YAGT: Just found out she didn't cheat on me

[MrsBugi]

Originally posted by: her209

Originally posted by: eits
love is subjective. you people think that just because YOU wouldn't cheat or would only cheat if you didn't really love who you with that that MUST be the ONLY way love must manifest itself... that's not the case. love is felt differently by everyone and shown differently by everyone. people have bad judgment at times, especially at certain moments of weakness... should you blame them? absolutely. but does that mean automatically that they still don't love you? NO.

lust is a very powerful thing, as is love... if you think that you could never tempted and potentially go astray by someone else while you love someone else, you're either immature and still living in a fantasy world of disney movies or you're too busy watching romantic comedies.

Sounds like the typical cheater talk. "Don't blame me, I'm the victim here. *tear*" Maybe they should learn what the word commitment means. And if they break it, don't be suprised if you ass gets tossed out to the curb.

Speaking as a "victim" of cheating (evidenced in the post just above yours), her209, I am very familiar with the word and meaning of the term commitment.

Commitment is not conditional love, i.e. if you do something wrong or fail to meet a set of standards, you immediately lose it/the love is revoked. Commitment is not immediately "tossing your partner's ass to the curb" if they do something wrong (as always, there are varying degrees of wrong - for example, serious physical/emotional/sexual abuse in a relationship might merit a "tossing of an ass to a curb").

In my opinion, commitment is staying with your partner during both the good times and the bad times, through each other's times of strength and through times of weakness, and learning how to truly love (unconditionally), accept, support, and, if necessary and if possible, forgive.

It will take work. Relationships take work, commitment takes work. Instead of running away at the first sign of a problem, my husband and I chose to grit our teeth and work through it. It was a painful process, but in the end, it was worth it. We are very happy now, and I think we have an even deeper understanding of our love and commitment to each other several years later.

 

[RagingBITCH]

You're the idiot who accused her without solid proof first. Got what was coming to ya.

 

[Otaking]

Can't wii all just get along and play some Wii sports?

 

[marulee]

Originally posted by: KoolDrew
:brokenheart:

And this whole time I thought she really loved me...

Update:

It turns out she didn't cheat on me which makes me feel like crap. See, I was told by both my sister and one of my ex's friends that she did yesterday. It turns out my sister also found out from this friend. Now normally I wouldn't believe what other people had to say because I do trust her, but that night there was a bit of confusion about our plans and I thought she ditched me, but she didn't. So, I already thought she ditched me so it made me believe that she did cheat on me. And I called her up and asked her about it and she seemed hesitant to answer which made me believe she cheated on me even further, but it could have to do with her being around a bunch of people at the time.

Well, my ex did tell me what did happen, and she's never really lied to me the whole time we've been together (almost 8 months), but with all this going on I did not believe her. Then today I asked her friend again and she told me she had it all wrong. So, I asked around even more and it turns out that my ex was telling the truth. Everything she told me was exactly what I was hearing from other people. It turns out the guy she supposedly cheated on me with made it up and other people believed him. Then it finally got to me.

So, basically we are not together now because of all this crap going around and I believed it and dumped her because of it, without even really listening to her side. However, even after I apologized for me not believing her and everything she doesn't want to be with me. The reason she told me was because my friends and family hate her because they think she cheated on me. I can see why that would suck, but as a reason for not wanting to get back with me? I could simply tell my friends and family the truth, which I would've planned on doing anyway. Her other reason is that she does not feel good enough for me. Now, you should know she is a person of very low self-esteem. She just keeps telling me that we can't be together. We did just break up last night. Maybe I should just give her some time?

This whole situation really sucks...

Crap is better than feel like a trash!

 

[Hammer]

seppuku is your only option.

 

[alkemyst]

when you truly grow-up, sex outside a relationship (just an ONS when you do not have an 'open relationship') is hardly a sticking point if it happens EXTREMELY rarely.

It more or less is a wake up call that she or he had to have needs met.

If you cannot handle their needs they are not wrong...they are just wrong for you.

Å

 

[eits]

Originally posted by: alkemyst
when you truly grow-up, sex outside a relationship (just an ONS when you do not have an 'open relationship') is hardly a sticking point if it happens EXTREMELY rarely.

