YAGT: So my girlfriend wants to make "new" friends...

[yowolabi]

The OP handled this all wrong from the start. You never forbid your girl to go somewhere, it lowers you in her eyes and it doesn't resolve anything. She wasn't involved in the decision, so nothing's changed in her mind about her willingness to do it next time. Now you still have to worry about her doing it behind your back and making you out to be a bad guy in this situation.

What the OP should have done is said in a calm voice; "It really bothers me that a guy you just met asks you out on a date and your first instinct is to say yes. I would like to invite a new girl on a date just to show you how it feels, but I have too much respect for you and our relationship to consider something like that. I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you just weren't thinking, and that now that i've brought it up you'll reconsider."

And then you should have refused to argue the issue. If she tried to claim this is innocent, you should have only one reply. "I understand you think differently, but nothing you say is going to make me think that you going out on a date is okay. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you should know my feelings aren't ever going to change about this being acceptable relationship behavior."

If the OP handled it in this manner one of 3 things would have happened.

1. She would have agreed to his viewpoint voluntarily, admitted she was wrong, not went on this date and known to not even consider saying "yes" the next time a guy asked. Edit: She either agrees she's wrong or simply acknowledges that since it bothers the OP, it's more important to her that the OP is happy than that she meets some random guy. Either way, she's the one that makes the decison that going is wrong.

2. She would have went anyway, but felt horrible the whole time thinking about the OP being at home and mad/sad. The date would be a horrible experience and she'd cut it as short as possible and run home to the OP apologizing and promising never to do it again. The two of them actually grow closer through the experience, as the thought of losing him makes her realize how much she cares.

3. She went on the date, and told him it's his problem if he doesn't like it. The OP would know for sure that the relationship is past the point of no return and be able to end it without any regrets, because she was already gone anyway.

 

[MadPeriot]

Heres my .2cents:

First of all don't let this "new guy" ruin your 3 years of what I assume a beautiful relation you have/had with your gf. Drop the manhood and ego, it does you no good. If she offered you to go with her then go if you don't trust her. If you do trust her, then just let her go, who cares...you know her best...ATOTers don't know her personally. But ATOTers have experiences including myself been hurt in the process, and we're warning you the outcome that might happen. If you know you treated her and loved her the best way you knew how, she'll always remember it even when shes with her next bf. Be mature about it, not kicking and screaming demanding her not to go, cuz you don't own her. bf/gf status ain't sh*t until you put that ring on her finger.

 

[RaiderJ]

Originally posted by: Iron Addict

Originally posted by: hypn0tik
1) You have trust issues

2) She will end up cheating on you

Pick one

You may not believe me, i trust her with the hottest guy in the world... it's the dude's motive that i dont trust..

She won't cheat on me.. she will just break off the relationship if she wants to..

Could you spare some of whatever it is you are smoking?

 

[RaiderJ]

Originally posted by: michaels
She is probably being bent over his computer desk right now.

While he's reading and laughing at this thread.

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33

Originally posted by: HotChic

Originally posted by: frankgomez75

Originally posted by: HotChic

Originally posted by: Ronstang

Originally posted by: HotChic
Are you going to argue that the gist of this thread isn't "dump that bitch, she will inevitably cheat on you"? Or that those comments, in or out of context, were appropriate? Or that the context was any different than the comments themselves?

Whether you like it or not, she has either already cheated or is intending to. You can continue to argue from your naive point of view if you like but her actions speak for themselves to anyone with any amount of "people" experience. So, how many girls have you dated?

You have no proof that she has cheated or is going to, so your argument there is based on completely nothing but personal experience. And not everybody shares your experience. In my group of friends, we've never had a situation where anybody (male or female) cheated on a partner. So it DOES happen, some women DO have integrity, some people CAN have friendships with multiple genders.

You've invented this absolute rule that says, "all women do this," based on your experiences. Since I know women that have not cheated, I can refute your rule and say that not all women do that. I further advance the premise that all we have is 131 words on a single side of the situation and that that is not enough information to diagnose a problem, predict the future or make a statement about what a single human being with free will may choose to do.

Honestly, do you really think you can state exactly what is going to happen based on less than 200 words?

Statistically speaking.... a man and woman hanging out alone can lead to so much more.
I mean, would you have a problem with your man hanging out with other "NEW" females he just met. Furthermore... would you do anything about it if he proceeded to tell you that you are being irrational and made a "BIG" deal about it.

We may not have the full story... but lets just say.... most stories that start like this, don't end with "Happily ever after"

I've seen "GOOD" girls go out and act on their impulse. Men are just as guilty.... so I guess I'm speaking in regards to the situation itself. If the roles were reversed, I'd tell the girl most likely her man is prolly looking for some tail and she better assess her relationship rather quickly.

Fair enough.

To be honest, I don't have a problem when my husband hangs out with women, either in groups or one on one. Part of marriage to me is trust, and I wouldn't have married him if I didn't trust him that far. I would, however, expect him to respect my feelings and wishes in the matter (which is how I advised the OP - to request that she listens to how he feels about it regardless of what she thinks)

You appear to be somewhat naiive on this topic. Have you ever been through situations like this? I would suspect that your relationship with your husband is either atypical, or just hasn't been seriously tested yet.

