YAGT: What would you do if you found out that your significant other found your pr0n collection? Updated Resolution!

[Wingznut]

Originally posted by: pipster
Sometimes people just have to be mad... as long as you don't intend to cheat on your wife. She's insecure, but you accept her for that... so why can't she accept you for being "a fan of women" as I like to call it?

BTW, just because she's mad doesn't mean she doesn't accept you.

Sorry... But that is complete BS. This isn't an uncontrollable situation.

She is upset because of her loved one's (husband's) behavior. He hid it from her, because he knew she'd be upset. And now you are suggesting that he continue to upset her, because it is more important to hang on to porn than ease her feelings.

I can only presume you aren't in a committed relationship.

 

[Electric Amish]

Originally posted by: Wingznut

Originally posted by: pipster
Sometimes people just have to be mad... as long as you don't intend to cheat on your wife. She's insecure, but you accept her for that... so why can't she accept you for being "a fan of women" as I like to call it?

BTW, just because she's mad doesn't mean she doesn't accept you.

Sorry... But that is complete BS. This isn't an uncontrollable situation.

She is upset because of her loved one's (husband's) behavior. He hid it from her, because he knew she'd be upset. And now you are suggesting that he continue to upset her, because it is more important to hang on to porn than ease her feelings.

I can only presume you aren't in a committed relationship.

So he should give up something he enjoys just to make her (a controlling bitch, by my observation) happy?

If she can't accept you for who you are why stay married? Obviously she doesn't love you.

 

[xSauronx]

Originally posted by: RIGorous1
Should I toss it?

i cant be the first to catch that and think "you already toss it"
but i wont read everything to see how many said it before me, out of laziness

 

[Quixfire]

Originally posted by: RIGorous1
Just wondering because my wife just found my stash from college days and she blew up saying she didn't know I was such a pervert and all. It was nothing weird like beastiality or anything, just stuff from jenna, lexus, etc. Anyways I retorted that every guy does it, and that at least it was controlled and not real like with a prostitute or anything. Am I right?

Nevertheless she is pissed and wants me to throw it all away... everything, and anything with a girl on it. Is she over-reacting? Should I toss it?

Thanks for your serious comments

Toss it, it's not worth the grief your relationship will suffer from if you keep it.

 

[Imdmn04]

If your wife doesn't understand the fact that every guy has a porn stash, then maybe she is the one that is not mature enough to be a wife. Marriage is all bout understandings, in this case, she obviously doesnt understand. It's your job to make her understand but at the same time not give in to her demands.

 

[RIGorous1]

I'm thinking it comes down to this for me...

Fact: I think I'm addicted to porn and women (to a degree I think we all are for men/women)

Even If I do throw it, does that mean that I'm cured. No, I'll just be a porn addict with no porn. Can I be changed? cause part of me thinks that this desire is innate or born within as an instinct, if so, then I can't be changed. Or should I just repress those desires and become a robot of social conformity. Or should she just accept me for who I am whether my addiction is subjective or objective...

 

[notfred]

I might worry about it if I had either one.

 

[thomsbrain]

i've never had a SO that cared. but if she really cared, i guess i'd dump it. i'm just not sure i'd allow myself to be with someone that controlling in the first place. but like i said, if it came to that, i'd dump it.

 

[pipster]

Originally posted by: Electric Amish

Originally posted by: Wingznut

Originally posted by: pipster
Sometimes people just have to be mad... as long as you don't intend to cheat on your wife. She's insecure, but you accept her for that... so why can't she accept you for being "a fan of women" as I like to call it?

BTW, just because she's mad doesn't mean she doesn't accept you.

Sorry... But that is complete BS. This isn't an uncontrollable situation.

She is upset because of her loved one's (husband's) behavior. He hid it from her, because he knew she'd be upset. And now you are suggesting that he continue to upset her, because it is more important to hang on to porn than ease her feelings.

I can only presume you aren't in a committed relationship.

So he should give up something he enjoys just to make her (a controlling bitch, by my observation) happy?

If she can't accept you for who you are why stay married? Obviously she doesn't love you.

Wingznut...
I think he hid it from her because he ASSUMED she'd be upset. I wouldn't be surprised if she was more mad at him for just hiding stuff in general. I don't think he should continue to upset her, so if "being himself" is what upsets her, he should come terms with it, be a man and either a) compromise/sacrifice or b) leave her because it would be better for both of them. That's a judgement call that's on his shoulders. It's his mess for not being honest, the choice he's faced with now is good enough "punishment" to fit the crime.

I am in a committed relationship, but that's because my gf knows me and accepts me (even my faults). I presume you are also in a committed relationship, but you are either a) a guy who doesn't "wear the pants" or b) a woman who believes they can change men and are in a "fixer-upper" relationship.

Electric Amish...
Right on! We're on the same page.

 

[OutHouse]

I dont hide it from her, she enjoys it just as much as I do.

 

[pipster]

Originally posted by: RIGorous1
I'm thinking it comes down to this for me...