It more or less is a wake up call that she or he had to have needs met.

If you cannot handle their needs they are not wrong...they are just wrong for you.

Å

good post.

 

[eits]

Originally posted by: MrsBugi

Originally posted by: her209

Originally posted by: eits
love is subjective. you people think that just because YOU wouldn't cheat or would only cheat if you didn't really love who you with that that MUST be the ONLY way love must manifest itself... that's not the case. love is felt differently by everyone and shown differently by everyone. people have bad judgment at times, especially at certain moments of weakness... should you blame them? absolutely. but does that mean automatically that they still don't love you? NO.

lust is a very powerful thing, as is love... if you think that you could never tempted and potentially go astray by someone else while you love someone else, you're either immature and still living in a fantasy world of disney movies or you're too busy watching romantic comedies.

Sounds like the typical cheater talk. "Don't blame me, I'm the victim here. *tear*" Maybe they should learn what the word commitment means. And if they break it, don't be suprised if you ass gets tossed out to the curb.

Speaking as a "victim" of cheating (evidenced in the post just above yours), her209, I am very familiar with the word and meaning of the term commitment.

Commitment is not conditional love, i.e. if you do something wrong or fail to meet a set of standards, you immediately lose it/the love is revoked. Commitment is not immediately "tossing your partner's ass to the curb" if they do something wrong (as always, there are varying degrees of wrong - for example, serious physical/emotional/sexual abuse in a relationship might merit a "tossing of an ass to a curb").

In my opinion, commitment is staying with your partner during both the good times and the bad times, through each other's times of strength and through times of weakness, and learning how to truly love (unconditionally), accept, support, and, if necessary and if possible, forgive.

It will take work. Relationships take work, commitment takes work. Instead of running away at the first sign of a problem, my husband and I chose to grit our teeth and work through it. It was a painful process, but in the end, it was worth it. We are very happy now, and I think we have an even deeper understanding of our love and commitment to each other several years later.

*clap*

 

[eits]

Originally posted by: MrsBugi

Originally posted by: eits

Originally posted by: Cookie

Originally posted by: her209

Originally posted by: eits
either way, i still say it's possible for someone to love their significant other even though they cheated... it's possible to love someone and not be happy with the status of your relationship and, therefore, more easily led astray or seduced... and then, after it happens, it's possible to feel like shyt for what you've done and for betraying your significant other's trust and love because you still love them...

That's the most horrible excuse for excusing cheating. If you aren't happy with the status of your relationship, either talk to you significant other or get the f*ck out of the relationship. Cheating is for the weak minded. Period.

Exactly

that's pathetic... that's part of why there are so many divorces in this country.

just because you're not happy with the current status of your relationship doesn't mean that you have to end it... it doesn't mean that it's ok to cheat, either. what it means is that you need to open communication lines and work at fixing what's wrong with the relationship.

love is subjective. you people think that just because YOU wouldn't cheat or would only cheat if you didn't really love who you with that that MUST be the ONLY way love must manifest itself... that's not the case. love is felt differently by everyone and shown differently by everyone. people have bad judgment at times, especially at certain moments of weakness... should you blame them? absolutely. but does that mean automatically that they still don't love you? NO.

lust is a very powerful thing, as is love... if you think that you could never tempted and potentially go astray by someone else while you love someone else, you're either immature and still living in a fantasy world of disney movies or you're too busy watching romantic comedies.

I concur.

I have never cheated on my husband, but he cheated on me early in our relationship, when we were engaged... given the circumstances (he was drunk/influenced by his older brother/regretted it very much/loves me, not the stranger he cheated on me with), we communicated our thoughts, feelings, and needs, I forgave him, and we moved onward. Now we are happily married, and all the stronger for it.

Everyone's circumstances are different and I definitely don't support or even condone cheating, but I do believe that while taking a black or white, all-or-nothing, he/she-loves-me-or-she doesn't, one-strike-and-you're-out attitude may be good for protecting your feelings initially, it may hinder your ability to have a deep, meaningful, forgiving, accepting, and long-lasting relationship with another human being.

