being too nosy, too controlling - I mean the way I found out - was by snooping on her phone - I feel like a dolt. But.....this isn't the first time she has lied about this guy.......and I'm not going to lie either - when we first wen tout - I did the typical guy thing, and lied about things to impress her (which I came clean on) but I can honestly say, I have never cheated on her. Ever.

Ummm, checking her phone is just as much a breach of trust as what she did dude.

 

[CollectiveUnconscious]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
We don't know the ex's motivation for talking to her, and it is not prudent to speculate. If the OP has a strong relationship with her, then he should trust that nothing is going to happen. It takes two to cheat.

That's what you don't understand. She is already cheating. She's having an emotional affair. If she keeps this up the relationship is doomed.

Speculation. You do not know if she has romantic/passionate emotions for this other guy.

 

[lokiju]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Another problem - this guy I dont think even knows we are in a relationship......

I feel like a twerp - I do everything for this girl...everything. I'm not a bad guy, but I can come off mean, when I'm... "scared" - I use to never have this problem with any other woman, ever. However I was engaged, and my ex fiancee did cheat on me (a drunken night, not an excuse) and I'm starting to think - maybe there is a common demoinator - why women are cheating in my relationships....and that common deominator is me... I must be doing something wrong. I know money isn't everything - but I have thrown tons of money on this girl (she doesn't have a lot, and...I'm a trust fund baby...sorry not trying to have an e-penis fight here, but the way I was raised is you take care of a woman, any way you can) and I do.

All in all, I really love the girl - maybe her communication with this ex is innocent, but I think he wants to be with her. Even though she says, he hates her now.....

I love this girl with all my heart - and would do anything for her. But I can't get hurt again.

So what do I do? I do not want to give an ultimatum.....I just want advice...

Why not tell her these things and have an open communication with her about such subjects?

 

[yowolabi]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious

Originally posted by: BD2003
The question isnt whether or not shes allowed to...but why does she want to? Doesnt want to break his heart? She already did...thats a sham reason. And lying about it too. Doesnt sound right.

Sometimes break ups are amicable and the two remain friends. Lying about it could have been brought about by the OPs controlling nature and her desire not to escalate a benign situation into a maelstrom. I don't know the exact situation, but this is what I have gathered.

That sounds like a likely scenario, and one I also thought of.
However, if she feels that this is a part of the OP's personality and that she can't discuss it with him and has to lie instead.... then she needs to either accept his wishes or leave him. Lying/sneaking around isn't an acceptable alternative no matter how benign.

 

[ggnl]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
All in all, I really love the girl - maybe her communication with this ex is innocent, but I think he wants to be with her. Even though she says, he hates her now.....

I love this girl with all my heart - and would do anything for her. But I can't get hurt again.

So what do I do? I do not want to give an ultimatum.....I just want advice...

We're going to need a lot more information to give any good advice. Too much room for speculation with what you've given us so far.

To start, how long have you guys been dating? How long did she date the ex? How long ago did she break up with the ex (before or after his wife left him)? What were the circumstances of the break up (who dumped who)?

Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to maintain an innocent relationship with your exs. I've done it. I know many people that have done it. It's entirely possible your gf's ex is just going through a difficult time in his life and needs someone familiar to talk to. If that's the case than you have no business interfering with them.

 

[Encryptic]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Another problem - this guy I dont think even knows we are in a relationship......

I feel like a twerp - I do everything for this girl...everything. I'm not a bad guy, but I can come off mean, when I'm... "scared" - I use to never have this problem with any other woman, ever. However I was engaged, and my ex fiancee did cheat on me (a drunken night, not an excuse) and I'm starting to think - maybe there is a common demoinator - why women are cheating in my relationships....and that common deominator is me... I must be doing something wrong. I know money isn't everything - but I have thrown tons of money on this girl (she doesn't have a lot, and...I'm a trust fund baby...sorry not trying to have an e-penis fight here, but the way I was raised is you take care of a woman, any way you can) and I do.

All in all, I really love the girl - maybe her communication with this ex is innocent, but I think he wants to be with her. Even though she says, he hates her now.....