Fact: I think I'm addicted to porn and women (to a degree I think we all are for men/women)

Even If I do throw it, does that mean that I'm cured. No, I'll just be a porn addict with no porn. Can I be changed? cause part of me thinks that this desire is innate or born within as an instinct, if so, then I can't be changed. Or should I just repress those desires and become a robot of social conformity. Or should she just accept me for who I am whether my addiction is subjective or objective...

She cannot change who you are, nor should she. Us guys can't be changed. We might change ourselves, but only if we find something rewarding in it. The problem here is that in a sense, she never really got to know the whole you...

I know, I've been there. Maybe you too should talk and let her decide if she loves you for you. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst... hope you don't have kids or anything that could make things messy.

Hopefully, lesson learned... no hiding things from those you love!

 

[WhiteKnight]

She may be overreacting but the fact is that you don't have many choices here unless you want to actually get into a bigger fight over your pron. Frankly I find that I get everything I need either from my SO or in my mind .

 

[OutHouse]

Originally posted by: Wingznut
If you are a mature person ready for a committed relationship, this is an EASY fix... Toss it.

It obviously bothers her and causes her angst. Is porn really that important to you???

Maturity is a two way street. I say she is the one being immature about it. why should he have to give up something he enjoys because she doesnt like it.

 

[Thegonagle]

Easy:

Give your stash to a single friend.

Then take her to the porno store and buy new porn together. "Honey, I'm itchin' for some porno" is a good way to open the subject when you ask what kind of porn she likes.

 

[nan0bug]

From Ali Davis's True Porn Clerk Stories

07-26-2002, 05:07 AM #26
Ali Davis
Working on it.
Los Angeles

Join Date: Feb 2001
Posts: 261
Men and Women and Porn
Here's what I've learned in my year-and-change as a porn clerk: men like porn.

Admittedly, my sample is skewed because many men come to our store just for the porn and have other accounts elsewhere, but almost all of the men that come in do eventually go down to the porn section. And I don't mean "almost all" in the 90% sense, I mean all but maybe two since I've started working there.

This is a lesson because I now understand that pretty much any man I date is going to at least occasionally rent and enjoy porn. I don't think a lot of women have fully dealt with that. If one reads the advice columns, a lot of women can't even deal with the idea that their mate masturbates at all. Ladies, please. Chill out.

What the porn section has taught me that I think many women don't understand is that porn is a physical thing for guys, not an emotional one. It seems to be a quick, physical release. It's a way of feeling good and making sure the plumbing is still in good working order and that's about it. With the exception of the addicts, I don't think it has any more significance than grabbing a burger when you're hungry or standing up and stretching when you've been trapped in a car all day.

Many women are jealous of or threatened by porn, and we shouldn't be. The key is the difference between your dog, which is a Sheltie-terrier mix that hides under the bed during thunderstorms, has a passion for cat food and prefers tug-of-war to fetch, and the general dogness of the "dog" in the dictionary.

I think a woman in a porn movie, as a rule, is taken as a general woman rather than a specific woman. She is there to stand in for general womanness. (And, based the number of rewind fees I dish out, once the viewer comes she ceases to exist.)

I think guys rent porn as a way to have the pleasure of sex without the added complexity of having to tend to someone else's needs. Which doesn't mean that he's a bad guy or won't do plenty of tending later, it's just that right now he just wants to wolf down a burger.

In a way, a guy who is renting a porn video is courteously having his selfish sex on his own time so he won't bother you with it. And "selfish" isn't a bad thing here. It's also selfish to take a hot bath and read a book by yourself, but it's important to do that every now and then.

And besides, if you had a choice between your guy renting a video and renting a person, which would you choose?

Now that I've cleared up that little misunderstanding for all time, here's what men don't understand about porn: women do take it personally. When a woman sees your porn rental, she is likely to conclude that that is what you want. The sex act in question, the level of communication, the inflated porn body, all of it. In all likelihood she doesn't see the woman on the box as a convenient avatar of general woman-ness, she sees her as tangible proof that what the owner of said box really, truly wants is a nineteen-year-old emacaited blonde with enormous fake breasts and a deep desire to take it up the ass.

This is why a gentleman is very, very careful about leaving his porn lying around the house.

Communication can't hurt and all that, but screw that, I'm not an advice columnist. I just think, based on what I've seen, that men and women look at porn very differently and it can't hurt for both sides to take that into account.

I think it's cool when couples rent porn together, and I'm impressed with how much they had to do to get there, or with what I hope they did, anyway.

I know it's fashionable to say that men and women are fundamentally different again - God, I cannot wait for that particular social pendulum to swing back - but I don't think they are, or at least not in this case. I think attitudes toward porn have a lot to do with socialization. There's a pressure to overpersonalize sex on one side, and to depersonalize it on the other. As always, I think moderation in all things is a good way to go.