I wouldn't hesitate to describe us as atypical. But I also think that there are more "atypical" people out there than most of the guys in this thread think.

 

[91TTZ]

Edited.

 

[91TTZ]

Sorry.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: MazerRackham
How about option C. It's about to be over soon so you might as well break up with her.

Sorry dude, but you are headed to Aloneville, Population: You.

:laugh:QFT

Kick her to the curb.

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: Iron Addict
I'd just like to say that many here think that my gf has alterior motives but i can 100% say that she doesn't... The only concern was the dude's motive and the reason why my gf got mad was not because she couldn't hang out with the dude, rather i was too controlling or possessive.. Not as her bf, yet as a fellow human being, i can truly say that she is honest and altruistic person that wouldn't fit into many categories of "female" as you guys described...

Points for you for trusting her. Now go have a conversation with her about the fact that her going out with this guy weakens your trust and damages the relationship. Feel free to tell her that AT's advice was to dump her, and show her what the typical guy would think of a girl in this scenario - find out if she really wants to make herself look like she fits that mold.

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: MichaelD

Originally posted by: Ronstang
Anyone in a serious relationship has no business going out to a "1 on 1" dinner with someone of the opposite sex they have recently met. If they do then the current relationship is already toast from their point of view.

/QFT

Absolutely! And regardless of HIS intentions (though they are plainly clear to me) SHE should have more respect for you and your relationship than to even ask. :roll:

Trust = knowing that she won't be out at the club w/the girls, meet some guy and blow him in back seat of his car

Disrespect = your GF meeting some guy and then going out with him alone.

She should have told him; "I have a boyfriend that I love very much and I don't think it would be right to go out with you alone. But you're welcome to join my friends and I at the bowling alley on Friday."

*edit* I just read the entire thread. Some great replies. LMAO @ "Pussy whipped progressive faggots" comments. D HOW TRUE they are.

Never hand over your testicles, gentlemen. Find a good woman who will respect you...and let her borrow them...pet them...and take care of them. But never give them away by ALLOWING behavior like this guy's soon-to-be ex-GF tried.

When she got caught out there she nagged and got all defensive. Classic signs, folks. Classic signs that mentally, she's already out of the relationship.

Tell her to get the hell out of your life and stay out. Kick her to the curb first before you walk in on something you really don't want to see. Trust me on this one.

Dang, I totally agreed with your post 150% up until the edit!

 

[EmperorIQ]

Originally posted by: MartyMcFly3

Originally posted by: Iron Addict

Originally posted by: hypn0tik
1) You have trust issues

2) She will end up cheating on you

Pick one

You may not believe me, i trust her with the hottest guy in the world... it's the dude's motive that i dont trust..

She won't cheat on me.. she will just break off the relationship if she wants to..

If you trust her like you say and think she wont cheat on you, it shouldn't matter if she hangs with a guy one-on-one then.

eh, sometimes the fact that there is a guy who knows that a girl has a bf, and still insist on hanging out with her alone and flirting with her is enough to not want your gf to be around that guy. Its not about how much you trust the girl, but the fact that you don't want your gf hanging around an idiot like that guy. Especially one who will pull crap like "oh, you deserve better, let me be your superman" (yes i'm referring to that song that is out there)

 

[EmperorIQ]

Originally posted by: tk109
Geez man this wreaks of trouble and drama. Dont be a gullable fool. Stand up and be a man. One on one? What the hell..... seriously. You should always be invited. She sounds like one of the girls that wont let go of the last person until she has something new in her hands (which is pretty much every women). This has bad news written all over it. Get ready for a rollercoaster ride. Film it all you might be able to sell it off as a day time soap opera.

And if you dont think it bothers you now.... it will.... a lot. It will only get worse.

Also dont be so trusting of women. It's ok to be a little suspicious once in a while and keep your eyes open. It's unbelievable how many women cheat. Dont give them so much credit. I've hung around a lot of married or taken women and I'd be pissed if I was their SO and heard them say the things they say to me. It's a good thing I respect their relationships.

yea seriously. I have heard some girls talk about their bf in ways that I would honestly consider disrespectful and idiotic. It just calls out "i don't really like him anymore, can someone else come in and take me?"

 

[Iron Addict]

Originally posted by: RaiderJ

Originally posted by: Iron Addict

Originally posted by: hypn0tik
1) You have trust issues

2) She will end up cheating on you

Pick one

You may not believe me, i trust her with the hottest guy in the world... it's the dude's motive that i dont trust..

She won't cheat on me.. she will just break off the relationship if she wants to..

Could you spare some of whatever it is you are smoking?

it's called human degency and dignity.. some people have it or develope it as they grow.. perhaps it may happen to you one day or not...

 

[mrzed]

Originally posted by: Iron Addict
it's called human degency and dignity.. some people have it or develope it as they grow.. perhaps it may happen to you one day or not...

