Your favorite joke

[CorCentral]

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell in and could'nt swim.........

Neither could Jill!

 

[AstroManLuca]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel down his pants. The bar tender asks him, "Excuse me sir, are you aware that you have a ship's wheel down your pants?"
The pirate says, "Yarrrrr, it's driving me nuts".

Why'd the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequila.

A man goes into a bar, he has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, 'Ask me about my dog'. Unfortunately the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

 

[digiram]

Originally posted by: OCfreakley
This guy loves going hunting.
Every year he asks his wife to go with him and she always says no.
One year, fed up with the no's, he tells her he is sick of her no's and she has 3 choices.
She can either go hunting with him, give him head, or take it up the ass.
She instantly tells him she definitely won't take the third choice, but to give her a few minutes to decide.
He says fine and goes outside to finish packing for the hunting trip.
Upon his return she tells him she will not go hunting, so she begins giving him head.
She almost immediately pulls him out of her mouth and in disgust tells him it tastes like shit.
This is when he informs her that the dog didn't want to go hunting either.

hahaha...that's a good one.

 

[digiram]

bump for more jokes

 

[CorCentral]

Hickory Dickory Dock
3 mice ran up the clock

The Clock struck 1
...... and the rest escaped with minor injuries!

 

[M0oG0oGaiPan]

el oh el.

 

[CorCentral]

MOMMY MOMMY, why do I keep running around in circles?
SHUTUP, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

 

[AstroManLuca]

Originally posted by: CorCentral
MOMMY MOMMY, why do I keep running around in circles?
SHUTUP, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

MOMMY MOMMY, why are you pointing that gun at your head?

SHUT UP, you're next.

 

[CorCentral]

Originally posted by: AstroManLuca

Originally posted by: CorCentral
MOMMY MOMMY, why do I keep running around in circles?
SHUTUP, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

MOMMY MOMMY, why are you pointing that gun at your head?

SHUT UP, you're next.

MOMMY MOMMY, Johnny just threw up!
Well why are you crying?
'Cause Jimmy's getting all the big pieces!

 

[oddyager]

A hippie walked on to a bus, and saw a nun that he wanted to fck. After she got off the bus, he said "damn, I'd give anything to bone her". The bus driver said "I know how you can do that". The hippie asked how. The bus driver said "well, every Tuesday she goes to the cemetary to pray. If you disguise yourself as Jesus, you could convince her to have sex with you." The hippie decided to give it a shot. The next Tuesday, he disguised himself as Jesus, went to the cemetary, and found the nun praying. He approached her and said "I am Jesus, as your lord, I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replied "ok Jesus, but is it ok if I take it in the ass because I don't want to lose my virginity." The hippie aggreed, and they hit it off. After it was all said and done, the hippie revealed himself and shouted "Ha! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun pulled off her mask and shouted "Ha, I'm the bus driver!"

 

[lokiju]

Heard this on Last Comic Standing when flipping through the channels the other night.

"The thing I don't get about Vegas is the double standards. Why is it that if a woman sleeps with 5 guys she's called a slut but if a guy does the same thing that makes him gay?"

 

[GooeyGUI]

A classic

Requirements Gone Bad

 

[GooeyGUI]

Originally posted by: AstroManLuca

Originally posted by: CorCentral
MOMMY MOMMY, why do I keep running around in circles?
SHUTUP, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

MOMMY MOMMY, why are you pointing that gun at your head?

SHUT UP, you're next.

Mommy Mommy, why are you shooting at daddy?

"Shut Up! and reload!

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: SphinxnihpS
after three weeks the guys are so ashamed of what they've been doing they dig her back up

hahahaha. FINALLY one I've never heard before. 10/10

 

[Kev]

"A man goes into a bar, he has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, 'Ask me about my dog'. Unfortunately the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog."

WTF? that makes no sense.

 

[jjones]

Two neighboring farmers cannot stop feuding.

One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the other's field.

Climbing over the fence, he is stopped by farmer #2 who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field.

After much arguing farmer #2 states that he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.

He explains that the method involves kicking each other in turn between the legs until one gives up, and the other is the winner.

Farmer #1 agrees reluctantly.

Farmer #2 states that since they are on his land, he goes first. Farmer #1 stands with legs apart and hands on hips while Farmer #2 takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer #1 into the air.

After ten minutes writhing on the ground farmer #1 eventually gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.

Farmer #2 turns and walks away saying " O.K. I give in! You keep the duck!"

 

[BassBomb]

Originally posted by: oddyager
A hippie walked on to a bus, and saw a nun that he wanted to fck. After she got off the bus, he said "damn, I'd give anything to bone her". The bus driver said "I know how you can do that". The hippie asked how. The bus driver said "well, every Tuesday she goes to the cemetary to pray. If you disguise yourself as Jesus, you could convince her to have sex with you." The hippie decided to give it a shot. The next Tuesday, he disguised himself as Jesus, went to the cemetary, and found the nun praying. He approached her and said "I am Jesus, as your lord, I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replied "ok Jesus, but is it ok if I take it in the ass because I don't want to lose my virginity." The hippie aggreed, and they hit it off. After it was all said and done, the hippie revealed himself and shouted "Ha! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun pulled off her mask and shouted "Ha, I'm the bus driver!"

