YAGT: To what extent is a guy obligated to inform one girl about seeing another

[Kirby]

Originally posted by: Garth

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
If you're just "dating" like going to movies and dinners and hanging out...it doesn't matter. Once you start getting physical with them, then you have to choose one to see how it goes.

So you're saying that a sexual relationship implies an obligation to be exclusive? I'm not sure that I agree. IMO exclusivity arrangements should be explicit.

If you like her enough to bang her, then you should like her enough to be exclusive. Same goes for her.

 

[yowolabi]

Here's the milestone.... when you have to lie. If you can't simply tell the girl "i have other plans that night" and that be the end of it, then you've acknowledged that she has some claim on your time and knowledge of your activities.

At that point you should be honest with yourself that you're already in a relationship whether its spoken or unspoken. You then need to make a decision whether you want to keep the girl as your girlfriend or if you want to be truly single.

I find nothing morally wrong about dating multiple people. However I think you have to do it in an ethical way and not just be a "player". That means that if you are not in a committed relationship with her you should not be giving her the impression that you are. That means that from the beginning you should make it clear that your time is your own, and that there is no commitment. You can make this clear through your actions or through your words. I personally think the smart thing would be to discuss what you think a relationship is very early in the dating process. I usually say something during the first few dates like, "I would never be with a girl just because i'm lonely. I think it's very important that I get to know someone completely, before I commit myself to them." Then, until we've had an exclusivity chat, I never let her take it for granted that i'll be available to her.

If you never tell her your philosopy, and you never act as if you're dating another girl, and you lie as to your whereabouts when you're seeing another girl, how can you blame the girl for not thinking it's important to ask if you're exclusive or not. Saying she never asked for exclusivity is just a loophole to make yourself feel alright about being dishonest.

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

Originally posted by: D1gger

Originally posted by: Garth
So, if I have sex with girl-1, and I also have sex with girl-2, both without an agreement to be exclusive, am I under any obligation to create and exclusive arrangement with one of them? What obligations, if any, arise from taking a relationship to a sexual level?

I practice safe sex, btw, and I'm regularly tested.

What obligation do you expect girl 1 and 2 to have when they are dating you. Are they free to have sex with anyone else? (or each other )

If the answer is you do not have any expectations of fidelity from them and there has been no discussion of exclusivity, then I don't believe you are under any moral obligation to have sex with only one of them, or to inform them of the other.

That's basically where I'm at. I don't expect her to be exclusive either, although I don't want to know that she's sexually active with other people. Ignorance is bliss, in this case. That's basically my justification for keeping quiet about my own activities.

 

[Sex Smurf]

Originally posted by: Garth

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
If you're just "dating" like going to movies and dinners and hanging out...it doesn't matter. Once you start getting physical with them, then you have to choose one to see how it goes.

So you're saying that a sexual relationship implies an obligation to be exclusive? I'm not sure that I agree. IMO exclusivity arrangements should be explicit.

no no no it's called booty call

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

Originally posted by: yowolabi
Here's the milestone.... when you have to lie. If you can't simply tell the girl "i have other plans that night" and that be the end of it, then you've acknowledged that she has some claim on your time and knowledge of your activities.

At that point you should be honest with yourself that you're already in a relationship whether its spoken or unspoken. You then need to make a decision whether you want to keep the girl as your girlfriend or if you want to be truly single.

I find nothing morally wrong about dating multiple people. However I think you have to do it in an ethical way and not just be a "player". That means that if you are not in a committed relationship with her you should not be giving her the impression that you are. That means that from the beginning you should make it clear that your time is your own, and that there is no commitment. You can make this clear through your actions or through your words. I personally think the smart thing would be to discuss what you think a relationship is very early in the dating process. I usually say something during the first few dates something like, "I would never be with a girl just because i'm lonely. I think it's very important that I get to know someone completely, before I commit myself to them." Then, until we've had an exclusivity chat, I never let her take it for granted that i'll be available to her.