Figuring this out has helped me understand my customers better, I think. Knowing the guy is watching for general sex and not specific sex makes it easier to see why we have those four-hour clip jobs of just come shots. Keeping in mind that what our clients are renting is physical and not emotional or mental keeps me from caring too much about what they're renting, and in many ways that detachment is a key part of my job. (Trust me - the guy with the Iowa driver's license and the wedding ring does *not* want me to care about the fact that he's renting gay porn.)

In a way, I keep learning the same lesson over and over again: just because people's tastes don't match mine doesn't mean they're wrong. Soon, I hope, it'll stick.

Have your wife read that. Especially the bolded parts. It was written by a woman who used to work as a clerk in a store with an adult video section, and I think she hits the nail on the head.

 

[ultimatebob]

Originally posted by: RIGorous1

Originally posted by: bernse

Originally posted by: Amorphus
porn, or your wife? it's an easy choice. grow a spine - you're cheapening your marriage's sexual aspect with the artificial sex supplied by the pornography.

Oh please. You're giving porno way more credit than its worth.

Sometimes a dude just wants to look at a nekkid hot chick. You're not cheapening anything by doing that unless you let it.

This is the opinion which I identify with most... I mean can't a man look at it like art and enjoy it... analyze it? I don't know... and why is it that some couples deal with it while others don't... I mean is that a sign of sexual insecurity?

Oh, and I can't hide it because she will probably find it. She knows how to search files and folders, check internet history, and lord knows what other tricks.

She threatened to smash my computer with a bat if she found more...

Damn, this woman sounds like a control freak. I pity you, man!

Anyway, you might want to grow a spine quickly before she starts picking out your clothes and telling you that you can't watch sports on TV while she's home anymore

 

[nan0bug]

I think what you should do is show your wife the really hardcore outrageous stuff thats out there. After seeing that, she'll be happy all you do is watch 'normal' porn.

 

[lowtech1]

Don't know what to say in your situation, but it was a different story for me.

I was so embarrass & promptly deleted my tasteful playboys pics on my computer when my current so found them. She said that I didn?t have to delete them because she wanted to see them & there is nothing for me to be ashamed of. She even suggested that I pickup some vids (which I have done once) so we can learn from them.

I now has managed & taken a small collection of skin pictures of my beautiful gf.

Aren?t Buddhist women are the best?

And, I?m not going to post them pics

 

[flexy]

Originally posted by: Amorphus
porn, or your wife? it's an easy choice. grow a spine - you're cheapening your marriage's sexual aspect with the artificial sex supplied by the pornography.

i feel sorry for you guys with all the prudish gf/wifes....seriously.....

 

[flexy]

[..] then I can't be changed. Or should I just repress those desires and become a robot of social conformity. Or should she just accept me for who I am whether my addiction is subjective or objective...

you already talk like you're seriously brain washed....
Do you also feel sorry for being a guy who enjoys looking at girls, naked or not ? If its an addiction or not..i dont know....cant help getting a kick out of good looking girls..well....am also glad it's like that..nothing wrong with it ?!?!

Problem is only in your case she thinks you're a perv and makes you feel 'addicted'/sick/whatever...so i would definatly say that the problem is with her ! Totally insecure..the question is only why.

 

[isekii]

send me the stash.
I'll take it.

Your real problem is that she's the one that wears the pants in the household.

 

[MercenaryForHire]

Buy a DV cam and make your own pr0n.

- M4H

 

[flexy]

btw. if your normal RL relationship (incl. sexlife) w/ your SO is good then there's no real reason to get upset over something like that.
Therefore i tend to assume that there are other things not in order which dont have anything to do with porn. Ask why she is so insecure.

 

[Kadarin]

The real problem, imho, is that he's got a wife who is jealous, closed-minded, controlling, and not sexually open.

I would ditch the wife. (Even if that answer is not politically correct with a lot of people here.)

 

[Hubris]

Originally posted by: Wingznut

Originally posted by: pipster
Sometimes people just have to be mad... as long as you don't intend to cheat on your wife. She's insecure, but you accept her for that... so why can't she accept you for being "a fan of women" as I like to call it?

BTW, just because she's mad doesn't mean she doesn't accept you.

Sorry... But that is complete BS. This isn't an uncontrollable situation.

She is upset because of her loved one's (husband's) behavior. He hid it from her, because he knew she'd be upset. And now you are suggesting that he continue to upset her, because it is more important to hang on to porn than ease her feelings.

I can only presume you aren't in a committed relationship.

From what this guy is saying, it seems as though if he got rid of this, something ELSE would come up that she wanted him to do. How far should he go to make her happy? I'm all for trying to make the other person happy, but it should be a two way street.

Also, hiding porn isn't exactly something "devious". It's not exactly socially acceptable out in the open; I don't go to too many houses where Hustler is on the coffee table. Hiding it means nothing in this case.

I know it's kind of funky, but why don't you try TALKING to her and finding out why she has a problem with it. Explain it doesn't make you love her less, etc. etc.