I love this girl with all my heart - and would do anything for her. But I can't get hurt again.

So what do I do? I do not want to give an ultimatum.....I just want advice...

You got cheated on once (unless there's other episodes you haven't mentioned). I'd hardly say that's damning evidence you caused the cheating to occur. Your fiance got drunk and nailed somebody. People (myself included) do stupid things all the time while drunk.

In any case, it's not like you can "force" someone to cheat. You might do things that make them want to cheat (being a jackass, not giving them enough attention, etc.), but they still make the decision to cross the line, not you.

 

[Conky]

You say you don't want to make an ultimatum but you are going to have to if you be with this girl.

You have to make it clear that she is not ever to talk to this ex-boyfriend or she will be your ex-girlfriend. It's not cool for people to be contacting and talking with ex's... period.

Or you can be a wimp and let her cheat around on you and maybe bring you an STD as a bonus.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Garet Jax
I would be more worried about her lying though. People generally don't lie unless they feel they need to hide something. In that case, they feel they have done something that shouldn't have been done or are embarrassed about. Either way is not a good sign.

Agreed.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
Speculation. You do not know if she has romantic/passionate emotions for this other guy.

Go read up on emotional affair. There doesn't have to be any romantic or passionate stuff. It's the connection. What she is doing is the very definition of one.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Another problem - this guy I dont think even knows we are in a relationship......

I feel like a twerp - I do everything for this girl...everything. I'm not a bad guy, but I can come off mean, when I'm... "scared" - I use to never have this problem with any other woman, ever. However I was engaged, and my ex fiancee did cheat on me (a drunken night, not an excuse) and I'm starting to think - maybe there is a common demoinator - why women are cheating in my relationships....and that common deominator is me... I must be doing something wrong. I know money isn't everything - but I have thrown tons of money on this girl (she doesn't have a lot, and...I'm a trust fund baby...sorry not trying to have an e-penis fight here, but the way I was raised is you take care of a woman, any way you can) and I do.

All in all, I really love the girl - maybe her communication with this ex is innocent, but I think he wants to be with her. Even though she says, he hates her now.....

I love this girl with all my heart - and would do anything for her. But I can't get hurt again.

So what do I do? I do not want to give an ultimatum.....I just want advice...

You sound like a really wonderful guy. And you deserve a really wonderful girl - who's willing to do everything for you, too. If that's not this gal, then you need to get out now, so that when Ms. Wonderful comes along, you're ready.

And you WILL get hurt again - that's just life. You've got to do the best you can in the meantime.

 

[Xyo II]

You know, just talk to her ex. Straighten things out; make sure she's just being there for him in a time of trouble, and if he SOUNDS like a good guy then a night or two a week go out as all 3. If he gets defensive or snaps at you, you should probably know something is up.

 

[Orsorum]

Is it just me, or does the movie "Closer" seem like a good movie to watch after reading one of these threads?

Dan: You love her like a dog loves its owner.
Larry: And the owner loves the dog for so doing.
Dan: You'll hurt her. You'll never forgive her.
Larry: Of course I'll forgive her. I *have* forgiven her. Without forgiveness we're savages. You're drowning.

 

[Xyo II]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
Speculation. You do not know if she has romantic/passionate emotions for this other guy.

Go read up on emotional affair. There doesn't have to be any romantic or passionate stuff. It's the connection. What she is doing is the very definition of one.

It just sounds to me that she is being there for the guy, as he had his heart torn out. Since she was his gf, he probably feels much more comfortable talking to her than any guy friends. But then again, the OP won't know one way or the other if he doesn't have a heart-to-heart to the guy himself.

 

[IMaN00BieGF]

If she's going to lie about talking to him then who knows what else she's lying to you about. If she feels bad for him there is a chance she'll become physical with him because she feels sorry for him. Just be happy she's not telling him she loves him

 

[Kev]

Every time there is a YAGT, it seems like 95% of the responses are from insecure children.

 

[multiband8303]

Obviously I am one of the 95%.... lol

 

[Garet Jax]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Obviously I am one of the 95%.... lol

Me too since there are less than 100 posts and I have posted > 5 times.