If you never tell her you're philosopy, and you never act as if you're dating another girl, and you lie as to your whereabouts when you're seeing another girl, how can you blame the girl for not thinking it's important to ask if you're exclusive or not. Saying she never asked for exclusivity is just a loophole to make yourself feel alright about being dishonest.

Thank you for your post. It was (surprisingly for ATOT ) very insightful. Your advice is well-taken.

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

Originally posted by: nkgreen

Originally posted by: Garth

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
If you're just "dating" like going to movies and dinners and hanging out...it doesn't matter. Once you start getting physical with them, then you have to choose one to see how it goes.

So you're saying that a sexual relationship implies an obligation to be exclusive? I'm not sure that I agree. IMO exclusivity arrangements should be explicit.

If you like her enough to bang her, then you should like her enough to be exclusive. Same goes for her.

Hmm... I think on this issue we're just going to have to agree to disagree. I do not have those expectations of her. I'm not judging you that you would have that expectation of another person -- that's your right -- but I don't feel hypocritical for not feeling obliged to something I don't expect of her.

 

[yowolabi]

Originally posted by: Garth

Originally posted by: yowolabi
Here's the milestone.... when you have to lie. If you can't simply tell the girl "i have other plans that night" and that be the end of it, then you've acknowledged that she has some claim on your time and knowledge of your activities.

At that point you should be honest with yourself that you're already in a relationship whether its spoken or unspoken. You then need to make a decision whether you want to keep the girl as your girlfriend or if you want to be truly single.

I find nothing morally wrong about dating multiple people. However I think you have to do it in an ethical way and not just be a "player". That means that if you are not in a committed relationship with her you should not be giving her the impression that you are. That means that from the beginning you should make it clear that your time is your own, and that there is no commitment. You can make this clear through your actions or through your words. I personally think the smart thing would be to discuss what you think a relationship is very early in the dating process. I usually say something during the first few dates something like, "I would never be with a girl just because i'm lonely. I think it's very important that I get to know someone completely, before I commit myself to them." Then, until we've had an exclusivity chat, I never let her take it for granted that i'll be available to her.

If you never tell her you're philosopy, and you never act as if you're dating another girl, and you lie as to your whereabouts when you're seeing another girl, how can you blame the girl for not thinking it's important to ask if you're exclusive or not. Saying she never asked for exclusivity is just a loophole to make yourself feel alright about being dishonest.

Thank you for your post. It was (surprisingly for ATOT ) very insightful. Your advice is well-taken.

No problem. I used to have the militant approach that some have about "no conversation, no exclusivity" until I matured a bit, and had to deal with really hurting someone. That's when I realized that there's a such thing as "implied exclusivity". If you do nothing to disabuse her of the notion that you're exclusive, and do other things that would cause her to think that you are, you carry a lot of the blame when you break her heart.

My philosophy hasn't changed about dating multiple girls, but it made me be much more up front with girls. I now have much more peace of mind, because I don't waste time hiding things and thinking up lies. I simply say i'm busy, and because i've been consistent from the start, i get away with that. I actually think that explaining my relationship goals with girls the way I do now, has made me more desirable. Girls realize that they have to earn a place as my girlfriend and cannot just fall into it by being there.

 

[Koing]

Originally posted by: yowolabi
No problem. I used to have the militant approach that some have about "no conversation, no exclusivity" until I matured a bit, and had to deal with really hurting someone. That's when I realized that there's a such thing as "implied exclusivity". If you do nothing to disabuse her of the notion that you're exclusive, and do other things that would cause her to think that you are, you carry a lot of the blame when you break her heart.

My philosophy hasn't changed about dating multiple girls, but it made me be much more up front with girls. I now have much more peace of mind, because I don't waste time hiding things and thinking up lies. I simply say i'm busy, and because i've been consistent from the start, i get away with that. I actually think that explaining my relationship goals with girls the way I do now, has made me more desirable. Girls realize that they have to earn a place as my girlfriend and cannot just fall into it by being there.

