your favourite Monty Python quote?

[Dorn]

"How much for the beard?"
"That'll be 20 shekels."
"Alright, here you go."
"What's this?!"
"I just gave you 20."
"Don't you want to haggle?"
"No, I really don't have time..."
"Well then give it back."
"Alright, I'll give you 19 for it."
"No, no, no, do it proper."
"What?"
"Haggle properly, you don't start at 19."
"Alright, I'll give you 10."
"That's more like it. TEN?! For this? It cost me 12!"
"17!"
"17?!"
"18!"
"No, no, no, you don't go to 17, you go to 14 next."
"What?"
"Offer me 14."
"I'll give you 14."
"14?! And me with a poor dying grandmother?"
"But that's what you told me to say!"
"Oh dear..."
"Tell me what to say, please!"
"Offer me 14 again."
"14!"
"14?! Are you mad?"
"15!"
"17. Not a penny less, or strike me dead."
"16!"
"Done."

-From the Life of Brian

 

[pastee]

*passes out laughing from all the awesome quotes*

 

[JPT]

ALBATROSS!

 

[JPT]

- We're not the Judean People's front?
- No, no,no! We are the People's front of Judea!!!
- What happend to the Judean People's Front?
- Oh, he's over there!

 

[BoberFett]

Not quite Monty Python, and not quite a line, but on Fawlty Towers when Basil (John Cleese) starts goose-stepping in front of the German couple, I almost die laughing every time I see it.

British comedy rules.

 

[nullshark]

"JESUS CHRIST!!"
(As said by King Aurthur in The Holy Grail)


edit
Of course, you have to hear his delivery.

 

[RaDragon]

oh yeah, i forget about this one...

The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!

 

[TimberWolf]

One of my favorite sites for Python skit transcripts.

As for quotes:

He's not pining; He's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be!
He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace!
If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history!
He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket;
He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

- John Cleese as "Mr. Praline" in the "Dead Parrot Sketch"

 

[Wingznut]

"Say no more! nudge, nudge. wink, wink"

 

[Sluggo]

#1 In some skit John Cleese says to a woman "I don't much care for the tone of your voice" and shoots her dead..I still laugh hard when I think of the deadpan delivery.

#2 "I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition"
The door flies open...." Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!"


And now for something completely different

 

[Isla]

I just thought this thread was so rich last night that it should be brought back up this morning.

Everyone should start the day with a sinus clearing laugh.... ahhhhh

(Don't say it. You can think it, but don't say it.)

 

[SirFshAlot]

"You killed the best man!!!!"

"Are you sure?"

"You put a sword right through his head!"

"Oh dear.....is he alright?"




What a silly bunt.

 

[thebestMAX]

Anything that they said.
There is so much to pick from I cant make up my mind but "I fart in your general direction stupid pig-dog" is up there as well as anything the French said. I blow my nose at you.

How about King Arthurs horse sound effects with the coconut shells?
A masterpiece !

 

[Batti]

The dead parrot sketch is one of the all time funniest things I've ever heard!

He's fvching snuffed it!

 

[Stosh]

Here is my favorite sketch. Thanks goes to Timberwolf for the link.


Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter.
Man: You sit here, dear.

Wife: All right.

Man: (to Waitress) Morning!

Waitress: Morning!



Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;



Vikings: (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Vikings: (singing) Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!



Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.

Wife: (shrieks) I don't like spam!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!

Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings: (singing elaborately) Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spaaam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spaaam! Spam, spam, spam, spaaaaam!

 

[BA]

I told him we've already got one

 

[nickdakick]

Damn Dennil, that was supposed to be mine. Timezones is suck

 

[FlashG]

Try this site

Monty Python net

 

[Xmech]

Bring out your DEAD!!!

 

[wake]

"I don't want to go in the cart!"
*Thud* (clubs the guy in the head)


Before the big eater explodes:
Maitre'd: Oh but monseiur, just one wafer thin mint.
Patron: All right.
(Maitre'd puts mint on tongue of Patron)
Maitre'd: Better?
Patron: Better get a bucket! (*pukes*)

 

[SirFshAlot]

wake,

to add to that dialogue......

"stop it, you're not fooling anyone"
and
"don't be such a baby"

 

[ElFenix]

black knight: oh, i see, running away, 'eh? you yellow bastards! come back here and take what's coming to you... i'll bite your legs off!

 

[M O M O]

He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy!

 

[M O M O]

So how do you get to be king?...The Lady of the lake...

 

[DataFly]

I love Fawlty Towers too.

"I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona."

-----------------

Fawlty: "Manuel, there is too much butter on those trays."

Manuel: "Que?" (what?)

F: "There is too much butter on those trays."

M: "Que?"

F: "Hay mucho burro en los trays." (there is much donkey on the trays)

M: <laughs>&quot;Burro es hee haw hee haw&quot; (burro means donkey)

F: &quot;No, no, no.&quot;<walks over and points at the trays in sequence as if counting>&quot;There is too much butter on those trays.&quot;

M: &quot;Oh...no, no, no senor. Uno, dos, tres. Uno, dos, tres.&quot;

F: <takes spoon and smacks Manuel on the head>



The entire episode of The Germans one is hilarious!