GOLDEN
Be proud of me people
-----snip----
(Person):
I'm going to keep this really simple. Its time we cut ties. I know you
don't like short emails, so I'll make the descriptions really short:
1) For 5 months, I was understanding towards your back and forthness about
us. I let my heart get ripped out multiple times and then put it back
into place to try again. I loved you, cared about you, and at any time,
would have given you a second shot if you realized that you had made a
mistake. But now that the situation is reversed (I'm the one
struggling!), I don't get anything. I can't ask questions like you did,
or you'll go into a shell.
2) You have no idea how hard it was for me to pretend to get over you so
I could talk to you. Four weeks ago, when you were driving to (friends), you
made it clear to me that I had to stop asking questions, and I did. Last
week, when you said "You treated me really well", I stood my ground. When
you said "I'll always love you", I stood my ground. It was "No one will
ever hold me like you" that brought me right back! See, I love you, and
that gave me an inkling of "home" and strung me right back along again.
But when I got excited and opened my mouth, I lost again, because you were
back in your shell.
3) I don't think you understand how easy this would have or could have
been. All I ever wanted was time to sit with you at a coffee house, and
talk about this face to face. But when you came home from College, you
were busy packing. When you came home from (Country), you were too busy to
drive a mile and meet me somewhere. When you came home from (Place), you
were busy. I understand. I tried to settle for a phone call, and a phone
call like we had last week WOULD have been perfect: but everytime I wanted
my questions answered, I'd get yelled at, or driven/pushed away. I was
never getting the closure I wanted. Everytime I got an opportunity to ask
questions, you were in some remote mountain somewhere and we kept losing
service: again, I never had a chance to just say what I wanted to say, ask
what I wanted to ask, uninterrupted, and GIVE myself closure. I know
you're busy, and I know that would be your response to this and why you
couldn't "give me more time on the phone". I know you just wanted to stop
thinking about it. That's fine. I just wish I could have made it easy
for me too.
I don't think I've been unreasonable at all. I've shown you that I still
love you, been completely understanding, and tried my best to stop
bringing up the past: but something always happens to bring me back to
where I was, like you telling me what you told me last week about holding
you.
If one day in the future you love someone as much as I love you, I hope
you'll look back and think about all I have had to do to attempt to be
your friend even though I care. Maybe we just handle things in different
ways. Unfortunately, I think you've lost all willingness and all ability
to care about me: As more than a friend (which happened a few months ago),
and as a friend. I don't need your pity and I don't want you to "try" to
be my friend because I "try" so hard. I want you to want it, and you
don't. Its quite obvious. Which is fine. But I've opened up my heart
way too much and I am not comfortable with it. I've opened up my heart so
much that the smallest positive comment from you makes me happy for days.
I don't like that: that isn't who I am.
If you respond to this email, I won't read it. I'm tired of going back
and forth in ASCII. Its not personal, its empty, and its one of the main
reasons I took so long to let go: reading text doesn't appease me.
Talking in real life does. If you want to talk, pick up a phone. I would
have told you this on the phone if I could have.
If you ever want to try something again, give me a call. And that's a
friendship or more. I can't guarantee I'll want it. I'll probably always
want the former.
And don't respond to this with "Sorry, I've been so busy" or "Sorry, I
have no time". Excluding (Place), there has been time when you've been
home and we could have talked. Its OK now, I'm content.
I'm beginning to sound like my mother, so I'm going to end this email.
Happy Birthday, take care, enjoy 21, and a new start on things. Please
remember who you were, and don't let people take advantage of you.
-Matt
OK. I have closure.