So what if they ask you what your busy doing? You tell them I'm going out on a date? Or I'm going out?

Koing

 

[Geekbabe]

I'd say you're under obligation to make it clear that you're sexually active with other people without going into any further detail.

 

[ppdes]

Bizarre seeing people call it disrespecting. The only female complaints I've heard in person about this sort of thing are the other way around. They date a guy a little, the guy thinks that means exclusive and gets pissed seeing them out with someone else, they consider the guy screwed up and clingy.

 

[yowolabi]

Originally posted by: Koing

Originally posted by: yowolabi
No problem. I used to have the militant approach that some have about "no conversation, no exclusivity" until I matured a bit, and had to deal with really hurting someone. That's when I realized that there's a such thing as "implied exclusivity". If you do nothing to disabuse her of the notion that you're exclusive, and do other things that would cause her to think that you are, you carry a lot of the blame when you break her heart.

My philosophy hasn't changed about dating multiple girls, but it made me be much more up front with girls. I now have much more peace of mind, because I don't waste time hiding things and thinking up lies. I simply say i'm busy, and because i've been consistent from the start, i get away with that. I actually think that explaining my relationship goals with girls the way I do now, has made me more desirable. Girls realize that they have to earn a place as my girlfriend and cannot just fall into it by being there.

So what if they ask you what your busy doing? You tell them I'm going out on a date? Or I'm going out?

Koing

I never explicitly say i'm going out on a date, because my position is that it's not her business what i'm doing. I'll say "I already have plans with a friend". I know that this seems like it's a disaster waiting to happen, but it just works for me. Mostly, it's because i'm very consistent. Even when I have nothing to hide, I don't let myself be interrogated, so by the time this issue comes up the girl is used to me being vague. Also, you can only push someone you've just started dating so far before you seem too psycho or jealous. So at most the girl will joke about me seeing someone else, and then i'll joke right back about how if she'd do her job I wouldn't have to. When the conversation is over, I still won't have revealed anything though.

I'm not a jerk with it. I'll say nicely that i can't do anything on Friday, but how about we go out on Saturday about 5 instead. It also doesn't become a problem because it won't come up too many times with the same girl. If I find that i'm constantly blowing a girl off to hang with someone else, that means I don't really like her, so I don't keep stringing her along. The only reason I will date multiple girls is so I can find the one that I really want, so i don't waste anyone's time.

 

[Rill22]

Coming from the other side, I'd want to know. Probably means I wouldn't want to date you, but still.

 

[sjwaste]

Originally posted by: Garth

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
If you're just "dating" like going to movies and dinners and hanging out...it doesn't matter. Once you start getting physical with them, then you have to choose one to see how it goes.

So you're saying that a sexual relationship implies an obligation to be exclusive? I'm not sure that I agree. IMO exclusivity arrangements should be explicit.

Usually only one person involved sees it that way. If you're having sex with one of them, I think there's an obligation to have a conversation stating that it ISN'T exclusive, and that's going to fall on you.

 

[mercanucaribe]

If there's nothing wrong with "dating" multiple people, why are you trying to hide it? Why would you even post this thread if it's no big deal?

 

[IceBergSLiM]

obviously you want to play them against each other so they do crazy things to compete for your time and attention. don't bring it up on the first date but once she's into you ....you can use it to your advantage.

just don't lie and lead them on thats wrong.

 

[yllus]

1. Don't lie. If you're seeing other people, be honest about it.

2. If you are having sexual relations with someone else, you owe it to the woman to tell her that. She should make the decision as to whether she wants to take the various health risks that implies.

 

[zerocool84]

Originally posted by: Garth

Originally posted by: nkgreen

Originally posted by: Garth

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
If you're just "dating" like going to movies and dinners and hanging out...it doesn't matter. Once you start getting physical with them, then you have to choose one to see how it goes.