Just treat yourself with the same decency and dignity you are claiming to want to treat her with.

IMO - and I've been there with "nice" girls before - that means take what people are saying here very seriously. Obviously some of the posts have the intellect and character of a forum populated largely by young men with limited experience in these matters (or any pertaining to women). That does not mean that they are all wrong. Probably, some of them are right.

Regardless of what she intended or how she feels about this guy, her behaviour indicates a lack of respect for you, an interest in another guy, and a desire to keep you out of it. It stinks, and people who've been there before recognize the smell, and are trying to tell you about it.

 

[Iron Addict]

UPDATES #2!

I took yowolabi's advice and tried to come out very calm and try to express how i feel. I told her that i felt it was very disrespectful for her to make a plan with a guy that i dont even know or she barely knows. I said it was one's responsibility to have a ground of mutual respect when it comes to matters like this and she should have known better. I told her it would've been okay if i knew the guy and gave her a "green" light first then made plans with him. She agreed and apologized. Yet, im only 75% sure this won't happen again seeing how she lacks common sense and easily swayed by others. Nonetheless, she is still mad about fact that i was too aggressive and mean yesterday and called her current male friends not her "true" friends.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: mrzed

Originally posted by: Iron Addict
it's called human degency and dignity.. some people have it or develope it as they grow.. perhaps it may happen to you one day or not...

Just treat yourself with the same decency and dignity you are claiming to want to treat her with.

IMO - and I've been there with "nice" girls before - that means take what people are saying here very seriously. Obviously some of the posts have the intellect and character of a forum populated largely by young men with limited experience in these matters (or any pertaining to women). That does not mean that they are all wrong. Probably, some of them are right.

Regardless of what she intended or how she feels about this guy, her behaviour indicates a lack of respect for you, an interest in another guy, and a desire to keep you out of it. It stinks, and people who've been there before recognize the smell, and are trying to tell you about it.

Very well said.

I and other men have had this discussion at work (30-40 somethings) and it is wildy agreed upon "Women, you don't disrespect your man, EVER - that is the worst a woman can do. Men - You don't EVER disrespect your honey, EVER...never ever.

 

[Regs]

Friends or being friendly is suppose to come naturally. I find it a bit suspicious that she announces it like it's a new Olympic event. I actually find it a bit childish.

 

[EGGO]

Originally posted by: 91TTZ

Originally posted by: Rachael
The guy does seem kind of fishy- a one on one dinner seems somewhat date-like for a guy who is really just getting to know her. For people who are just friends, the invitation seems a bit too formal.

I have to say I disagree with those who are responding that he should assume she's looking for someone else and get out though. Her intentions might be legitimate, I wouldn't immediately break up with her for such a reason. If you have a concern as to why she accepted the invitation in the first place, then talk to her about it.

LOL, wow you're stupid.

I bet you're the kind of person who can't see something coming until it hits them on the face. Totally unable to see things that are currently in the works.

Amazing.

I have a ton of respect for you, but please don't insult my girlfriend in such a rude manner. She's the optimist type, so of course she'd think that way.

 

[91TTZ]

Originally posted by: EGGO


I have a ton of respect for you, but please don't insult my girlfriend in such a rude manner. She's the optimist type, so of course she'd think that way.

I'll edit my reply to be nice.

 

[AreaCode707]

Props to the OP for handling this in a mature matter, despite lots of advice to the contrary.

 

[stars]

most likely months later he will be wishing he took the majority of the advice posted in this thread.

 

[OVERKILL]

After all this OP, I'll tell ya, this still sounds fishy.

Hopefully you'll have a sharper awareness from now on.

I'm just not getting a good feeling about her behavior and actions.

Good luck.

 

[Compton]

In a few months when you realize you're getting played like a fiddle come back and let us know. Don't SPIDER us.

 

[Pacfanweb]

Kick her to the curb if she insists on going out with a new guy "friend".

edit: read some more posts here.

I agree that the "mature" way of discussing this topic with her was best, but the bottom line is, it is unacceptable for her to just accept an invite to "chill" with a guy that she basically just met and you never have.
Totally unacceptable.

Especially given your now-stated opinion of her "common sense".

 

[jagec]

Originally posted by: HotChic
I don't know, I went back and reread every post in the thread and found that most contained a very biting attitude towards women. So sue me, that's what the whole thread reads like to me. I didn't see much reasonable attitude about the fact that she is an independent person and isn't going to act in a foreordained manner.

That's because even if only 1% of ATOT is bitter about a former GF, all of THEM are going to post something in a relationship thread, and only a few of the other 99%. The nature of the internet is that in any discussion, those with strong opinions will be overrepresented. They gravitate toward the issues they care about. And some of those who don't hold quite as strong opinions will express partial agreement, which makes the stronger opinions look even more disproportionate. That's why everyone seems like such a prick online.

Originally posted by: Orsorum
This thread IS the context of those quotes, dug. She's correct. ATOT is a prime example of why young (mostly American) men need better relationships with their mothers. Otherwise, I don't think they'd be saying such misogynistic tripe.

Frankly, my theory makes a lot more sense.