 

[Saulbadguy]

To be honest, after reading your posts, you sound like a wuss. (That's putting it nicely).

Demand that she end conversation with the guy. If he calls again, demand to talk to him, and put him in his place.

Women don't like weak men. However, if she still has the desire to talk to this guy (which she obviously does), perhaps you two aren't right for each other.

 

[Cookie]

Originally posted by: RaiderJ
Who she talks to is really none of your business.

However, if she's talking to an ex and lying about it, that should be a HUGE RED FLAG that someone isn't ready to move on.

The point of dating is to figure out if someone is worth spending more time with... not trying to mold someone into what you think they should be doing.

Maybe I'm just old and lazy?

Maybe. But it's better than young and trying to change people
(or tell them not to talk to other people)
Good thoughts. All of them.

 

[D1gger]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Another problem - this guy I dont think even knows we are in a relationship......

I feel like a twerp - I do everything for this girl...everything. I'm not a bad guy, but I can come off mean, when I'm... "scared" - I use to never have this problem with any other woman, ever. However I was engaged, and my ex fiancee did cheat on me (a drunken night, not an excuse) and I'm starting to think - maybe there is a common demoinator - why women are cheating in my relationships....and that common deominator is me... I must be doing something wrong. I know money isn't everything - but I have thrown tons of money on this girl (she doesn't have a lot, and...I'm a trust fund baby...sorry not trying to have an e-penis fight here, but the way I was raised is you take care of a woman, any way you can) and I do.

All in all, I really love the girl - maybe her communication with this ex is innocent, but I think he wants to be with her. Even though she says, he hates her now.....

I love this girl with all my heart - and would do anything for her. But I can't get hurt again.

So what do I do? I do not want to give an ultimatum.....I just want advice...

I'm sorry, but if she hasn't even bothered to tell him she is in a relationship, she probably isn't ready to commit to you. She is keeping her options open.

Also, it seems very strange that she would say that the ex b/f now hates her. Why would he be calling her if he hates her? That doesn't ring true for me.

She is getting something out of the relationship with the ex that she isn't getting from you, either emotional support or physical love.

 

[Cookie]

Originally posted by: Saulbadguy
To be honest, after reading your posts, you sound like a wuss. (That's putting it nicely).

Demand that she end conversation with the guy. If he calls again, demand to talk to him, and put him in his place.

Women don't like weak men. However, if she still has the desire to talk to this guy (which she obviously does), perhaps you two aren't right for each other.

Women don't like demands either.
There is a huge difference between not weak and unreasonable demands.
Maybe you should just discuss this with her.
Also, her lying about it is definately not cool.

 

[CollectiveUnconscious]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
Speculation. You do not know if she has romantic/passionate emotions for this other guy.

Go read up on emotional affair. There doesn't have to be any romantic or passionate stuff. It's the connection. What she is doing is the very definition of one.

There is no evidence for such a claim. I know very well what an emotional affair is, and I don't know where you drew that conclusion from.

Edit: You are starting to sound quite misogynistic.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
There is no evidence for such a claim. I know very well what an emotional affair is, and I don't know where you drew that conclusion from.

Edit: You are starting to sound quite misogynistic.

Ever been a counselor?

The exchange of grief or hardship with one of the opposite sex, specifically one that has had previous intimate relations is by very defintion an emotional affair.

By every definition this is what is happening.

I draw that conclusion from statements made by the OP. "doesn't want to hurt him", "he's been hurt in the past", "lied about speaking with him"

That is about as clear cut and dry as you can get. That emotional connection needs to be broken ASAP. Unfortunately for the OP it is already too late and she is seeking emotional comfort elsewhere. Either he puts his foot down or dumps her.

Am I misogynistic? No. I just have respect for myself and much of these YAGT threads could be better served it the posters learned to love themselves before they latch onto another to feed their already broken/shattered ego.

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: Leros

Originally posted by: Aimster
hell no.

she has no right to be talking to him.

She has the right to talk to him, whether or not she should is up to the couple to decide. Now the fact that she lied about it is another issue.

QFT. I'm still good friends with my ex, and he has a wonderful gf now who I adore. The lying is the issue, not the talking.