:thumbsup:

 

[Pepsei]

Originally posted by: RagingBITCH
You're the idiot who accused her without solid proof first. Got what was coming to ya.

right, now, go post a blog on myspace, maybe she'll read it and beg for your forgivness op.

 

[Jinru]

Originally posted by: eits

Originally posted by: MrsBugi

Originally posted by: eits

Originally posted by: Cookie

Originally posted by: her209

Originally posted by: eits
either way, i still say it's possible for someone to love their significant other even though they cheated... it's possible to love someone and not be happy with the status of your relationship and, therefore, more easily led astray or seduced... and then, after it happens, it's possible to feel like shyt for what you've done and for betraying your significant other's trust and love because you still love them...

That's the most horrible excuse for excusing cheating. If you aren't happy with the status of your relationship, either talk to you significant other or get the f*ck out of the relationship. Cheating is for the weak minded. Period.

Exactly

that's pathetic... that's part of why there are so many divorces in this country.

just because you're not happy with the current status of your relationship doesn't mean that you have to end it... it doesn't mean that it's ok to cheat, either. what it means is that you need to open communication lines and work at fixing what's wrong with the relationship.

love is subjective. you people think that just because YOU wouldn't cheat or would only cheat if you didn't really love who you with that that MUST be the ONLY way love must manifest itself... that's not the case. love is felt differently by everyone and shown differently by everyone. people have bad judgment at times, especially at certain moments of weakness... should you blame them? absolutely. but does that mean automatically that they still don't love you? NO.

lust is a very powerful thing, as is love... if you think that you could never tempted and potentially go astray by someone else while you love someone else, you're either immature and still living in a fantasy world of disney movies or you're too busy watching romantic comedies.

I concur.

I have never cheated on my husband, but he cheated on me early in our relationship, when we were engaged... given the circumstances (he was drunk/influenced by his older brother/regretted it very much/loves me, not the stranger he cheated on me with), we communicated our thoughts, feelings, and needs, I forgave him, and we moved onward. Now we are happily married, and all the stronger for it.

Everyone's circumstances are different and I definitely don't support or even condone cheating, but I do believe that while taking a black or white, all-or-nothing, he/she-loves-me-or-she doesn't, one-strike-and-you're-out attitude may be good for protecting your feelings initially, it may hinder your ability to have a deep, meaningful, forgiving, accepting, and long-lasting relationship with another human being.

:thumbsup:

eits! good points, a lot of people don't realize this and take things at face value.

 

[otispunkmeyer]

let it simmer for a bit

then just make a proper apology to her, tell her you miss her. if she has low self esteem you gotta really make sure that she knows shes the only one for you.

if she does really like you she will come back, any rational person would see all this was just one big misunderstanding, it happens. however women arent exactly known for their rationality when they are upset. certainly with my ex... common sense also went out the window along with her entire capability for rational thought.

jus leave it a week or so. jus let her know that your not goin anywhere, you'll always be there for her and that shes the one for you. kinda like leaving an offer.

if she doesnt take it, well thats tough titties........all you can do then is learn from your mistake and move on

 

[otispunkmeyer]

let it simmer for a bit

then just make a proper apology to her, tell her you miss her. if she has low self esteem you gotta really make sure that she knows shes the only one for you.

if she does really like you she will come back, any rational person would see all this was just one big misunderstanding, it happens. however women arent exactly known for their rationality when they are upset. certainly with my ex... common sense also went out the window along with her entire capability for rational thought.

jus leave it a week or so. jus let her know that your not goin anywhere, you'll always be there for her and that shes the one for you. kinda like leaving an offer.

if she doesnt take it, well thats tough titties........all you can do then is learn from your mistake and move on

 

[Fraggable]

Be a man and tell your family the whole truth and tell them it is unacceptable to be mad at her. If they need to be mad at someone it should be you since you didn't listen to her story.

Here's the key: say 'I was wrong'. And say it to her AND your family.

 

[her209]

Originally posted by: MrsBugi
Speaking as a "victim" of cheating (evidenced in the post just above yours), her209, I am very familiar with the word and meaning of the term commitment.