So you're saying that a sexual relationship implies an obligation to be exclusive? I'm not sure that I agree. IMO exclusivity arrangements should be explicit.

If you like her enough to bang her, then you should like her enough to be exclusive. Same goes for her.

Hmm... I think on this issue we're just going to have to agree to disagree. I do not have those expectations of her. I'm not judging you that you would have that expectation of another person -- that's your right -- but I don't feel hypocritical for not feeling obliged to something I don't expect of her.

I not talking trash to anyone personally on here but when was it wrong to date multiple people and have sex with multiple people??? He can tell them that he is dating/having sex with multiple people if he wants to be a nice guy but he doesnt have to since he has no commitment to. If she asks then yes tell her but otherwise he doesnt have to bring it up. Remember once you become their boyfriend then you are obligated but you shouldnt have a girlfriend if your under 25 anyways. Just have fun, be safe, and don't get them pregnant for god sakes.

 

[91TTZ]

Originally posted by: Garth
Here's my situation: I'm seeing a girl right now, and I like her and everything, but she's definitely not 100% my ideal woman. She's also the first girl I've really dated since I moved into the area, and I've met a number of other girls on an online dating site with whom I'm also planning dates.

To what extent, if any, am I obligated to inform girl-1 about my dating girls-2,3,4 etc. and/or to inform those other girls about my dating the rest? Are there relationship milestones (like becoming sexually involved, for example) that create such an obligation? I've not agreed to be exclusive to girl-1, but I'm wondering if there are circumstances under which this obligation can become implied.

At least be upfront and honest to these women and don't act like a scumbag.

 

[jjones]

Never give them the impression that they're the only one you're dating and you don't have to do anything. Of course, you usually end up with one or two psychos in the bunch who do weird sh!t trying to manipulate you into something exclusive, but that can be entertaining too.

 

[nonameo]

Bud, you should be upfront from the beginning. You've dug yourself a big hole. Next time, just tell girls you're going on another date when you're doing so. No need to cover up and all that crap.

 

[maziwanka]

at the very beginning, you dont need to. but once you start thinking she has feelings for you or vice versa, i would sto pthe other dating or end the relationship (in other words, once you feel you have a relationship with someone else, it isnt right to be seeing other ppl)

 

[IceBergSLiM]

Originally posted by: nonameo
Bud, you should be upfront from the beginning. You've dug yourself a big hole. Next time, just tell girls you're going on another date when you're doing so. No need to cover up and all that crap.

Wrong. Its not their business what your doing. There is nothing wrong just saying I'm busy tonight or wahtever it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. If they ask you flat out "are you seeing anyone else" then don't lie.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: nonameo
Bud, you should be upfront from the beginning. You've dug yourself a big hole. Next time, just tell girls you're going on another date when you're doing so. No need to cover up and all that crap.

So wrong on so many levels.

The goal is to get them to compete over you. Never tell them you are going on a date. "I'm busy that night" goes a long way.

Think about the thoughts that go through your head if a woman said that to you? What new lengths are you going to try to win her?

Well, women play as well and if they know they aren't the single object of your attention they will try to win it. NEVER tell them you're dating others. Always keep them second guessing if they are good enough.

 

[Nutdotnet]

I won't lie, but I certainly won't come out and say anything.

I'm also a bit of a dog, and I almost always hurt (EMOTIONALLY) the women I'm with so...take my advice for what it's worth.

 

[IceBergSLiM]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: nonameo
Bud, you should be upfront from the beginning. You've dug yourself a big hole. Next time, just tell girls you're going on another date when you're doing so. No need to cover up and all that crap.

So wrong on so many levels.

The goal is to get them to compete over you. Never tell them you are going on a date. "I'm busy that night" goes a long way.

Think about the thoughts that go through your head if a woman said that to you? What new lengths are you going to try to win her?

Well, women play as well and if they know they aren't the single object of your attention they will try to win it. NEVER tell them you're dating others. Always keep them second guessing if they are good enough.

hey spidey whats poppin