ROFL

 

[NuclearNed]

You are in a very dark, damp space. The floor is squishy and it feels like you are sinking. Something is shuffling very close to you. It might just be your imagination, but things seem to keep poking you, particularly in your meaty middle sections. Out of the corner of your eye you catch a glimpse of what might be glowing red eyes, and the unmistakable glint of slavering fangs.

To the northwest is a crumbling stone doorway through which a dim light is shining.

You had better move; the shuffling seems to be getting much, much closer.

>nw

Hall of Ancient Jokes
You are in an enormously excessive marble temple that was obviously crafted with great care by skilled artisans. Phosphorescent lichens cling to the stonework and provide a dim greenish light. Massive stone columns reach upwards into the inky darkness, supporting the cave ceiling somewhere high above. Ornate carvings of curiously flat-headed figurines are embossed on every available surface; most of the figures depict people engaged in uproarious laughter as though they were literally laughing themselves into a stupor.

Throughout the room, filling nearly every inch of floorspace, are short stone pedestals. Most of the pedestals contain only the dusty remnants of parchments that rotted ages ago. However, scattered here and there are a few scrolls that have somehow survived the ravages of time. A few of them are still readable. Fascinated, you make your way around the vast space and read some of the most awful examples of humor ever contrived by man or beast. Most of the jokes are largely concerned with toilet functions. You can only take so much of the awfulness, and you have to fight back your gag reflex.

In the distance is a golden hued pedestal that seems different from the rest. Carved on its side is a single word: "Aberforth". On it lies a small piece of tan parchment that looks like it still might be legible.

>read tan parchment

"Continue reading at your own risk."

>read tan parchment

Nervously drawing a deep breath, you continue reading. Soon, you wish you had listened to your small inner voice and stopped. The joke contained on this scroll is steeped in ancient evil unfunniness. Just a few words into the body of the joke and you begin to feel the spell withering your body into old age, and yet you can't pry your eyes from the text. By the time you get to "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo", you are nothing but a dried husk, somehow still supported by your spindly bones. You fall into a dead dusty heap on the floor.

Thousands of years later, a team of flat-headed archaeologists stumble upon the pile of debris that was once you. They take you back to their lab, where they painstakingly reassemble you piece by piece, and erroneously label you as a species of primitive saber-toothed goat. You languish for millenia in a museum, where children point at you and openly exclaim to each other how stupid ancient goats looked. Finally, humiliated beyond your ability to exist, you crumble into a small pile of grey ashes.

***You are dead***
Your score: -5/400
This gives you the rank of mentally retarded baboon.

 

[DrPizza]

Originally posted by: Aberforth

?I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes? replies Watson.

If you're in a really remote location, the best you can do is "thousands and thousands of stars."

 

[Itchrelief]

Originally posted by: bigrash
So did they figure out who stole their tent? Did they make love underneath the stars once they realized they were all alone by themselves?

Sherlock: If you went camping with a friend, he handed you a drink, and you fell asleep, and when you woke up the next day, your pants were down and your rectum was hurting... Would you tell anybody?

Watson: Well, we're already camping, aren't we ...

OK that sucked. I tried.

 

[Mikey]

Originally posted by: DrPizza

Originally posted by: Aberforth

?I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes? replies Watson.

If you're in a really remote location, the best you can do is "thousands and thousands of stars."

I think you should start changing your moderator tag to "Smooth Operator"!

 

[Atomic Playboy]

Originally posted by: Kev
"A man goes into a bar, he has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, 'Ask me about my dog'. Unfortunately the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog."

WTF? that makes no sense.

That's the point of the joke. It's a joke wherein the joke is on the listener for getting interested only to shatter expectations. Generally they are longer (like Better Nate than Lever as an extreme example, although that one does actually have a punch line). The most common one involves a child who performs a certain action repeatedly over a long period of time but refuses to tell anyone why. The joke consists of expanding out the description of several years worth of performing this unknown activity, making it as detailed as possible, and making the listener keenly interested in seeing where it is all leading. The joke ends with a line about the boy finally telling people he will reveal his secret the next day, then crossing the street only to be hit by a bus and dying. The audience will never know what the secret was because there was no secret; your interest is piqued and never satisfied.

 

[imported_Devine]

A baby seal walks into a club, the end

 

[Coca Cola]

What's funnier than a dead baby?


A dead baby in a clown costume.

 

[Swag1138]

Here's a joke I call "On Second Thought"

....actually, nevermind. It's not that funny.