Commitment is not conditional love, i.e. if you do something wrong or fail to meet a set of standards, you immediately lose it/the love is revoked. Commitment is not immediately "tossing your partner's ass to the curb" if they do something wrong (as always, there are varying degrees of wrong - for example, serious physical/emotional/sexual abuse in a relationship might merit a "tossing of an ass to a curb").

In my opinion, commitment is staying with your partner during both the good times and the bad times, through each other's times of strength and through times of weakness, and learning how to truly love (unconditionally), accept, support, and, if necessary and if possible, forgive.

It will take work. Relationships take work, commitment takes work. Instead of running away at the first sign of a problem, my husband and I chose to grit our teeth and work through it. It was a painful process, but in the end, it was worth it. We are very happy now, and I think we have an even deeper understanding of our love and commitment to each other several years later.

They say "Forgive and forget" but do we really forget? Can you really say that you 100% trust him if he were in the same situation again? Or if he went out, didn't call and came home the next morning, even though he may not have done anything wrong other than not call, can you honestly say that you didn't at least think about the possiblity that he may have cheated on you last night? Or how about the situation where the cheated become the cheater and the excuse is "You did it to me."

 

[jdini76]

you should be telling your family anyway. not as a reason to get back together with her. Also, why would HER friend tell you that she cheated. I would hope my friends wouldn't throw me under the bus like that.

 

[Lalakai]

Yep, you jumped the gun and really shot yourself in the foot. As for her not wanting to be with you at all, she is in the position you just left; you didn't trust her, felt she had violated your trust, and didn't know if she was the type of person you wanted to committ with.

If you still want to try for her, gonna have to be low key, very consistent, and prove yourself through actions. If she's interested at all she'll be watching; leave the door open and hopefully she'll get over the hurt and loss of trust, and will give the relation a second chance.

But i don't think this was a serious relation at the foundation, or else you would have made sure of the situation before taking such drastic actions. That in itself leads me to believe there wasn't alot of committment on your part. Best thing that may come of this, is the experience you've acquired, and to evaluate input from your family and friends a bit more thoroughly before jumping off that bridge.

 

[lokiju]

Just stay broken up and move on with your lives.

Be done with it and start fresh.

 

[MrsBugi]

Originally posted by: her209

Originally posted by: MrsBugi
Speaking as a "victim" of cheating (evidenced in the post just above yours), her209, I am very familiar with the word and meaning of the term commitment.

Commitment is not conditional love, i.e. if you do something wrong or fail to meet a set of standards, you immediately lose it/the love is revoked. Commitment is not immediately "tossing your partner's ass to the curb" if they do something wrong (as always, there are varying degrees of wrong - for example, serious physical/emotional/sexual abuse in a relationship might merit a "tossing of an ass to a curb").

In my opinion, commitment is staying with your partner during both the good times and the bad times, through each other's times of strength and through times of weakness, and learning how to truly love (unconditionally), accept, support, and, if necessary and if possible, forgive.

It will take work. Relationships take work, commitment takes work. Instead of running away at the first sign of a problem, my husband and I chose to grit our teeth and work through it. It was a painful process, but in the end, it was worth it. We are very happy now, and I think we have an even deeper understanding of our love and commitment to each other several years later.

They say "Forgive and forget" but do we really forget? Can you really say that you 100% trust him if he were in the same situation again? Or if he went out, didn't call and came home the next morning, even though he may not have done anything wrong other than not call, can you honestly say that you didn't at least think about the possiblity that he may have cheated on you last night? Or how about the situation where the cheated become the cheater and the excuse is "You did it to me."

In my personal experience, I have forgiven but I have not forgotten. But just because I have not forgotten does not mean that I trust him any less now, since he has earned my trust back over subsequent years. As I said before, it takes a significant amount of time and effort to work through something so painful... but her209, my husband knew he was wrong, he felt terribly about it, he loves me, and he did all he could to prove it to me until I trusted him completely again. It took time. It took work. But we both made it through okay. We both healed.

her209, I can really, truly, honesty say that today, I 100% trust him if he were in the same situation again - in fact, he has been, and he has been faithful and everything has been fine.

My husband often goes out and doesn't have the time to call (mostly for business). We don't have a controlling, "I MUST KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU'RE DOING AT ALL TIMES" relationship. That is no way to be, and we're too old to be playing those games. If he ever is out to the point where he comes home the next morning/day, then he always takes the time to call. I think that I would worry more about his safety, is he okay? Is he safe? Has there been an accident? Those thoughts are so much worse and so much more saddening. Thankfully, he does have the courtesy to take the time to call if there is ever a chance he might be held up longer than expected.

I believe it would be quite tacky and juvenile to cheat "for revenge" or to use the excuse "you did it to me, so I can do it to you." That's very destructive thinking and acting, and both of us value our relationship too much to do or even say such silly things. What would be the point of something so senseless and hurtful? I don't know, maybe we're just old and boring at this point, but we've left the senseless drama behind us and are moving forward together.

We are not infallible, and our relationship is not perfect. But we learn from our mistakes and we grow from them, and we are both willing to endure some pain, sacrifices, and struggles in exchange for a much greater happiness and fulfillment in the long run.

 

[GasX]

My recommendation is to petition the mods to have your handle changed to EmoDrew

 

[elektrolokomotive]

Originally posted by: MrsBugi

Commitment is not conditional love, i.e. if you do something wrong or fail to meet a set of standards, you immediately lose it/the love is revoked. Commitment is not immediately "tossing your partner's ass to the curb" if they do something wrong (as always, there are varying degrees of wrong - for example, serious physical/emotional/sexual abuse in a relationship might merit a "tossing of an ass to a curb").

In my opinion, commitment is staying with your partner during both the good times and the bad times, through each other's times of strength and through times of weakness, and learning how to truly love (unconditionally), accept, support, and, if necessary and if possible, forgive.

It will take work. Relationships take work, commitment takes work. Instead of running away at the first sign of a problem, my husband and I chose to grit our teeth and work through it. It was a painful process, but in the end, it was worth it. We are very happy now, and I think we have an even deeper understanding of our love and commitment to each other several years later.

IMHO, this is the most intelligent thing I've ever seen posted in a YAGT on ATOT.


Ever.

 

[spamsk8r]

Sucks dude. The line between trust and naivete is a thin one to walk, for sure.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: her209
They say "Forgive and forget" but do we really forget? Can you really say that you 100% trust him if he were in the same situation again? Or if he went out, didn't call and came home the next morning, even though he may not have done anything wrong other than not call, can you honestly say that you didn't at least think about the possiblity that he may have cheated on you last night? Or how about the situation where the cheated become the cheater and the excuse is "You did it to me."

It's never a "forget" deal, neither partner should forget. However; and this doesn't work for everyone....you need to look at it for what it is. If someone goes out and ends up in a back seat, corner of a club, on the beach, or even at another's place...what happened that really hasn't happened before you met them. The relationship is much more than the physical aspect or property aspect of it...

This is why I have a lot of trouble telling friends in the past that I agreed with their engagements when they were each other's first everything...even into my early 20's. I have known two women in their near 30's that both claimed to be intercourse virgins. This may have worked well for them if they were playing the field and actually dating...both had been in only a handful of relationships and really no dating.

Too many people move 'false' relationship to 'false' relationship, I feel this is why there is a lot of jealousy and trust issues.

The statistics across the board pretty much say over the course of a lifetime one in three will cheat on a live-in partner.

In order to get over these kinds of things, you first truly have to want to be with that person and not have them around as a security blanket. Then you need to not dwell on the details or actions and especially never ask if the sex was good or better. My reply has been either not to answer at all with a "I am not going to comment on my past other than let you know what has happened in general" or if I made a mistake "It's something I regret doing and I wish never happened."

During the dissolution of my first marriage, we'd often lie in bed after sex and discuss who we were seeing on the side and what happened. We loved each other, but we both knew we were at different points in our lives. It was sort of surreal to both of us and we'd joke about "here we are husband and wife and discussing our affairs in bed."

To me intercourse is one of the least things that worry me of someone's past.

 

[JulesMaximus]

You're still in high school aren't you?

 

[LittleNemoNES]

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
You're still in high school aren't you?

fat and bald, aren't you?

jk

I just hate it when folks belittle others.